I Was A Teenage Dummy Plug
by Foxboy
Summary: An otaku awakes and finds himself in one of the worst anime to selfinsert in. Final Chapter 13 up.
1. Like an Angel without a sense of fashion

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part One: Like an Angel Without a Sense of Fashion

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and " GAINAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 03NOV2002 : Minor revision, 15NOV2002

******

**__**

Like an Angel Without a Sense of Fashion

I woke to the smell of blood.

Slowly, I opened my eyes and realized I was living almost every adolescent boy's dream. I was surrounded by dozens of naked, beautiful girls. They were all identical. Then, I got a better look and almost screamed.

Each girl was pale and well formed, with short, unruly blue hair and empty, red eyes. Except for their vapid, glassy smiles, they were dead ringers for Rei Ayanami.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, and trying not to freak out, I realized I was in LCL. In my rattled state of mind I almost didn't notice that I was floating in warm liquid and _breathing it_. I looked all around me, trying to figure out how I wound up in the room of Gauf. Or in the world of _Neon Genesis Evangelion_, for that matter. About that time, several sensations were beginning to register. First, I was naked. Second, my arms were now slender and hairless. Next, my wandering field of vision finally fixed on my reflection in a nearby window. Then, I screamed.

I was a dead ringer for Rei Ayanami, too. 

I watched the bubbles floating from my mouth and tried not to hyperventilate. I prayed that this was all a dream, or maybe some god-awful fanfic that was so well written that . . . No, I had to deal with this as though it were real. My first order of business was to get out of the damned tank and get some clothes on. Praying there was an exit that way, I swam upwards. I was never so glad as when I found the ladder out of the tank. Looking around, I noticed a lot of things that were never shown in _Evangelion_. The top of this tank, for starters. I bent over the rim and began coughing out LCL. Recycled institutional air never tasted so good.

Getting unsteadily to my feet and clutching at a handrail, I began walking towards a staircase. My balance was all hosed over, and my feet were incredibly sensitive. It was understandable, really. This body had never walked before. I distantly noticed shapes in the darkness that could have been the "EVA Graveyard" as I struggled. By the time I reached the bottom, I had managed to get somewhat used to my new center of balance, so I wasn't lurching about like a drunk con-goer heading to his fifth room party. My feet still hurt, though. Those steel mesh floors were murder. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I realized the pain meant this wasn't a dream.

I paused and looked through the doorway beside me at the tank full of Rei clones and shuddered. The scene in episode twenty-three where Ritsuko destroyed them all had always given me the creeps. Thinking on that as I sought out some clothes, I realized that I was smack in the middle of the series. It was obviously before the twenty-third episode, but when? I reached the "hospital" room near the elevator and began searching cabinets. 

My search had barely lasted five minutes before I hit pay dirt. I found a veritable cornucopia of clothing. Unfortunately, it was all plug suits, school uniforms, and underwear. While I was hesitant to wear a skirt, there was no way in Hell I was going to wear the fetish gear, er, plug suit right now. At least I was sure everything was going to fit. Shame and embarrassment were raging through me as I put on the undergarments, struggling with the brassiere. I was almost certain someone would point and laugh at me. After all, my self image was still of an overweight, hairy, _male_ otaku. Sure, I had read plenty of _Ranma ½ _fan fiction, so I was dealing with my gender change a little better than I might have otherwise, but it was still playing havoc with my sanity. Why not? If I was stuck in this world, I might as well fit in. Angst, pathos, and a therapist bill in six digits were par for the course around here.

I grabbed a blouse and put it on. The buttons threw me for a second, being on the wrong side of the closure, but I dealt with it. The jumper followed, then the socks and shoes. I had some trouble with the red tie, but after a little work, I had a presentable bow. I thought. I looked for a mirror, and found one in a corner. I gazed into it and gasped in shock. I was beautiful. I peered closer and examined my face. It was almost perfectly symmetrical, with azure locks framing it. My now alizarin eyes had a depth to them that had been missing in the other clones in the tank. The eyes are the windows to the soul, after all.

"Well, kid," I said to myself, testing my voice, "this is my body for the foreseeable future. I may as well get used to it." I sounded a little off, not quite what I was expecting. I thought a bit and tried something else. I lowered my voice and spoke gruffly, "_Nani sore? Kawaiikunee otemba!_" That was familiar, so I tried to be giddily cheerful. "_Shogun? Shogun! Shogun! Shooo-gun! . . . Nani?_" That was what was wrong. I had spoken in English and I hadn't sounded like Amanda Winn Lee. I sounded like Megumi Hayashibara. Well, that was good to know. I had a goofy grin plastered to my face. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and froze. 'Okay,' I thought. 'Note to self: goofy grin looks weird on Rei Ayanami. Not bad, just weird.' 

Schooling my features into a more "Mona Lisa" look, I checked my reflection again. Assured that I didn't look stupid, I began the trek through Terminal Dogma to the rest of the geofront.

Have I mentioned yet how much the elevator rides suck? They're incredibly long and boring, especially here in the high-security parts . . . of . . . NERV.

Damn.

I had probably tripped dozens of security sensors just waking up, and here I was, being a good little boy, er, girl, and going to meet the nice security patrol. I probably only had the three minutes remaining in this trip for my life. Unless, of course, their security was so bollixed up that it only prevented access _to_ Terminal Dogma and not access _from_ it.

'Thank God for small miracles,' I thought. The elevator door opened and I was both relieved and disappointed by the distinct lack of gun-toting, faceless lackeys. Hoping my new lucky streak would continue, I began wandering the hallways. 

While having seen all twenty-six episodes and the three movies of Evangelion had helped me navigate Terminal Dogma, the rest of this place was a maze. Ten minute of aimless wandering later, I found a main line elevator, and stood in shock. While most of the signs were bilingual, Japanese and English, I had just read the kanji _and understood it_. This was far too convenient. It also probably meant that if I ran into any of the base personnel I'd understand their spoken Japanese. Would I be able to speak it? I wouldn't know until I had to do it. If I tried now, I'd only use phrases I already knew. Somehow, I didn't think emphatically telling someone that I was a cheese head from Osaka was going to increase my chances of survival. Sighing softly, I pushed the "up" button and waited. 

Maybe it was just the "costume effect" at work, but I found myself standing still, head downcast, with my hands clasped in front of me. From the "Shucks, Howdy, ya varmint" attitude I had in a cowboy hat, to the time I had stared down a bully dressed as Batman, whenever I had worn a costume, my role had always seeped in a little. This was the first time it was affecting me this much, though. It could have been that this was the first time the costume was more than just cloth and plastic approximating a fictional character. I mean, I was wearing exactly what my "character" would, from the skin out. Not only was I wearing her skirt, but I was wearing her genes, too.

Any worries I may have had of being subsumed by an emotionless "Rei persona" were quashed by that horrid pun. I stifled a chuckle as the elevator doors opened. Gladly noting the empty car, I stepped in. Looking at the control panel, I realized I wasn't going to exit the geofront directly. It made sense. A sensitive military installation like this wasn't going to allow John Q. Public to walk in the lobby, then to an elevator bank direct to the goodies. Most likely, I was going to pull a Misato and get completely lost. Making my decision, I pushed the button for the uppermost level the elevator would reach. I leaned back and let the strains of a Muzakä version of "Fly Me to the Moon" wash over me as the car rose.

I tensed as I saw floor buttons light up. I wasn't going to have this car to myself for much longer. I calmed myself and tried to look off into space as the car slowed. The doors opened and two technicians climbed aboard. They spared me a glance, then continued their conversation.

"So, Kanzaki, how much did you lose on the Swallows?" one asked.

"Only five thousand yen, Oeda," Kanzaki said, waving it off. "I never expected the Hanshin Tigers to pull off a ten-run, come from behind victory in the bottom of the ninth like that." I followed their conversation easily, even though it was in Japanese. I was even able to discern their regional accents. Oeda seemed to be from Okinawa, and Kanzaki seemed to be from Hokkaido. They continued chatting for about twenty floors, and then got off. 

I was beginning to worry. Why was I able to understand Japanese? Before all this happened, I only knew enough to find someone who spoke English, and order in a restaurant. I could only discern a Kansai accent if someone said, "Thank y'all." I blinked as I realized that I was thinking in Japanese. I was sure my expression of surprise would have seemed comical if anyone had been there to see it. I checked the button panel and the floor display again and noticed I'd have some more company soon. The car slowed to a stop, and I could hear voices outside the doors as they opened.

"--Nji, you idiot!" said a feminine voice with a trace of a German accent. "Why couldn't you have _told_ me you expected we couldn't go on the trip?" I looked up and watched Asuka pull Shinji into the car. She was glaring intently at him, so she hadn't yet noticed me.

"B-But, Asuka," Shinji stammered. "It only makes sense that . . ." His shoulders slumped in defeat. "Misato already explained . . ." He looked around the car, unable to look Asuka in the eye. Of course, he spotted me. "Oh! Ayanami! Good morning."

"Good morning," I said softly, "Pilot Ikari, Pilot Sohryu." I decided to keep in character to prevent any suspicion.

"Oh, great!" Asuka muttered as she whirled around and faced me. "It's Wonder Girl." She fidgeted with a shopping bag in one hand. I gazed briefly at each of them, and then stared at the door. I heard her mutter darkly in German. I was appalled to realize my newfound proficiency with Japanese extended to German as well. I never knew how colorfully she could swear.

"_Ich spreche nur wenig Deutsch_," I said, "_aber Ich versteht es_." I knew I had made a few mistakes in verb conjugation and pronunciation, but it was worth it to see her face when I told her that I had understood her little stream of invective. Shinji was surprised as well, but he recovered nicely.

"Are you going to the pool as well, Ayanami?" he asked.

"Yes," I said. "I have been ordered to maintain my physical fitness through a regimen of swimming. I shall do as I have been ordered." I still maintained an eye lock on the floor indicator.

"Well," Asuka said in exasperation, "Aren't _you_ the good little soldier? Don't you ever have any fun in your spare time?"

"If I am ordered to," I said, struggling to keep my face serene, "I will." She was flabbergasted, and I noticed out the corner of my eye that Shinji had a concerned look on his face.

"Ayanami . . ." he said sadly. It was becoming more and more difficult to stay in character. I wanted to get in an argument with Asuka and prove I wasn't an emotionless doll. I wanted to laugh out loud at the monumental prank I was pulling on them. I wanted to warn them about the upcoming Angel attacks. I wanted to find out why the Hell I was here in the first place.

The elevator stopped, and we got out. We walked down the hall, and I surreptitiously checked the signs and floor maps, so I would know how to get around. Arriving at the pool, Shinji left us and sat down at a poolside table. I could see him opening his book bag and beginning to do his homework. With slight hesitation, I followed Asuka into the girls' locker room. She headed for her locker, and I began looking for Rei's. I scanned each locker's nametag as I walked rapidly along. I was so intent on the lockers, I couldn't avoid bumping into someone.

"I'm terribly sorry," I began and gasped in shock as I realized whom I had bumped into. I raised my view from her white, one-piece swimsuit to look her in the eyes. Red eyes met red.

"Who are you?" Rei asked.


	2. Fancy Meeting YOU Here:Elementary Biolog

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 2: Funny Meeting You Here / Elementary Biology

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAINAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 10NOV2002: Revision, 22NOV2002

******

**__**

Funny Meeting You Here . . .

"Who are you?" Rei asked.

I honestly didn't know how to answer that. I sat down on a nearby bench and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I thought furiously. How was I going to say this?

"You already know _what_ I am, right?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. Her face showed simple curiosity.

"Well, as for _who_ I am," I said, looking up at her through my bangs, "you probably don't need to know until Commander Ikari decides what to do with me. If I'm allowed to live . . . " She didn't react to that. It was what I expected. "If I'm allowed to live, I will probably be your sister."

"That is acceptable," she said, and walked away. I followed her to a corner. She turned and I peered around. She walked past Asuka and towards the pool. Asuka had changed into her striped bathing suit and was filling it out nicely. I would have stayed and enjoyed the scenery, but I didn't want Asuka asking questions about multiple Ayanamis. It would cause too many problems. 

I waited for her to go into an equipment room to get SCUBA gear, and walked out of the locker room. I saw Rei dive into the pool, and Shinji was hard at work on his homework. Glad I hadn't been spotted, I walked out of the poolroom and into the hallway. I was met by Oeda, Kanzaki, and a female officer I hadn't seen before. All three were nondescript, average people. They looked at me warily. I quirked an eyebrow at them like Spock from _Star Trek_.

"Let me guess," I said evenly. "You're with Section Two." The officer cracked a smile and stepped forward. I noted that her uniform was relatively plain. She was probably a lieutenant. That would make Oeda and Kanzaki noncoms or warrant officers.

"We are," she said simply. "Come with us, miss." I winced a little. She was using very plain speech. That meant it was a command and not a request. I sighed and nodded.

"Do you need to place me in restraints, Lieutenant?" I asked as politely as I could, and held out my wrists. She nodded and slapped a pair of handcuffs on me. I noted with some relief that she hadn't put them on as tight as they would go. As I was examining my bonds, she pulled out a piece of black cloth. She shook it out, and I realized that it was a hood. I stood unresisting as she pulled it over my head. It completely blocked my vision, but my breathing was unrestricted. I felt a slender hand touch my elbow.

"Come along," the lieutenant said, and she began to guide me.

We walked for a long time in silence, with numerous turns. I heard several doors open and close. We took two elevator rides and one escalator. I had no idea where I was. I heard another door open.

"We have brought the prisoner," Kanzaki said.

"Very good," a cultured female voice said. "Leave her here and return to your posts."

"Yes, Doctor," the lieutenant said. She led me to a chair and I sat down. She tapped my wrists, and I raised them. I heard a key in the locks, and my handcuffs fell away. As I rubbed my wrists to remove the phantom sensation of being bound, the hood was removed. I blinked at the sudden brightness and looked around the room.

It was an interrogation room. The gray reinforced concrete walls were broken only by the door that the security personnel had just left through and a large mirror to my left. Three bulbs suspended from the ceiling in cage fixtures lit the room, and the only furniture was a cheap table and two folding chairs, one of which I occupied. The other provided a perch for a blonde in a lab coat who could only be Doctor Ritsuko Akagi. She had a clipboard in hand and was looking it over. She set it down on the table and looked me in the eye.

"Good day, Rei," she said. "Are you feeling well?"

"I'm in fine fettle, Doctor Akagi, but I'm not Rei," I said with a rueful grin and gestured at my chest. "Although my appearance would seem to contradict that statement." I pointed at the mirror with my thumb. "If you have anyone behind that mirror that isn't Commander Ikari or Subcommander Fuyutsuki, I suggest you have them leave before we continue this conversation."

"That's already taken care of," she said and smiled slightly. She took a breath and her tone became more serious. "But, if you're not Rei, who are you? You obviously know a lot about NERV, and you know the First Child well enough to fool the other Children and Section Two." Her eyes flashed in anger. "They had thought you were Rei until you met her in the locker room."

"Well," I said, "you might say I'm a lost soul who found the Room of Gauf, and, before you ask, I don't know how I did it or how I even got there in the first place." 

"Go on," she said, making notes on the clipboard.

"All I know for sure is that I went to bed last night in my original body in 2002, and woke up this morning as a supermodel wannabe in . . . 2014?"

"That is the calendar year, yes," she said, obviously unsatisfied. "Now, you said, 'original body.' What were you like? What's your name?" She gazed at me intently.

"I don't think my name will mean much of anything to you," I said. I looked at the simulated wood grain on the table, breaking eye contact. "I doubt you would even find me in any national databases, except maybe as a casualty of Second Impact." I raised my eyes from the table. "For all I know, my name might come up as an employee of Second Branch, but I doubt it. May I see your clipboard, Doctor?" She started a bit, and then handed it to me. I took her pen and absently noted that she had beautiful penmanship before I flipped to a blank page. I wrote my name, address, and date of birth out for her in both English and Japanese. I turned the clipboard around, set the pen under the clip, and pushed it across the table. "As for your first question, my original body was overweight, hairy, and male. It's been quite an enlightening experience, so far."

"I imagine it would be," she said raising an eyebrow. She looked at what I had written. "You're a foreigner?" I nodded. She was about to ask another question, when her pager went off. "If you'll excuse me?"

"Of course," I said. "Far be it from _me _to prevent Misato's request for an 'A-Seventeen.'"

She looked sharply up at me from her pager and paled. She shakily went to the door and knocked. The lieutenant from before came into the room and let Ritsuko out. She watched me for a moment, and then backed out of the room, leaving me to my own devices. 

I stood and moved my chair around the table so I faced the mirror. If I was going to die for knowing too much, I might as well tweak that bastard Gendo. I sat back down and set my elbows on the table and crossed my hands in front of me as I leaned forward. If I'd had glasses on, it would have been a perfect imitation of his trademark pose.

"Let me be frank with you, Commander," I said to the mirror, a slight waver in my voice. Today's events were catching up with me, and my possibly imminent death was messing with my emotions. "I know about your scenario, and its ultimate result." I remembered all of the scenes from _End of Evangelion_. Tears began forming in my eyes. What was disturbing when it occurred to fictional characters was devastating when one knew with certainty that it was going to happen to real people. "I know what . . ." My throat tightened. "I know what's going to h-happen to all of your p-pilots." The tears were flowing freely now, and I knew my emotional dam was about to burst. "I know," I said in a ragged whisper, "and there's not a d-damn thing I can do about it."

The lights dimmed in the room, or perhaps lights were turned on in the other room. It didn't matter which, as the one-way glass de-mirrored and I saw the empty room I had been addressing. Great, wracking sobs tore out of my throat, and I cried myself to sleep.

I'd like to say that my slumber was dreamless, but, unfortunately, nightmares count as dreams. I'm sure I had a few pleasant dreams, but I couldn't remember them. Many of my nightmares were bizarre amalgamations of reality and anime. The people I had met today seemed real in my dreams, while everyone else was a smooth caricature.

Pen-pen danced with the penguin waiters from _Mary Poppins_, while a painted Gendo shot a flesh-and-blood Ritsuko. I wrestled Sachiel in a giant version of my original body as a burning bush, surrounded by Shinji, Touji, and Kensuke dressed as the Three Amigos, sang "She'll be Comin' 'Round the Mountain." A rough pencil sketch of UN troops slaughtered the lieutenant who brought me to the interrogation room as she dragged Oeda's corpse down the hall. I flickered between my old self and my new self. I raised a trumpet to my lips and played "Flight of the Bumblebee" and "Taps" as Kaworu hummed along. He came up beside me and whispered in my ear with a voice that could shatter every window in a major city.

"Come, my brother/sister," he said gently. He held up a clarion and a scythe. "Will you be Gabriel, the Herald, or Azrael, the rider of the Pale Horse? Or, perhaps you'll be . . ." He swirled away in a burst of pixie dust and I knew no more . . .

**__**

Elementary Biology

. . . Until I woke up. I opened my eyes. I looked around a bit and weakly said the first thing to come into my mind.

"Ungh," I groaned. "Another unfamiliar ceiling." Okay, the ceiling wasn't _that_ unfamiliar. It was just the first time I'd seen it for real. I was in the infirmary. I sat up.

Yup, I was in the infirmary, all right, and still a Rei clone, not that I had really thought that would change. Someone had put me in a hospital gown, and there were EKG sensors pasted all over me. I had an intravenous feed on my left hand as well as a sensor on my index finger, and I also felt a slight prickling sensation on my head. I reached up and felt it. Two plastic lumps were over my temples, so I must be wearing the neural induction headgear.

I finally noticed the slow beeping of the monitor equipment and looked over at it. Systolic blood pressure: 110 mmHg. Diastolic blood pressure: 66 mmHg. My pulse rate was a steady sixty-eight beats per minute, and the EKG showed a regular waveform. Considering that I felt fine, those were probably well within the expected range for a fourteen-year-old girl.

I looked for the controls on the side of the bed and found them. I raised the head of the bed and enjoyed the recliner effect. It was so _soft_! I stretched a little and looked out the window.

The lake was beautiful, marred only by the heavy cruiser parked in the middle of it. I sighed, and realized that I was getting hungry. I was about to look for the call button and summon a nurse, when the door opened. Doctor Akagi entered, followed by a nurse wheeling a cart. My mouth watered as I detected the scent of food. Whatever it was, it smelled delicious! Ritsuko noticed my fixed attention and laughed lightly.

"Thank you, Nurse," she said. "I can handle it from here." The nurse nodded and left as Ritsuko went into action. She pulled a hospital table from beside me and positioned it so I could eat. She took the tray from the cart and set it on the table, removing the cover. Before me was a cup of green tea and a plate of vegetarian stir-fry. I noted the pair of lacquered chopsticks. "This should fill you up, Mister Good-"

"You don't need to call me that," I interrupted, waving my hand dismissively. "I might as well get used to whatever name the Commander is going to assign me." I pointed at the IV drip. "Can I get rid of this? I'm left-handed, and I'm not so skilled at using chopsticks that I can ignore the distraction it provides."

"Certainly, Miss Ayanami," she said. "We don't need the monitoring gear anymore, anyway." She quickly and efficiently removed the IV, pulse monitor, and leads to the EKG sensors. "I'll let you remove the adhesive pads yourself."

"And the headgear?" I asked as she applied a bandage to the back of my hand.

"Well, you don't need to wear it now, but after you eat, I have to administer some tests that require that you wear it."

"Then I'll leave it on." I picked up the chopsticks and began to eat. "Mm. This is good!" Ritsuko smiled as I demolished the plate and downed the tea. I picked up a paper napkin and dabbed the corners of my mouth. "So, Doctor, what was the Commander's verdict? I'm assuming that your calling me 'Miss Ayanami' means I get to live?"

"That's right," she said, nodding. "However, you will have some medical requirements that you may not have expected."

"Such as?" I wasn't about to gainsay getting to live. I'd ask why later.

"Well, in addition to the altered hygiene requirements your, ah, change of gender caused," she paused, savoring my embarrassment, "you have certain dietary requirements which are listed in your dossier." She pointed at a stack of documents on the cart. "The meal that you had fell well within them."

"Thank you, Doctor," I said squirming a little. "By the way, how did Major Katsuragi's 'A-Seventeen' go?" I thought I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from somebody who was there. She obviously didn't like the question, because her smile disappeared and was replaced with a neutral expression.

"The Angel was defeated," she said and walked over to the cart. She picked up a white bundle. "Put this on," she said flatly, and threw it at me. "I'll be waiting outside." She walked stiffly out of the room and slammed the door.

"Touch-eee!" I said to myself and shook out the bundle. I groaned as I recognized it as one of Rei's plug suits. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I removed the hospital gown and all of the sensor pads. I quickly dragged the suit on and made sure everything was straight before I touched the switch on my wrist. With a mechanical hiss, the suit went from baggy to skintight in a split second. I was actually amazed at how comfortable the thing was. I had a feeling that if I knew any martial arts, I would be able to use them unhindered. It was too bad that my martial arts skills were limited to deciding between Jackie Chan and Steven Seagall movies.

On my way to the door, I looked at the pile of documents on the cart. On top of the stack was a NERV identification card. 'Rei must have posed for this,' I thought, gazing at the picture. It had what I thought would be my pertinent data, a security clearance, and the name, "Ayanami Emi." Below it, I found several bound manuals marked "Your Eyes Only." I grabbed the entire stack, knowing that wherever I was going, it would be a long trip. I could use the reading material.

I took a deep breath and stepped outside. I found Doctor Akagi waiting by the door. She looked at me appraisingly. I apparently passed inspection, because she nodded and began walking away with an angry "follow me" gesture. I complied, tugging at the collar of my plug suit and feeling a little self-conscious. I was glad that we passed only female personnel, although I could tell that a few lecherous gazes were turned in my direction, anyway. We reached one of the numerous elevators and began the first of many rides. Hoping to patch up our working relationship, I decided to break the silence.

"Why are you angry with me, Doctor?" I asked. I could think of several reasons, myself. I just wanted to know which one Ritsuko was using.

"Because you know way too much for someone who doesn't exist," she snapped. It figured. I had told her it was possible she wouldn't find anything on me. In her mind, I could very easily be a plant from SEELE or some other extragovernmental organization. I could even be an Angel. I had to fight down a smirk, because it was possible. Rei herself bore Lilith's soul, so why couldn't I bear another Angel's? I didn't like where my thoughts were going, so I decided to talk science with her.

"Have you ever heard of the Fox-Broome theory of parallel worlds?" I asked. Ritsuko looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I can't say that I have," she said, "but I have heard some theories about alternate timelines." She adjusted her lab coat. "Are you saying that you're from an 'Alternate Earth?'" She looked at me with one eyebrow raised in puzzlement.

"Yes," I said. "Now, let's suppose that an incredibly large number of alternate earths exist. I say a large number, because so many of them are indistinguishable from one another that they're effectively the same world anyway, okay?" Seeing her nod, I continued. "Among those worlds are timelines where characters you or I would consider fictional really exist. A world where Sherlock Holmes was Victorian England's greatest detective. A world where Genji was an honest-to-goodness living legend of the Heian court."

"Perhaps," Ritsuko said, "a world where a girl named Nadia possessed a gem called the Blue Water? These are all very nice conjectures, but what do they have to do with your situation?"

"I'm getting to that," I said, gesturing with one hand and holding my books with the other. "Gardner Fox was an American comic book writer who wrote a number of stories dealing with alternate worlds. In one of them, which he co-wrote with Broome, I forget his first name, he postulated that each parallel earth vibrated at its own frequency. He went on to say that on each planet a great number of people are susceptible to the different frequencies and are inspired to write stories based on the events of these other worlds. These people are the Ladies Murasaki, Jules Vernes and Sir Arthur Conan Doyles of their respective homes. Where I come from, the events of this world, or one very like it, were perceived by a writer for an animation company called GAINAX, and made into a very popular anime."

"It can't be," Ritsuko said in shock. "You could be delusional, a solipsist."

"But that doesn't explain my foreknowledge of the battle with Sandalphon. Besides, if I were a solipsist, I wouldn't have broken down after you left. Or didn't you watch the security tape while I was asleep?" I was under no illusions as to the existence of such a tape. If a local police force in 1988 might have done it, then a secretive international organization in 2014 definitely would. "Ask me something that I shouldn't have any knowledge about. Something that would only be of personal significance to yourself, Misato, or any of the pilots. Something that wouldn't really be of interest to a spy. I can even predict some events in the future. Not too far, because my very presence is going to distort the unimportant details, but I can confidently predict the events leading up to the next Angel attack and describe each of them up to the Seventeenth."

"You could do _that_ with access to the Dead Sea Scrolls," she muttered darkly. "All right. Tell me something about my mother." I looked her right in the eye.

"She slept with Gendo, she killed the first Rei, and her gray matter was splattered across the Magi when she committed suicide. Is that enough, or should I mention where and when Misato and Kaji last kissed?"

"That," she said with a look like a pole axed steer, "will be quite sufficient." Her anger seemed to be replaced with fear. Not quite what I was looking for, but it beat latent hostility.

We traveled quite a distance, via elevator, escalator, and numerous passageways, and I was able to read a good portion of both my dossier and the Evangelion pilot's manual. I discovered that my security clearance was about as good as Doctor Akagi's, but not as good as "oneechan's." I figured that most of that was due to the fact that I, myself, was "classified material." Well, not so much _me_ as a person, but _me_ as an awakened dummy plug. I guess the Commander figured that giving me a lower security clearance than I had was akin to locking the door to the barn after one's horses were stolen.

"What is this test we're doing, anyway?" I asked. I was absently paging through a hygiene pamphlet and trying not to blush. I hoped that talking about the present would snap Ritsuko out of her daze. It seemed to work.

"We'll be running a synch test with Unit Zero," she said. "According to the data we gathered while you were asleep, there should be no reason you can't pilot EVA." She muttered darkly about the Commander, Angels, and unreasoning fools.

"'Fools rush in,'" I quoted in English, "'where Angels fear to tread.'" She smiled, understanding the quote. "It looks like I'm a fool, then. Who's going to be riding shotgun in case Unit Zero goes berserk?"

"Pilot Ikari will be in Unit One," she said flatly.

"I see," I said, straightening out my pile of documents. "Will he know I'm Rei's sister, or am I to carry on the charade from yesterday?" I noted a sign indicating our imminent arrival at the EVA cages. Standing by the door was Rei.

"I'll handle the introductions," Ritsuko said, taking my reading material. Accompanied by my new sister, we entered the cages.


	3. The Pilot and the Plug

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 3: The Pilot and the Plug

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAINAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 15NOV2002: Revision 22NOV2002

******

**__**

The Pilot and the Plug

I will always treasure the look on Shinji's face when I walked into the EVA cages with my new sister, Rei. We were both wearing plug suits, presumably because she had synch tests scheduled after mine, and we both used the most efficient walk for our bodies. The skills I had attained from marching band had finally come to some use in walking in sync with her. While "oneechan" was blissfully unaware of the effect her walk would have on men, I was painfully aware of it. Judging by his blush and uncomfortable shifting, so was Shinji, the poor sap. He tried to stammer out a greeting past his confusion, but he didn't know to whom to direct it. Ritsuko came to his rescue.

"Good afternoon, Shinji," she said, placing her hand on my shoulder. Rei stood passively to the side. "Permit me to introduce Emi Arizona Ayanami, the Fourth Child." She turned to me and gestured to Shinji. "Emi-chan," she said, making me wince, "this is Shinji Ikari, the Third Child and pilot of Unit One." He bowed, and I followed suit a heartbeat later.

"Pleased to meet you," we both said simultaneously, setting off another round of blushing.

"I-I didn't know Rei had a twin sister," he said nervously. I took a breath and made sure I had the story straight in my mind.

"I didn't know either," I said calmly. "I just found out about her yesterday." I grinned wryly. "And all this time I thought I was unique . . ." I gave a Gallic shrug. Doctor Akagi cleared her throat.

"You can talk about this later," she said sternly. "Right now we have synch tests to run. Shinji, get in Unit One, while Rei and I help Emi into Unit Zero."

"Yes, ma'am," he said and went to do so. 

Our little trio began the walk towards the EVAs, and I got my first good look at Unit Zero. I stopped suddenly, and Rei looked back in confusion.

"Good Lord!" I whispered, awestruck. "I never expected her to be so _big_!" It was one thing to note a drawing of an EVA's scale compared to the buildings of a normal city. It was quite another to come face-to-face with one and realize just how tiny and inconsequential one is in comparison.

"EVA's dimensions are quite clearly delineated in the pilot's manual, Pilot Ayanami," Rei said. I winced at how distant she seemed. I also noted the slight tinge of disapproval in her voice. I hurried to catch up with her.

"I was just making a subjective observation, oneechan," I said gently as we walked. "And, please, call me 'imouto-chan', 'sis,' or even just 'Emi.' You're the only family I've got here, Rei." I hoped that was true. I really didn't want to think about what my real family would have gone through if they existed in this timeline.

"Very well, Emi, I shall," she said. I looked over to Doctor Akagi who had a slight smile on her face. There was a slight wistfulness to her expression as well. I wondered briefly if she suffered from unused maternal instinct like Misato did. My train of thought was interrupted as we finally reached the entry plug.

"Here we are," Ritsuko chirped. "Now, I've got to get up into the control booth. Rei, please assist your sister if she needs it." With that, she walked briskly off. I gulped nervously and began to head towards the open hatch in the plug. Rei reached out and held me back. She led me to a platform nearby.

"This way is safer," she said as the platform swung and lowered on hydraulics directly to the hatch. I smiled at her and gave her a warm hug. She stiffened at first, and then seemed to relax a little.

"Thanks, sis," I said, finishing the hug. I looked her in the eyes and saw her confusion. I smiled gently. "That was a sisterly hug. It represents the fact that I care for you and that I appreciate having you around. We may have just met yesterday, but I feel that I've known you for years." Her hesitant smile rewarded me. I guess Shinji's little talk with her after the battle with Ramiel was paying off. I climbed into the plug and wriggled my way into the seat. "Mm! Comfy!" I appreciated the design team's dedication to ergonomics. "Am I in here okay, Rei?" I called cheerfully. She looked quickly about the plug and nodded sharply.

"You meet the normal requirements," she said. "I shall now go to the control room and observe with Doctor Akagi." I sighed. It was going to take a while to get her used to having a sister. The hatch slid closed and I felt the plug lower into position. I heard the trickle of LCL being injected. Ritsuko's voice crackled over an internal speaker.

"Emi," she said. "The liquid filling the plug is LCL. Please don't worry, you'll be able to breathe." By now, the LCL had reached my waist.

"I'm aware of that, Doctor," I said testily. "I _did_ read my manual." I had also had intimate knowledge of LCL from waking up in the Room of Gauf. "I'm just having to deal with an instinctual desire not to drown." I closed my eyes and held my breath as the blood of Lilith covered my head. I exhaled a stream of bubbles and inhaled. I fought off the drowning panic as best I could. I opened my eyes and marveled as the control interface came online. My heart stopped racing and my breathing evened out as I noticed both the smell of blood from the LCL and another, intangible feeling. A vague . . . _presence_. It was definitely feminine, but I couldn't place it.

"Synch ratio at ten percent and rising," a feminine voice said over the communicator.

"That was very good, Emi-chan," Doctor Akagi said on a vid-window. I winced at her use of 'chan' for the second time today, and noticed her smile grow wider. "You should be able to pilot at least as well as your sister."

"Thanks, I think," I said. I tried a meditation technique that I half-remembered from a martial arts magazine. It seemed to work, as my nervousness slowly faded. The presence was still there, but it seemed puzzled. I thought a moment then tried to think at the EVA. 'Thank you for letting me synch with you, Ma'am. I really appreciate it.' The presence's puzzlement gave way to surprise, then gratitude. I felt a phantom hug around my shoulders.

"Synch ratio at twenty-five percent, and holding," the unidentified voice stated.

"That will be all for today, Emi," Ritsuko said. "Initiate ejection procedure." 

A few minutes later, I was stepping out of the plug, dripping LCL. A technician handed me a towel, and I dried off a little. I murmured my thanks and spotted Rei and Doctor Akagi coming towards me. An attractive brunette in a tan "bridge bunny" uniform who held a satchel demurely in front of her followed them. As they drew nearer, I finally recognized Lieutenant Maya Ibuki.

"Well, Emi-chan," Ritsuko said. I winced yet again. "You have little to worry about. Your synch ratio guarantees that you'll be the pilot of Unit Three should the U.S. government ever decide to release it to us." I was thankful for my newly pale skin. She couldn't see me blanch.

"I'm sure they'll see reason soon enough," I said with false bravado. I knew what would happen when EVA Three arrived. She had just signed my death warrant. "In the meantime, what will you have me do?"

"The Commander wants you as a backup pilot," she said smoothly. "Living quarters are being arranged as we speak, as well as your registration in the local school." I frowned slightly. I had already finished high school once, and I _really_ didn't want to return to that institutional hell. I cleared my features a little. Asuka had a degree, and she was being forced into the same situation. I nodded.

"Understood," I said. "Is there anything else?"

"Not really," she said, "but Lieutenant Ibuki here has your school satchel and a couple changes of clothes for you. It should help make up for some of what you lost in that fire." I almost blurted a question like, "What fire?" I quickly realized, however, that it was part of my dossier I hadn't been able to read. I nodded, and she continued. "She will also bring you to the locker room so you can shower and change. I rather imagine you'd like to get the LCL out of your hair." I fingered a few damp and sticky strands, and grimaced.

"Yeah, I rather think so myself," I said. I looked at Rei for a moment, and my grimace melted into a warm smile. "Well, sis, do your best, eh? I'll see you later." I walked over to Maya and gestured for her to proceed. "'Lead on, MacDuff,'" I quoted. She looked at me a little strangely, but shrugged it off. We began the trek, and I looked back over my shoulder to see Rei getting into the plug. It may have been my imagination, but she seemed a little more vibrant. Maybe I was having a positive effect on her. I hoped so.

Maya seemed to be nervous around me for some reason. She didn't really say much, but I attributed it to the fact that, while I _looked_ like Rei, I didn't _act_ like her. Actually, I found her nervousness alluring. If I'd been in my original body, or at least in a male body, I might have tried to hit on her. Aw, who was I kidding? I would have been entirely tongue-tied and presuming that a girl as cute as she was already had a significant other. Knowing what I did about the staff at NERV, I actually had a better chance at a romantic liaison with her _now_. She was at least bi, if not entirely lesbian. Unfortunately, I needed to get used to my new body before I could even think about a serious relationship with _anyone_. I wasn't even likely to get the time necessary before Bardiel showed up.

"Here we are, Miss Ayanami," Maya said, derailing my train of thought. We had reached the locker and shower rooms in record time. We hadn't even needed to use a single elevator or escalator. She showed me how to use the palm-locked lockers, and set the satchel in one. I locked it and acquired some bathing supplies. 

"Thank you, Lieutenant," I said cheerfully. "Where does Doctor Akagi want me to go after I'm done? I'm sure you have more important things to do than play nursemaid to the new kid." She blinked a few times in surprise, and then smiled. Good, I was getting her past her nervousness around me. If I couldn't romance them, I might as well befriend them.

"There's an employee's lounge just down the hall," she said pointing to the left. "Doctor Akagi wants you to meet Major Katsuragi there."

"Gotcha, Sempai!" I said, nodding. She smiled more broadly and walked briskly from the room. I sat down on a bench and shucked my plug suit. I folded it somewhat neatly and set it on the bench as I went to the showers. I've never been comfortable in communal showers and today was no exception. I intended to wash myself and get out quickly. The path to Hell was paved with good intentions.

I started easily enough, turning on the shower and adjusting the temperature. I got myself wet, and began lathering up with soap. I started to feel . . . odd. Oh, no. My subconscious was telling my body that I was in a shower, naked, with a beautiful woman. Never mind that I was the beautiful woman in question. The subconscious was not to be bothered with such trivialities as logic. So, in its infinite wisdom, it activated the lizard brain and signaled that a potential opportunity to further the species was in the offing. Thus, blood was shunted to certain sensitive areas, stimulating certain nerves, which in turn sent signals to the brain. My conscious mind, and my subconscious had been written for a male nervous system. They were in no way prepared for the signals coming from my new, female nervous system. Confused, they triggered emotional response. Tears started to form.

The past day had been fairly traumatic, but I hadn't _really_ had to deal with my gender change totally. I hadn't yet had to go to the bathroom. I had studiously avoided touching anything that might be sensitive. Most of what I had done and felt was universal to both men and women. Now, it was all crashing down on me.

My consciousness was absorbed in finishing the shower, shampooing the LCL out of my hair. My subconscious, the clever bastard that it was, remembered that I was in a typical fanfic situation. Where before my reading of _Ranma ½_ fanfic had helped me deal with it, it was now hurting a lot. I had been turned into a girl. Therefore, I could remedy this situation by dousing myself with hot water. Never mind that this was the world of _Neon Genesis Evangelion_, where Jusenkyo curses don't exist. My subconscious knew what it knew, and to Hell with logic. I was currently under a stream of hot water, rinsing industrial-strength shampoo out of my hair, and I was still a girl. It was more fuel for emotional response. I began to cry in earnest.

About this time, my subconscious began picking through short-term memory. Oh, GOD! I had about five Angel attacks before I was going to at least be seriously mauled, if not killed, during Bardiel's attack. That could be as little as five days, or as much as five months, away. Even worse, I could die in any of the other attacks, and Touji Suzuhara would be the Fifth Child. Realizing my own mortality, on top of everything else, left me huddled in a ball in the corner, bawling my eyes out.

In my distraught state, I almost didn't notice the slender form approaching. Wrapped in a towel, Asuka looked at me in stunned disbelief.

"_Mein Gott_," she whispered. "Wondergirl's . . . crying?"

***Author's notes***

Anyone who's wondering where the lighthearted humor from Chapter One went, don't worry, there will be plenty in future chapters. Hopefully, I've explained away the angst-fest properly. 

I also hope that I've maintained the "PG-13" rating. Or at least a "TV-14 (V, S, L)." It's difficult to realistically deal with an involuntary gender bender without verging on "R." Sorry to disappoint a few of you out there, but I don't intend to do any heavy citrus in this story. *Looks up at a section previously written about "good intentions," and shuffles feet nervously. * If I'm able to control this story (instead of it controlling me ;þ), there should be some S&A WAFF coming soon. 

Thanks to Lord Deathscythe for pointing out continuity errors in the original version of both this and the previous chapter. I can only hope that my repairs don't leave an even greater hole in continuity.

NEXT: Asuka officially meets Emi for the first time, Emi's first day of school, and an Angel attack. It's **_I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug, _**Part Four: The Corsican Sisters / The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still. Plus, more fan service!


	4. The Corsican Sisters

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 4: The Corsican Sisters

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAINAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 15NOV2002, Current Version 06JAN2003

******

**__**

The Corsican Sisters

"_Mein Gott_," Asuka whispered. "Wonder Girl's . . . crying?"

'No,' I thought bitterly through my tears. 'Wonder Girl's _not_ crying. She doesn't know how, yet. _I'm_ crying. I'm not her. I am . . . I.' My sobbing began to intensify as I realized that I was quoting Rei's internal monologue from episode twenty-three. My eyes were clenched tightly, and I heard the slapping of bare feet on bathroom tile. First, it faded into the distance, and then it came closer. I heard frantic dialing on a cell phone.

"Come on! Pick up!" Asuka said impatiently. "Misato! Come to the locker room quick! There's something wrong with Rei! . . . I don't know, but she's crying really hard . . . You do that." I heard a click as she closed her phone. I suddenly felt a presence next to me. Acting on instinct, I latched on and wailed like a lost soul. "Easy, Wonder Girl." She patted my back. "Everything's going to be all right." I was beginning to relax. I raised my head and looked at her through tear-rimmed eyes.

"Th-thank you, Asuka," I said. I raised a hand to wipe away some tears. I was still crying, but I wasn't having soul-wrenching sobs anymore. It's amazing what a little human contact can do for someone. I was wondering why she would try to comfort me, if she thought I was Rei. Just then, Misato arrived.

She rumbled in like a freight train and looked frantically about. Her red jacket flapped in the breeze of her passing. She spotted us, rushed right over, and put both Asuka and myself into a fierce hug. She held us like that for a while, murmuring soothing nonsense. I began to feel safe, and I weakly smiled.

"So, Rei," Misato said gently, "Do you want to talk about it?" I pondered for a moment and gently broke the embrace and got to my feet with their help.

"Not all of it, Major," I said softly. She nodded, and I could tell she wanted me to continue. "The first part of it is my name. I am not Rei." I could see Asuka's mouth and eyes wide open, and Misato frowned a little. "I . . ." I sniffled a little. "I am Emi." I felt my confidence building. It may not have been the name I had answered to for twenty-seven years, but it was mine and no one else's. "Emi Arizona Ayanami, Rei's sister, and the Fourth Child." I tacked on the most polite introductory phrase I could think of and bowed. "Please do with me as you will." Misato had a relieved look on her face, and Asuka seemed confused.

"Well, then!" Misato said. "Looks like I won't have to wait for you any longer. I am Misato Katsuragi, and this is Asuka Langley Sohryu. Pleased to meet you."

"What the hell is going on?" Asuka asked. "If you're Rei's twin sister, then why aren't you the Second child?" I could see that the question was bothering her. I began to move towards the lockers.

"Do you mind if I get dressed first?" I asked. "I find it difficult to talk about my past in the buff." Misato waved me on, and I grabbed a towel and started drying myself on the way to the lockers. "And to answer your question, Asuka . . . " I was glad I'd read my dossier. It meant I knew what the official story was. " . . . I was stolen at birth by an unscrupulous adoption agency. I just found out that I had a twin sister yesterday. If I hadn't been stolen, I would have been tested by Marduk when Rei was." I reached the lockers and pulled out my satchel. I rummaged in it for a second and pulled out a set of undergarments and a school uniform.

"As soon as I get my first paycheck," I muttered in English, "I have _got_ to get a better wardrobe." I noticed Asuka smirking at that. I had almost forgotten that she was trilingual. I quickly dressed and ran my fingers through my hair. Sure that I was properly attired, I grabbed my satchel and began fiddling with a nametag on the handle. I took a deep, calming breath and smiled sadly at the two of them.

"My adopted family had just moved to Japan from Phoenix. The man I considered my father had just been hired by a big corporation, and I was going to be starting school here soon. I had gone out to get groceries for a big housewarming party. When I came home . . ." I paused, and a sob came out. 'Halle Berry and Demi Moore, eat your hearts out!' I thought. "When I came home, our house was a smoking pile of ash." I was glad I was still emotional from my crying jag. It lent verisimilitude to my tale of woe. I whispered hoarsely, "I'm the only one left." I slumped my shoulders and looked at the floor. "And that's when Section Two found me."

Misato's face was tracked with tears, and I could see a shimmer in Asuka's eyes. I felt bad about lying to them like this, but it would be easier for them to understand the Commander's fabrication than the truth. I put on a brave face, and continued.

"Anyhow, I've got a new family now," I said. "I've got a sister!" I beamed, my tears beginning to dry. I reached out and put my arm around Asuka's shoulder. "I've also got a wonderful coworker and Commanding Officer." I stood up. "Asuka, would you like to be friends?"

"I'd like that," she said, nodding and smiling. A touch of her usual arrogance colored her voice. "After all, it would be so _convenient!_"

Misato wiped her eyes and looked at her watch. A slight frown creased her brow.

"Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut this short," she said. "Asuka has a synch test in ten minutes and she needs to get ready." She stood and stretched. "Asuka, I'm going to bring Emi to her new apartment and help her get settled in. Why don't you walk home with Shinji?"

"Why would I want to walk home with that Baka?" the fiery redhead asked. She didn't put much heat into her words, however. I smiled to myself. She really let down her defenses when only girls were around. Maybe Shinji's knight-errant rescue was still fresh in her mind. Misato looked at her sternly. Asuka made a big show of caving in, rolling her eyes. "Oh, all right, Misato. We don't want to overwork Section Two, do we? Besides, now they don't have to fight over who gets to guard me!" She walked over to a locker and pulled out a red plug suit. "_Auf wiedersehen_, Emi."

"_Die Macht sei mit dir, mein Freund!_" I called back cheerfully, earning a smile, and followed Misato out of the locker room. We began the inevitable course of hallways, elevators and escalators.

"So," she said. "What was that you said to Asuka? My German's really rusty. I recognized '_mein Freund_,' but what was the rest of it?"

"It was, 'May the Force be with you.'" I smirked a little. I figured Misato's working German consisted of phrases like, "Another beer, please."

"Oh! So, you're a science fiction fan, then?"

"A little. I'm more fond of sequential art and animation." I noticed her blank look. I sighed. "I like manga and anime, okay?" 

We walked on like that for a few minutes, talking about almost nothing, or walking in silence. I had always liked Misato in the anime, and I found I liked her even more as a real person. Even though she was the same age as I was (well, subjectively), she just gave off a "big sister" vibe. We soon reached the parking facility.

I nervously looked around. In my mind's eye, I could see the blood splatters and corpses piled like firewood. I practically jumped out of my skin as we passed the stairwell Shinji would hide under when the JSDF attacked. My tension did not go unnoticed.

"What's the matter, Emi?" Misato asked. She set her hand on my shoulder, and I relaxed a little. 

"I'm not sure," I said. I really didn't want to tell her why I was nervous. "There's just something about parking garages that creeps me out." I shuddered in memory. "It's irrational, I know, but they just do. They're like some sort of . . . tomb." She squeezed my shoulder gently, and then led me to her Renault Alpine. Out of habit, I walked over to the right side of the car.

"Nuh-uh!" Misato said with a wink. "I'll do the driving." Of course, I had forgotten that we were in Japan and the driver's side was on the right. I chuckled and walked over to the other side. She unlocked the doors and we got in. I quickly buckled my seat belt. With tires squealing, we departed.

An eternity of terror and missed pedestrians later, or five minutes by the clock on the dash, we arrived at a familiar apartment complex. I shakily got out of the car and thanked God for delivering us safely to our destination. I looked critically at the building. It was well kept, so it had to be the same building Misato's apartment was in. Her next words clinched it.

"Ah! Home, sweet Home!" she said cheerfully and began leading me towards the building. "Now, lets get you settled in!" Scant minutes later, we were walking out of the elevator and towards the bend in the _L_-shaped hallway. We walked past a door marked "11-A-2 Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu" to the next apartment. I looked at the door and the precisely handwritten "Ayanami" on the nameplate. I memorized the address, "11-A-1." Misato pulled a set of keys out of her jacket and unlocked the door. She opened it, handed me my keys, and whispered in my ear. "Welcome home."

I stepped inside and kicked off my shoes. I quickly turned around and faced Misato.

"Why, Major Katsuragi!" I bubbled. "What a pleasant surprise! Won't you come in?" She laughed and stepped across the threshold.

"Don't mind if I do, Neighbor!" She smiled gently and took her own shoes off. I was going through the apartment and examining the fixtures. It was a two-bedroom apartment, similar to Misato's. There were simple, inexpensive furnishings throughout, even a nice television. A thought came to me.

"Misato, how do I rate an apartment this nice?" I asked. "I would have expected a tiny, studio apartment, not anything like this."

"It's quite simple, actually," she said with her arms folded. "You're going to have a roommate." I quirked my head like a puppy, asking silently for her to clarify. She smiled even wider. "Your sister is going to be living with you. Shinji's been trying to get her to move out of the hole she lives in for quite some time. Section Two's going to be a lot happier with all of you in one place, as well."

I stood silently for a moment. I hoped she was right, because having all of us in one place meant that if anyone wanted to kill us, then all it would take were some well-placed explosives. After I had placed my satchel in the room I was going to claim as my own, Misato took me out and showed me around town. I gladly noted the locations of an arcade, a bookstore, and the supermarket. We stopped in, and she showed me how to use my NERV ID as a combination credit/debit card. I checked my balance and boggled at my "signing bonus." I guessed Commander Ikari wanted to keep me happy. I picked up several vegetarian microwave meals, a good selection of fresh veggies, and a five-kilogram sack of rice.

As we trekked back towards our respective apartments, I thought about my bank account. Apparently my annual salary was in seven digits, plus room and board. If I allowed for the exchange rate I was used to, it was in the high five-digits in dollars. If that was so, I'd be able to afford the things that I needed, and quite a few that I didn't. I smiled at that. I had a few things in mind to make my new apartment a home. I sobered quickly when I realized that I'd have to tone down my spending spree a little so that I didn't disturb Rei. The skull-shattering surround-sound stereo would have to remain a dream, as would the enormous projection television. I was still going to get a DVD player. I have my standards of civilization, after all.

We arrived back just as Asuka and Shinji did. I made some polite noises and dashed into my apartment to put away the groceries. Somehow, Misato convinced me to come over and have a welcoming party. The less said about the marathon drinking, Shinji teasing, and penguin dodging evening, the better. I left at nine o'clock, saying I needed to get some sleep for school the next day. I took care of my evening ablutions and fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow on my futon.

My dreams that night were more normal. By "more normal," I meant that I didn't remember them, except for two. One was merely a vision of a flock of doves in an apple orchard, where I watched a little boy riding a white horse bareback. The other was a concert hall filled with people. I was waiting in the wings, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a clarinet. On stage, a string quartet was playing something by Mozart. As I watched and listened, the clarinet in my hand changed several times into different wind instruments. When they finished, I began to walk on stage. The cellist and the two violinists walked by and gave me polite nods. The boy who played the viola stopped on his way by and looked at me gently.

"By your actions, you have chosen," he said, and I realized he was Kaworu. He tapped the instrument in my hand and I saw that it was a trumpet. He smiled. "It will be good to hear you play, Gabriel."

He hugged me, and then stepped back. "Remember, my brother/sister, your domains are love and hope. Don't forget."

I woke with a start. I really hoped that the dreams I was having with Kaworu in them were _just_ dreams, and not prophetic visions. Noting the time on the cheap alarm clock, I got out of bed and began to prepare for the day. I took a quick shower, ate an even quicker breakfast, made a lunch, and dressed for school. I was on my second of three uniforms.

'Maybe,' I thought, 'I can get my new wardrobe after school today. Ugh, school.' I picked up my satchel and sat at the kitchen table. I heard my doorbell ring. "That must be Shinji and Asuka," I said to myself. "Coming!" I called, and went to answer the door. It was Rei. She had her satchel on her back and was holding a cardboard box. I stepped back and smiled. "Welcome home, Sis!" She walked in, kicked off her shoes and set the box on the kitchen table. She turned to face me.

"Good morning," she said softly. "I have been ordered to take up residence here."

"Sure thing, Sis," I said. "I'll help you unpack when we get home from school."

"That will not be necessary." She returned to the door and put her shoes back on. I followed suit, and, after I locked the door, we walked next door. I felt strangely calm, as if I'd done this numerous times before. Just as I was about to knock, Shinji and Asuka came barreling out. I fell hard into the railing. Oddly, Rei seemed to wince in pain and clutched her left arm. I held my right arm, feeling the bruise.

"Ayanami!" Shinji said with concern. "Are you all right?" He was looking at Rei, while Asuka was looking at me. She narrowed her eyes and looked back and forth between us.

"I am fine, Ikari-kun," Rei said. There was a strange echo. That was odd, because I hadn't heard one when Shinji spoke. Asuka's eyes widened for a moment, and then a scowl developed.

"You two play the twin game very well for just having met," she said testily. "Now, which one of you is Emi?"

"I am," I said, waving my left hand. There was that echo again. I looked over to Rei, and saw her looking at me, with her right hand raised. "Rei, what are you doing?" Her lips moved in perfect synch with my words, and I realized something strange was going on.

"I am not certain, Emi," we said softly. "It appears we are in synch."

"Oh!" Shinji said. "Kind of like when Asuka and I were in training for the battle with the seventh Angel."

"Yes," we said. "One moment, please." I was confused. Suddenly, I felt a sensation like when they ejected my plug from Unit Zero.

"It is done," Rei said, and began walking for the elevator.

"That was weird," Asuka and Shinji said at the same time. I laughed, and began to walk towards the elevator myself. I was followed by two pilots, one quiet and the other muttering in German.

The trip to school was uneventful, but I appreciated the almost idyllic sense of peace I got from seeing students going about their normal routines. I even enjoyed Asuka's Shinji abuse.

'The poor girl's got it bad,' I thought as she cuffed him for ignoring her. 'I'll have to get her to admit she loves him, somehow. If only to herself.' I knew these happy scenes would be few and far between before too much longer. Somehow, I had been separated from the others, and wandered the school grounds before classes started. I familiarized myself with the layout as best I could and sought out classroom 2-A.

I walked into the room, and the normal before-class chatter stopped abruptly. The silence stretched for an infinite moment, then snapped. I was rather amused by the inevitable comments.

"No _WAY_!"

"I think I'm in love!"

"Ayanami's got a twin?"

"I think I'm in love!"

"Oh, man! Look at that _smile_!"

"I think . . ."

"Oh, shut _up_, Shiro! We heard you, already! Baka."

"Where have you _been_, Emi-chan?" Asuka asked, walking briskly over to me followed by the class representative, Hikari Horaki.

"I got separated from you guys in the milling throng outside," I said, chuckling. I quickly, but politely introduced myself to Hikari, gossiped for a bit, and then stood by the teacher's desk, waiting for his arrival. I saw several gazes flicker from myself, to Rei, and back again in disbelief. Then, the teacher arrived.

After Hikari belted out her obligatory "Rise! Bow! Sit," the teacher introduced me to the class and assigned me a seat next to Asuka. He immediately began his interminable lecture on Second Impact, and I felt my eyes glaze over.

'My God! Is this guy _boring_!" I thought. Just then, I noticed twenty messages on my desk terminal. Glad to have something, _anything_, to take my mind off this useless drivel, I checked them. I almost wished I hadn't. Almost all of them asked the same inane questions. I dashed off a mass reply to the majority, and gave personal attention to the most annoying. 

Yes, I really was Rei's twin sister. No, I didn't want to date anyone. Yes, school was a lot different in Japan than it was in America. No, Kensuke, I will not "put in a good word with Misato." I sighed. I never knew that pretty girls had it so rough. Of course, my experiences in high school had been of the "band nerd" variety. I had had friends, and girls had liked me, but only as a friend or acquaintance. I had been almost as painfully shy as Shinji when it came to romance. Now I was one of the most attractive girls in school, with the attendant difficulties.

Now that I had taken care of the messages, and the teacher was still droning on, I pulled out a mechanical pencil and a notebook. Making sure the teacher wasn't paying attention, I began to doodle. I had filled five pages with sketches of EVAs, Angels, and super deformed caricatures of people in class. I started as I realized that I had drawn a manga sequence of part of the battle with Bardiel. Why had I drawn it? I didn't want to think about it. There's just something wrong with obsessing about one's own demise. I ripped out the page that had it and tore it into little bits. I noticed someone standing beside me. It was Shinji.

"Why did you tear that up, Emi?" he asked. "It was really good, if a little disturbing."

"I was dealing with nightmares," I said. "Were you the only one to see them?" I looked at him intently, and he seemed to shrink a little.

"I think so. Anyway, um, the class rep asked me to tell you it was time for lunch."

"Thanks, Shinji." I smiled, put away my notebook and walked over to where Asuka and Hikari were sitting. On my way, I noticed that Touji had walked up and put Shinji in a headlock while teasing him mercilessly. I saw Asuka watching the scene, and her face was marred by a scowl. 

"What's wrong, Asuka?" I asked, grinning slyly. "Are you jealous?" Hikari giggled, but Asuka's scowl deepened.

"What?!?" she screamed. "Why would I be jealous, you _Doppelgänger_?" She huffed and put her nose in the air.

"Because Shinji was talking to me," I said lazily. "You don't need to be, you know." I stretched, causing the blood pressure of half the students to rise. "He's not my type." I saw her starting to redden. "Geez, Asuka! It was a _joke!_ Look, to make it up to you, why don't you, me and Hikari go on a shopping trip after school? I'll even treat you guys to ice cream, okay?" Asuka visibly relaxed, and it was agreed. A thought struck me. I quickly pulled out my cell phone and dialed Misato's number. Two minutes later, I had confirmed that neither Asuka nor myself had any synch tests today. I was also a little disappointed to find that Rei and Shinji had tests. I had kind of wanted to bring Rei along for some sisterly bonding. I remembered how my sister, Kim, back in "reality" had explained it to me.

"Look, bro," she had said. "It's not really about the clothes, or the Orange Julius, or even the cute guys." She had flashed her Cheshire Cat grin. "It's about having fun with your friends. Everything else is just a bonus. Now, get your jacket. I need a pack mule."

The rest of the school day was uneventful, except for gym class. As the girls changed, my face got redder and redder, and I was having trouble keeping my eyes to myself. I noticed that Rei had changed the most quickly and was sitting passively by the door to the locker room. I almost jumped out of my skin when Hikari put her hand on my shoulder.

"Is something wrong, Emi?" she asked, her eyes full of concern. I grinned sheepishly.

"I'm not used to the locker room scene," I said. "In my old school, I was in a marching band, and didn't have to take a Phys Ed class."

"Really? What do you play?" she asked enthusiastically. I began to relax as I finished pulling my shirt down.

"I play clarinet, but give me enough time with an instrument, and I can figure it out." I began to get into the conversation and my embarrassment began to fade. Hikari really was a nice girl, and Touji Suzuhara was lucky to have won her affection. We talked of many inconsequential things, mainly about the differences between American and Japanese education. She was amused by some of the more blatant differences, and I, in turn, told her what was amusing or shocking to my sensibilities. We made it to the sports complex just in time, and discovered that the day's activity was dodge ball.

I was damn glad that I was on Asuka's team. She was a crimson whirlwind, dodging, catching balls and throwing the other girls out. I, on the other hand, kept busy merely dodging. The other girls' vindictiveness surprised me. Most of the balls were thrown at Asuka. My teammates were tagged out by not dodging when she did. Near the end, only Rei remained on the other team. One neat, mathematically precise throw later, I was out. The rest of the class was spent watching my sister and the fiery German in a tied game. The coach finally blew her whistle and sent us off to the showers.

I took a stall on the end, and showered as quickly as I could. I fought off my embarrassment and tried my hardest to keep my gaze on faces instead of more . . . embarrassing places. I grabbed a towel, dried off and dashed to my locker. I pulled my uniform on, and finished the school day with no problems. After Hikari formally dismissed the class, I caught up with Rei.

She was walking steadily along with Shinji beside her. Her eyes were fixed firmly ahead. Shinji walked with his head down and the ear buds to his SDAT firmly in place. Walking in step with them, I broke the silence.

"Hey, Sis!" I called cheerfully. She turned her head my way, nodded, and then faced forward and continued walking. Knowing that she had acknowledged my presence, I went on. "Do your best on those synch tests, okay? The pride of the Ayanami name is resting on your shoulders!" I ended with a smile.

"I shall do my best, Emi." Rei replied softly. "To do otherwise would betray my duty."

"That's the spirit, Sis!" I gave her a quick hug and turned to Shinji. "That goes for you, too, Shinji! Dazzle Doctor Akagi with how much you've improved."

"B-but I don't know if I have improved," he said, pulling out the ear buds.

"Of course you have!" I said. "You're part of the proud fraternity of EVA pilots. Hell, you're the ace!" I grinned at him and grinned even wider when he started blushing.

"What?" he asked. "What do you mean, I'm the ace?" He looked up and blinked in confusion.

"You've killed five Angels, haven't you? That makes you an ace." I explained. I patted his shoulder in a friendly gesture. "Do your best, Shin-man. The rest will take care of itself. Later, Rei. Shinji." I waved goodbye and was pleased to note the tiny upturn to Rei's lips. 'Well, whaddaya know?' I thought. 'I got her to smile.' Just then, I spotted Asuka and Hikari walking out of the school.

They were talking back and forth, and then Hikari looked up. We made eye contact and she waved me over. Smiling, I dashed towards them. Arriving, I marveled at how fit I was now. I was breathing easily, where before, I would have been gasping for breath after a sprint like that.

"My, Emi," Hikari noted. "You certainly are energetic, aren't you?" She had her hand up to her face, ready to stifle a giggle.

"She's just anxious to get something to wear other than her school uniform," Asuka said regally. She absently flicked her long auburn hair over her shoulder and grabbed my hand. "It's a good thing we know where you can replace your wardrobe, Fourth."

"Asuka!" Hikari scolded. "Her name is Emi!"

"It's all right, Hikari," I said. "She's just trying to find a nickname for me. After all, 'Wonder Girl' is already taken." Asuka grinned at that.

"That's right!" she said. "Can't reuse a nickname, you know! It causes too much confusion." She began pulling on my arm. "Now, come on! Let's get shopping!" I followed along and let Asuka and Hikari lead me through the hustle and bustle of Tokyo-3. We dodged and weaved through the crowds with Hikari waving at people she knew, while Asuka strode purposefully towards our destination.

In short order, we arrived at the Red Star Family Department Store. Although it was called a department store, it felt more like a bizarre combination of a five-star hotel and a typical American mall. I saw no fewer than six different shoe sections, and the food court had the expected fast-food chains. The massive atrium could have been used for pay-per-view EVA boxing matches, had it not been filled with fountains, benches, and various exotic plants. The whole place was eerily clean, and the employees wore livery that reminded me of a bellhop-themed magical girl show. If there hadn't been the usual gaggle of girl groups and gadabouts, I would have thought the place was a set piece for a John Woo gun battle. I slowed down as we approached the ladies' apparel department, a sense of dread overtaking me. I looked at the display mannequins.

"_Ohhh!_" Hikari squealed happily. "Aren't those the _cutest_ outfits you ever saw?" I couldn't respond to that. I never knew that there were so many shades of pink, so many types of ruffles, or so many people who _wanted_ to look like a demented strawberry ice cream cone. With sprinkles. My jaw worked open and closed. I must have looked like a fish out of water because my other companion gently closed my mouth and set her arm across my shoulder.

"The Fourth Child's speechless, Hikari," Asuka said with an evil grin and gestured towards the dressing rooms. "We'll just have to see if we can get her into one of them, won't we?"

'Ain't no _way_ they're getting me into one of those . . . things,' I thought. "Um, pink's not really my color." My voice sounded flat to my ears. What followed next was a blur of embarrassing moments. Between the three of us, we had selected enough outfits to clothe an entire girls' school. We then embarked on a winnowing out of the outfits that just didn't suit me. Unfortunately, that meant that I had to try on each and every outfit.

For the first half hour, I was in pink and ruffle hell as I tried on Hikari's selections. The display outfits were the first relegated to the heap. After seeing me in the ultra-frilly and mega-flouncy frock, Hikari reluctantly agreed with me that pink wasn't my color. To mollify her somewhat, I did decide to buy some of her more sedate selections. Then, it was Asuka's turn.

I had never blushed so much in my life. The outfits my fellow pilot chose were incredibly sexy. Short skirts, low necklines, and bare midriffs were the rule. She also forced me into some really skimpy lingerie. Looking at myself in the mirror was an experience I'd not soon forget. Asuka was actually able to browbeat me into buying more of her selections than I really wanted. Somehow, I had gotten the idea that she was going to borrow quite a few of my new outfits anyway. While she was a little taller than I was, we had the same "three sizes."

Finally, after my companions had deemed I had enough skirts, blouses and frilly things, they let me descend upon tomboy central. Jeans! Tee shirts! Slacks! I even found a booth that did custom sports jerseys while we waited. I was a little disappointed that the only American team I could find was the Yankees. I shrugged it off and got a black Hanshin Tigers baseball jersey with "Ayanami" and "03" on the back. As we made our way to the register, I stopped in the home electronics section and told the sales clerk what I wanted, and what budget I was using. I was pleasantly surprised at the deal I got when I showed him my NERV ID. With our clothing purchases in hand and my modest home theater to be delivered that night, we made our way to an ice cream parlor.

We seated ourselves at an elaborate wrought iron table. While we waited for a waiter to take our order, I let the daily gossip wash over me. I wasn't so much paying attention to idle chatter about people I didn't really know, as much as I was observing the interaction between my new friends. Hikari seemed completely normal. Asuka was a firebrand, yet, knowing what to look for, I could tell how vulnerable she really was. 

After about ten minutes of gabbing, the waiter arrived and took our orders. I groaned as Asuka ordered the most expensive dessert on the menu. Thankfully, Hikari was more circumspect and ordered a small hot fudge sundae. Figuring the cost in my head, I decided on a simple fruit sorbet. I wasn't exactly sure whether or not my system could handle any animal products at all. I knew meat was right out, but I was going to have to read my diet plan in my dossier more closely. If I couldn't have ice cream or any baked goods with eggs in them, I was going to go crazy.

Despite my concerns, I felt that I had cemented my friendships with Asuka and Hikari. Maybe it wasn't all that bad, being changed like this. I was still a little uncomfortable being a girl, but I thought I was adjusting well. My thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of our desserts.

Asuka dug into her mammoth triple banana split with sparklers and pinwheels, and Hikari daintily yet efficiently ate her sundae. I took a spoonful of my sorbet and was transported into a realm of euphoria. Strawberry, cherry, and lemon whirled in an intricate culinary dance on my taste buds.

I closed my eyes and savored the sensation. It was so good, that I felt like I was floating. I scowled a little as the scent of blood began to interfere with my gustatory enjoyment. My scowl turned into a full-blown wince as a headache formed right behind my eyes. The headache suddenly disappeared and I began to review the EVA operational procedures. It felt like I had two faces, one confused and the other serene. Suddenly I felt someone shaking my shoulder. A strange, disconnected feeling overcame me and I began to hear voices.

" . . . -Mi? Emi? Are you alright?" I opened my eyes and gazed into the concerned face of Class Representative Horaki. She took her hand from my shoulder and repeated, "Are you alright, Emi?"

I quickly reviewed my physical state. I was uninjured and sitting on the ground next to an overturned chair. Pilot Sohryu was looking at me with a strange expression. I had a cold, sticky mess on the front of my school uniform. I was slightly confused. Why was I not in Terminal Dogma, synching with the Dummy Plug System?

"I am not injured, Class Representative Horaki," I said softly. There was no need to use any more force in my words. She was close enough to hear me. Oddly, my words seemed to distress her, because a small frown formed on her face. She offered a hand to pull me to my feet. Uncertain why, I accepted it.

"Geez, Fourth Child," Pilot Sohryu interjected. "What happened? One minute you're fine, eating ice cream, and then you space out!" Her voice had her usual bluster, but I seemed to detect an undercurrent of concern. That was odd. My confusion began to grow. Why had Sohryu called me "Fourth Child?" She knew very well that I was designated "First Child." 

"I . . . am not certain, Pilot Sohryu," I said. Why did it feel wrong to call her "Pilot Sohryu?" In fact, I felt something was amiss.

"Emi," Class Rep-- no, Hikari said with a worried look on her face. She had moved her hand to just in front of her mouth, and her eyes had gotten wider. "Asuka, I think you should take her home."

"I think you're right, Hikari," the redhead agreed. "If everything works out, we'll see you tomorrow." She picked up some bags that were on the ground beside the fallen chair. She came to me and gently placed her hand on my elbow. "Come on, Emi. We'll call Misato at the apartment and see if we can't figure out what just happened." I felt a sensation wash over me from where she had touched me. It felt warm and reminded me of the time Pilot Ikari had asked me to smile after the defeat of the Fifth Angel. I tried to categorize it as we walked towards the apartment block where I had been ordered to cohabit with the awakened Dummy Plug.

That sparked a memory. The Commander had told me during the week that she was sedated in medical observation that she was going to be called "Emi." Both Pilot-- no, Asuka and Hikari had called me that name. Therefore, they must have believed that I was she. I absently rubbed my bruise from this morning. Strange. What could have caused us to spontaneously synch like that? I looked down at the bruise on my right arm.

I gasped in surprise. The bruise had formed on my _left_ arm. Emi's bruise had been on her right. I noticed Asuka looking strangely at me. I waved it off and smiled, indicating it was no big thing. A pressure formed behind my eyes, and I winced at a momentary lancing pain.

I staggered a bit as my own identity came crashing through. I was not the girl who had been strangled by a jealous woman; I was the boy who had been raised by a loving family. I was not the young woman who had been used to get Shinji to pilot EVA; I was the young man who had decorated his little sister's wedding cake. I was not the woman whose cycle was due next week; I was . . . okay, maybe I _was_ due for a cycle next week. Joy. Regardless, I was not Rei Ayanami. I was _Emi _Ayanami, bornLogan Goodhue.

We arrived at my apartment soon after I returned to myself.

"Asuka," I said as I unlocked the door, "thank you for helping me out." I looked at her from the corner of my eye and noticed her relax. I stepped inside and she followed me into the kitchen. She set my bags on the table.

"You're welcome," she said, smiling. She poked her finger at the sticky spot on the front of my uniform. "You'd better go change. While you're doing that, I'll call Misato."

"Okay, Red!" I pointed next to the refrigerator. "There's the phone." I reached into my bag and pulled out one of my "Tomboy" outfits: the baseball jersey and a pair of shorts. I dashed into my room and changed. Afterwards, I set the stained jumper in the laundry room, and then walked into the kitchen.

Asuka was scowling at the phone.

"Figures!" she fumed. "When something important happens, Misato doesn't answer her phone!" I gently took the handset away from her and placed it in the cradle.

"Thanks for trying, Asuka," I said, smiling gently. "I had fun today with you and Hikari, weird spell not withstanding." I put my hand on her shoulder in a friendly gesture, causing her to tense a little. She eventually relaxed and returned my smile. "Now, since you can't reach Misato, I guess I'll have to call Doctor Akagi."

"I suppose that'll have to do." Asuka relaxed her scowl. She turned towards the door and called over her shoulder, "Well, I've got 'homework' to do, Blue." She smirked, and I knew she'd found my nickname. "Later!"

"Later, Red!" I waved as she walked out the door. Then, I turned to the phone. Just as I was about to pick it up, it rang. "Hello? Ayanami residence. Emi speaking," I answered. The sepulchural voice on the other end made my blood run cold.

"Fourth Child," Commander Ikari said, "Report to my office immediately. We need to talk."


	5. In Stercore Profundus Est : A Little Nig

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 5: _In Stercore Profundus Est_/A Little Night Music/The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAINAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 17JAN2003, Current Version 05APR2003

******

**__**

In Stercore Profundus Est

I was in deep shit. Really. I stood in front of Commander Ikari's office with my hand held in midair. Part of me wanted to run, hide, and perhaps curl up in a ball somewhere dark. Whatever the Bastard King wanted with me just couldn't be good. I moved my hand towards the palm plate. Just before I made contact, I jerked it back. I repeated the cycle a couple of times.

'This is silly,' I thought. 'Just go in there and talk to the scary man. It's not like he's going to kill me before the Thirteenth Angel comes.' I took a deep breath and touched the plate. The door whooshed open, and I entered the lion's den.

The office was just as I expected it to be, dark and forbidding. I nervously looked around the room. The qabbalistic Tree of Life was traced in silvery light on the glowing red ceiling, casting strange shadows. In the center of the room was the Commander's desk, and beyond it a massive picture window displayed an impressive view of the geofront. Gendou Ikari sat behind his desk in his trademark pose: elbows on the desk with hands crossed in front of his bearded face, and light reflecting off his glasses, hiding his eyes. The total effect was much more intimidating than I thought it would be. I nervously cleared my throat.

"You wanted to see me, Commander?" I asked.

"Indeed," he stated, adjusting his glasses and then returning his hands to their folded position. "Section Two, Doctor Akagi, and Rei have informed me of the . . . incident this morning."

I frowned. "I see. Does Doctor Akagi have any theories?"

"At the moment, no." Gendou raised his head and looked directly at me. "Do you?"

I wilted under his gaze. 'Damn, is this guy scary!' I thought. I gulped and tried to regain my composure. "Well, I think that I may still be connected to the Dummy Plug system. I had another 'incident' this afternoon."

"Explain."

'I'd better keep this formal.' I thought. "I was socializing with Pilot Sohryu and our class representative at an ice cream parlor. Apparently, as I was starting to enjoy a fruit sorbet, Rei began synchronizing with the Dummy Plugs." The Commander's stony silence unnerved me a little, but, as he made no move to speak, I continued. "After an excruciating headache, I was convinced that I was her for approximately half an hour. Pilot Sohryu brought me to my apartment, and attempted to contact Major Katsuragi about the situation."

Gendou's mouth formed a thin line. "Her rank is Captain." I bowed my head as he continued. "Was the Second Child successful in contacting her?"

"No," I said softly. "After that, I had recovered myself. I was about to contact Doctor Akagi about the incident, when you called."

"Good. You will see her tomorrow after school for a series of tests."

"Yes, sir." I paused, stroking a nonexistent goatee thoughtfully. "Did you want anything else, sir?"

"While you're here, we may as well discuss your standing orders." He reached into his desk and pulled out a manila folder. He opened it, examined the contents briefly, and then put it away. "The scenario is quite explicit as to the importance of the Fourth Child. You are to get close to the Third."

I glared at him. "I won't sleep with him." I crossed my arms. "I'm not into incest. I'll be his friend. I'll be his sister. I'll even be his aunt." I walked over and placed both of my hands on his desk. "But I _won't_ be his lover," I hissed.

He looked at me calmly, completely unaffected by my outburst. "The degree to which you go is irrelevant. He simply must care deeply whether you live or die. However, please remember that your genetic heritage is classified. Dismissed."

I turned stiffly and walked out of the office, thinking about what had been on the folder he had looked at. It had been labeled in English: **Transit Orders for Unit 03.**

**__**

A Little Night Music

I returned to a darkened apartment. I flipped the switch in the hallway and took off my sneakers. I put them in their proper place, next to a pair of white, pull-on shoes. 'Rei must be home,' I thought with a smile, hearing the shower running as I walked into the kitchen.

An empty package of instant ramen sat next to a green tea can on the table. Sighing, I resolved to clean up after I had my own dinner. Just as I was about to check on my erstwhile sister, the phone rang. I dashed across the room and answered it.

"Ayanami residence," I said cheerfully. "Emi speaking."

"This is Section Two," a gruff voice responded. "A delivery truck from Red Star Family Department Store has arrived. They claim that you purchased an entertainment system. Is this correct?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Very well," the voice said. "Two agents will accompany the delivery men. Good bye." The line went dead and I hung up the phone. I heard the shower turn off.

I knocked gently on the bathroom door. "Rei? We've got visitors coming up, so you'd better get dressed quickly." The door opened, and Rei walked out, nodded at me, and went into her room to dress. My face was burning. While I had seen naked Reis before, I'd been in shock so I couldn't appreciate the view. Yes, I'd seen myself in a mirror, but somehow Rei herself affected me more. "Sis," I murmured, "you've _got_ to learn some feminine modesty. Otherwise, I'm gonna die from terminal nosebleeds."

I quickly tidied up the apartment a little, putting my shopping purchases in my room and clearing space in the living room for the entertainment center. Just as I kicked a beanbag chair into place, the doorbell rang. I went to the door and peered through the peephole. Seeing the two men in black, and recognizing them, I opened the door.

"Good evening, gentlemen," I said. I bowed and gestured for them to enter. "It's good to see you again on more friendly terms, Agent Oeda, and you as well, Agent Kanzaki."

"Good evening, Miss Ayanami," they replied in unison. Oeda continued, "We'll need you to sit in the kitchen as the boxes are delivered."

I nodded. "Of course. Will you help me set it up? I'm pretty sure you need to open it up to make sure that nobody's planted bugs inside."

Kanzaki smiled as Oeda walked to the door. "I don't see why not." He accompanied me into the kitchen, and I sat down as Oeda led the deliverymen in. They brought in a total of five boxes on two dollies. Kanzaki was an imposing presence beside me, and I noticed the deliverymen scurry out of my apartment as quickly as they could. As soon as they left, the Section Two agent's face softened as though a mask had slid off it.

"Well, Miss Ayanami," he said, gently setting a hand on my shoulder, "let's get your entertainment center cleared and set up."

"Yes, let's," I said ruefully. "After the day I've had, I _need_ to listen to some music to calm me down." We walked into the living room to find Oeda sitting on the floor amidst cardboard boxes, bubble wrap, and Styrofoam peanuts, while Rei stood in the doorway to her room, staring at the scene impassively. The wrinkles on her school uniform indicated that it was the same outfit she'd been wearing this morning. Shaking my head slightly, I gently dislodged Kanzaki's hand and walked over to her.

I stood beside her and watched Oeda gut my stereo system. Apparently Rei found this interesting, because her gaze never seemed to waver. Personally, I hoped he knew what he was doing. I wasn't too sure what the exchange rate was, or how much inflation had impacted the world, but fifty thousand yen was still a lot of money. I didn't relish the idea of having just a paperweight when he was done. Ten minutes of waving a little gizmo back and forth later, he closed up the case. Then, after a mere half hour, I stood before a sleek console connected to our television with a universal remote in hand. Five small speakers were placed to provide a rudimentary home theatre. I grinned and raised the remote like a talisman.

"Switch on!" I proclaimed in terrible English and activated my stereo. A slight hum rose from the speakers, and I dashed over to the digital media discs that had been part of my order. I selected a classical music sampler and inserted it into the DMD player. Moments later, Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" filled the room. I placed the beanbag chairs in the optimal position to watch TV and listen to my stereo, and then I waved goodbye as the Section Two agents left.

I plopped down in one of the beanbags and just let the music wash over me like a soothing sonic bath. I could feel the tension of the day slip away through the Sonata, and then into Mozart's "_Eine Kleine Nachtmusik_." I almost didn't notice as Rei sat beside me. I did, however, notice when she was staring at my face. She watched me for a moment and then closed her eyes and listened to the music. We sat a while in quiet companionship, until she turned to face me again.

"Emi," she said.

"Yes, Rei?"

"This is . . . pleasant."

Smiling, I put an arm around her shoulder and gave her a quick hug. "Yes, it is. I'm glad I could share it with you." She didn't respond, but then, she didn't need to. Her acceptance of the hug was good enough for me.

**__**

The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still

The following day at school was sheer torture. I wasn't quite used to the concept of a half-day of school on Saturday, and, to make my rapidly darkening mood worse, my shoe locker was full of love notes. While the teacher was droning the same tired Second Impact lecture, I filtered through them and split them into three piles: those meriting a polite refusal, those meriting nothing but an immediate trip to the recycling bin, and those meriting Asuka's special touch. Only she could help me provide the lesson the sexist pigs who wrote them needed. Even when I was in my original body, I had hated sexists of both genders. Now that I was an attractive girl, I was sickened even more. Fortunately, the middle pile was by far the largest, while the first and third each had only two and three notes, respectively.

I jotted a quick note and folded it around the "pig pile." I waited for the teacher to look down at his notes, and then passed the bundle to Asuka. She quickly read the note, and, glaring briefly at the boys responsible, nodded. I smiled back at her and dealt with the two notes I felt I had to respond to. I penned my response to one of the notes, informing the poor guy that I wasn't interested in a relationship with _anyone_ at the moment, and then sat and pondered the last note.

It was well written, and if I had been a normal girl, I _might_ have swooned over it. That wasn't what concerned me. Many of the other notes had been just as flattering. I was concerned because of the person who wrote it. Kensuke Aida. How was I going to gently let him down without crushing the poor dweeb? I really didn't want it noised about that I was effectively a lesbian, but how else could I stave off unwanted advances from the guys? I noticed everyone beginning to tense in the room, and I looked towards the front. The teacher was looking at his watch.

"Well, class, that's almost all for the day," he said. The class relaxed, and I could feel the emotions in the room lighten. The teacher continued. "However, we will soon be having career guidance meetings, please inform your parents. Dismissed." The familiar stampede of students leaving the classroom greeted those words.

I gathered my things and made my way outside. As I walked over to where Rei and Asuka were waiting, I couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive. Not only was I supposed to have Doctor Akagi probe and prod me, but also all of the EVA pilots were supposed to have synch tests. Wanting to think about something other than EVA for a moment, I wondered whom I was supposed to tell about the career guidance . . .

'Oh, shit!' I thought, seeing Shinji talking on a green pay phone. 'There's an angel attack today!' I jumped as I felt a hand settle on my shoulder. I turned and met ice-blue eyes.

"Hey, Blue," Asuka said with a hint of amusement in her voice. "You look nervous. Afraid I'll show you up today?"

I smiled wanly. "I'm not afraid of that. You'll _definitely_ show me up. It will only be my second time in an EVA, you know." Asuka gave me a flat look, and I continued. "Well, I just . . . have a bad feeling today. Something isn't right."

Disbelief colored her voice. "Okay . . ."

Over at the pay phone, Shinji looked at the handset with shock. Sadly, he set it back in its cradle and walked over to us. His normal hangdog expression seemed even more morose than usual.

"So, Ace," I teased, "what did your old man have to say?"

"I'm not sure," Shinji replied. "We were cut off in the middle." We began walking towards headquarters and continued our conversation. Asuka stretched and put her arms up behind her head.

"That's only because he was just too busy," she said.

Shinji paused thoughtfully. "I was wondering about that. I think there was a failure rather than him just hanging up on me."

Asuka looked angrily over her shoulder. "What kind of man are you, getting all bent out of shape over every little thing?" I shook my head sadly as Shinji lowered his head. I walked up next to Asuka as we cleared the hill.

"Aren't you being a little harsh on him?" I asked in German. I absently noted that the traffic signals were off and grimaced a little.

"Why shouldn't I be? He's such a wimp!" She turned a hooded gaze towards Shinji. Most people wouldn't have noticed the slight softening of her expression.

"'You always hurt the one you love,'" I muttered to myself in English as we reached headquarters. I looked out the corner of my eye at Asuka and smiled craftily. She was trying to hide a blush. 'Maybe I can get them together before "the Kiss,"' I thought hopefully. I shook myself out of my reverie as Asuka shouldered her way past Rei to the card reader for the main entrance and knocked Shinji aside. 'Or maybe not.'

"The _verdammt_ thing's broken!" the redhead wailed, glaring angrily at her ID card. I stepped up beside her and turned a careful eye to the reader. Since I already knew what was wrong, I made a show of looking it over, and sighed softly.

"It's not broken, Asuka," I said. "I think the power's out." I opened my satchel and began to dig for my emergency manual. As I did that, my fellow pilots checked the other doors and tried the direct-access phones, with no results. I read the pamphlet and groaned at the obvious instructions. I cleared my throat and read aloud. "In the event of a power outage, Evangelion pilots are to proceed immediately to their Evangelions with all due haste."

Shinji stood in confusion for a moment, his eyes flickering between Asuka, Rei, and myself. "Huh?" he asked eloquently. He pointed at what I was reading, while Asuka and Rei dug their manuals out. "What's that?"

"Are you stupid?" Asuka asked, exasperated. "It's our emergency manual. You know, a _manual_ we read in the case of an _emergency_, like, oh, say, the power being out?" She walked over and cuffed him in the back of the head. I noted with some interest that it wasn't as hard as she could have hit him. "Anyway, in a situation like this, we need a leader."

I grinned. "Do you have anyone in mind, Red?" I knew what was coming.

"Naturally,_ I _should be the leader," she said grandly. "Any objections?" I shook my head, Rei read her manual, and Shinji stood dumbstruck. "Right, let's go!" She turned sharply on her heel and began to look for an entrance.

Rei looked up from her manual. "I believe we can use Route Seven to reach the geofront." She pointed in the direction Asuka was facing away from. Our erstwhile leader gasped in frustration and followed Rei to the door to Route Seven. I followed suit, and Shinji brought up the rear. As we arrived, he looked on in confusion.

"But the doors don't work," he said, and then brightened as he spied the crank to the right of the door. "Ah! A manual door."

Asuka grinned. "Well, Shinji, get cranking!" Shinji opened his mouth to protest, but the redhead just _glared_ at him. He bowed his head, and she stood confidently as he started to strain at the crank.

Shinji grunted as the door opened centimeter by centimeter. "Hnnnh! You . . . only rely on me . . . in situations like this."

"Don't you know that it's a gentleman's duty to open the door for a lady?" I asked, half joking. Judging from the effort he was putting into it, the door must have been very difficult to open. A minute later, the door was open enough for us to go through.

We entered the dark tunnels and began walking. The tunnels here had never been the most friendly of places when well lit, and the gloom made them eerie. Only their sheer size kept them from being oppressive. I kept close to Rei, knowing that she knew where we were going. That also allowed Shinji and Asuka to bicker in at least the illusion of privacy. I almost cursed the sharper senses I now possessed because I couldn't quite tune out the arguments. Every time we reached a junction, Asuka insisted on choosing the direction. Mainly because I knew we'd reach the EVAs in time, I let her. Shinji however was not quite as generous.

"It usually takes only two minutes to get there," Shinji complained nervously. "Are you sure that this is the way, Asuka?"

Asuka huffed. "I'm sure that if we continue this way, we'll reach the geofront in no time." She turned towards me. "Isn't that right, Blue?" Not wanting to get involved in the argument, I shrugged noncommittally.

"I don't know," he said, not convinced. "You've been saying that for the past few minutes now."

"You worry too much about every little thing!" Asuka began to rant. 

Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation run through my body, as though I was standing next to a pipe organ rumbling its lowest, loudest chord.

_::Duty.::_ It wasn't quite like I heard the word; it was more like I _felt_ the meaning of it.

Rei tilted her head, listening. "Be quiet," she said forcefully, forestalling the burgeoning argument between Shinji and Asuka.

"Wonder Girl . . ." Asuka seethed warningly. She began to clench her teeth as I noticed a sound in the distance.

"A voice," Rei said. She looked directly in the direction of the sound, and it became clearer.

"--N #%-gel is c*&ing! Repeat . . ." a male voice said distorted by both the public address system he was using and the Doppler effect. I was able to catch a flash of headlights and the shape of a van racing by through the pipes near the ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the flash of recognition on Shinji and Asuka's faces.

"It's Hyuga!" they shouted in unison, and began waving. It was a pointless gesture, but I figured they needed it. Asuka stopped and seemed to listen, while Shinji was still shouting for attention. He stopped as the truck drew near enough for him to clearly hear the message.

"An Angel is coming!" His voice was frantic. "Repeat. An Angel is coming now!" An expression of dread overtook Shinji, while determination set on Asuka's face. Rei, on the other hand, was looking directly at a ventilation duct. She looked back at me with a questioning look in her eyes. I nodded, agreeing with her unspoken question.

"We can't waste time," my sister said flatly. "We should take a shortcut." She began to make her way towards the duct.

"Hey!" Asuka shouted, a frown marring her beauty. "I'm the leader here! Don't do things on your own initiative without my permission."

I sighed softly and helped Rei open the duct. "Asuka," I said gently, "one of the traits of a good leader is knowing when to listen to one's subordinates." I set the grille to the side and looked Asuka in the eye. "This is one of those times, okay?" I set my hand on her shoulder, smiled, and then entered the duct.

It was much larger than I thought it would be, a perfectly square duct approximately a meter and a half wide. I guessed that if I were a child of about six or seven, I would be able to walk upright, but as it was, we had to crawl on our hands and knees. Each movement of our passage stirred up a layer of dust, and I was sure that Asuka was due to complain at any moment.

"Damn it!" she fumed from behind me. "This may be a shortcut, but we're getting _filthy_."

"Look at it as a fashion statement," I quipped. "The Tokyo-3 collection: School uniforms and ten-year-old dust. It's _all_ the rage!" The Teutonic muttering behind me indicated Asuka's less than glowing review of my comedy, while Shinji chuckled gently.

Rei led us unerringly past several junctions, and we traveled in relative silence until Shinji spoke.

"Hey, Asuka," he said. "What do you think the Angels are?" I looked back over my shoulder to catch the conversation.

Asuka seemed annoyed. "What are you blabbing about at a time like this?" I caught a look at Shinji, who seemed thoughtful.

"Angels." He continued. "They were supposedly messengers of God, and yet, we call our enemies Angels. Why are we fighting against them?"

Asuka sighed in apparent exasperation. "Are you _stupid_? These things are attacking us, you know! It's only natural that we defend ourselves."

"Oh," he said. "What about you, Emi? What do you think?"

I blinked. I hadn't expected him to ask me anything after Asuka berated him. "Well," I said finally, "unlike a lot of people, I was never under the impression that angels were all harps, wings and haloes. You see, in the Bible, in the Old Testament, whenever God wanted to punish or test someone, he sent an angel. Personally, I think the Angels we face are either testing us or punishing us for the hubris of some of our scientists 'playing God.'"

"Oh," Shinji said in a small voice as we exited the ductwork and returned to a corridor. I was glad to notice how much cleaner this passage was. After a minute or two, we reached a fork in the way. Asuka stood contemplating the choices. After a moment, she struck a fist into her palm and made a decision.

"Well," she said, "to the right!" She turned and began to walk up the right corridor.

Rei turned and pointed down the other one. "I think it's to the left," she said softly.

"Rot in Hell, Wonder Girl!" the redhead snapped. I flinched at the vehemence in her voice. "What do you think, Shinji?"

"Umm," he temporized. "I . . . I don't know . . ."

"Typical," Asuka sneered and then turned angrily to me. "How 'bout you, Blue? You got anything to add?"

Not wanting to cause a scene with Asuka while we had more important things to do, I replied calmly. "No, since you're supposed to be the leader of this little slumber party, we'd better just follow you."

"You're right!" Asuka beamed and strode forward purposefully. "Let's go!"

The walk through that corridor was the hardest thing I had ever done. A cold pit of dread formed in my stomach, and yet, I felt a strange sensation of joy. That was odd. The fear was right; I knew we'd see Matariel in just a few minutes. The joy confused me. The sensation I had before returned with a vengeance. Where before, it had felt like a pipe organ, it now felt like I stood next to the speakers at a heavy metal concert.

**__**

::DUTY.::

I staggered a little, causing Rei to look at me oddly. _Is that concern I see?_ I thought. My palms were sweating, and I felt cold. If I were in a movie, the background music would be building tension. I smiled weakly at Rei and tried to gesture that everything was all right. She nodded slightly and continued. As we walked, I noticed that the tunnel we were in began to slope upward.

Shinji noticed, too. "As I suspected," he said, "this tunnel leads up."

Asuka looked back over her shoulder with an expression that could melt hardened battleship steel. "What do you mean, 'As I suspected?'" She narrowed her eyes and brushed aside the comment. "You talk too much!" We continued on and saw the door ahead. "Aha! This time, for sure!" 

"Oh, no," I said in a small voice. "Please don't open the door, Asuka," I whispered. Time seemed to slow down.

Asuka bounded towards the door.

My hands seemed to rise up to my mouth of their own accord.

Asuka raised her leg for a kick.

My heart pounded.

**_::DUTY.::_**

The muscles in her leg tensed.

Like moving through molasses, I tried to stop her.

Shinji blinked.

Her foot began its arc . . .

*****

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm an evil bastard, aren't I? :)

Seriously, this chapter took a lot of effort for me, and REAL LIFE intruded terribly, between my job and family medical crises. I hope that I can get Chapter Six out a little faster . . . 

Truth to tell, this angel battle probably won't be changed much, but the differences are going to start accruing by the time Sahaquiel drops in. So, tune in next time for _I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug_, Chapter Six: Jonny Quest, I'm Not/Ryoji Kaji, International Man of Mystery


	6. Jonny Quest, I'm Not

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 6: Jonny Quest, I'm Not

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAiNAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 17APR2003, Current Version 27JUN2003

******

**__**

Last time on I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug_:_

"Oh, no," I said in a small voice. "Please don't open the door, Asuka," I whispered. Time seemed to slow down.

Asuka bounded towards the door.

My hands seemed to rise up to my mouth of their own accord.

Asuka raised her leg for a kick.

My heart pounded.

**_:: DUTY. ::_**

The muscles in her leg tensed.

Like moving through molasses, I tried to stop her.

Shinji blinked.

Her foot began its arc . . .

**__**

Jonny Quest, I'm Not

. . . And connected with the door, sending it banging against its stops on the outside. I marveled at the bright sun, illuminating a charming little alley that was soon filled by a massive arthropod's leg. The limb tensed, and the Angel's body hove into view.

The mecha designer for the anime hadn't done Matariel justice, or perhaps the budget didn't allow for the effects shots that would have been required. They had gotten the overall look of it right; it was massive, with four spindly legs supporting a bowl-shaped body covered in staring, yellow eyes. What they hadn't been able to convey was its terrible beauty. Its carapace was iridescent, sparking rainbows along its edges.

It paused, seeming to stare at us, and I caught its aroma. It smelled like the ozone in the air before it rains intermingled with frankincense and myrrh. I took an almost unwilling step towards it, then a pair of hands dragged me back into the tunnel and the door slammed shut. I was whirled around until I was face-to-face with Asuka. Fear, anger, and a barely detectable hint of concern glinted in her eyes.

"What the Hell's wrong with you, Blue?" she asked tensely. "Why were you just standing there?" Before I could answer, she interrupted. "Never mind, let's just get to the EVAs." She dragged me down the hallway as we returned to the junction and took the hall Rei had recommended before. I wisely held my tongue. We made our way down the corridors with better speed, as Asuka seemed to be letting Rei navigate. Each junction that Rei chose seemed to irritate Asuka a little, until she finally lashed out.

"You're the Commander's favorite, aren't you, Wonder Girl?" she asked snidely. "You're always getting preferential treatment."

"This really isn't the time . . ." Shinji and I said simultaneously. He blushed and looked down. Rei ignored Asuka's comment.

"You're _sooo_ self-righteous and smug." The redhead clucked her tongue in irritation. Her eyes narrowed as she realized she was being ignored. "Hey! Just because you're the favorite doesn't mean you can make a fool of me!"

Rei turned her head slowly towards Asuka. Her calm crimson gaze seemed to bore into the Second Child. "I'm not making a fool of you." She returned her gaze towards the front. "I'm not favored. I know that well."

Meanwhile, Shinji had made a discovery. "Um," he said, pointing at the rubble strewn across the hall, "I don't think I'll be able to move this."

I spotted the ventilation grate near the rubble and smiled. "I don't think we need to worry about that, Ace. Hey, Sis, Red."

I waved them over. "I think I've got a way to Central Dogma, but it looks like it'll be a tight fit."

After a short argument, we began crawling down the ventilation ducts. Rei led the way, I followed close behind her, and Asuka and Shinji brought up the rear. I sighed to myself as Asuka berated Shinji for looking at her butt, kicking him. Out of a perverse sense of justice, I refrained from telling her that she was probably flashing her panties to him with every kick. In fact, I grinned to myself. Misato would just love to hear about that, and we could do some double-barreled teasing. 

My post-battle planning was sidetracked as the force from one of Asuka's kicks proved to be too much for the grates. With a pair of surprised yelps, Shinji and Asuka landed in a tangled heap in front of a startled Ritsuko Akagi. I turned and levered myself out of the opening and landed in a rolling crouch, while Rei made a gymnastic landing that would have earned a ten from the Romanian judge. A quick glance confirmed that we were in Central Dogma, as I expected.

Doctor Akagi's surprise turned to joy. "You made it!" she said.

I helped Asuka to her feet as Shinji used one of the chairs to get up. He turned to Ritsuko. "Um, what about the EVAs?" he asked nervously.

"They're ready," she replied.

"How? I mean, the power's out!"

Doctor Akagi smirked. "It was done manually. The Commander even helped."

Shock, pain and grudging respect flitted across Shinji's face. "Father . . ." he said softly.

"Now, why don't you get suited up and meet me at the cages?" she asked. As we turned to leave, she spoke up. "Oh, Emi-_chan_?"

I winced slightly and turned to face her. "Yes'm?"

"You'll find a new plug suit and special neural clips in your locker." Her smirk turned into a sharkish grin. "They should help with your little 'problem.'"

I swallowed nervously. "Right. Now, if you'll excuse me, we've got an Angel to fight." With that, I rushed to catch up with Rei and Asuka.

In the changing room, I discovered that someone had marked a locker for me across the way from the other pilots'. Glad that I could get my changing done without staring at my new sister and friend, I opened it and withdrew the packaged plug suit and A-10 clips. After I donned the outfit, I took a moment to check it out in the mirror.

It was a dark gray variant of Asuka's plug suit, with red trim where Asuka's had green and black in all the expected places. A stenciled "03" indicated my future piloting duties. The dark suit contrasted strongly with my pale skin, making me look like a vampire, compared to Rei's ethereal white. I stood there, mesmerized by the hauntingly beautiful girl in the mirror before me, until Asuka smacked me in the back of the head and dragged me along to the EVA cages, ranting about narcissists all the way.

"You can look at yourself all you want once we've beaten this angel, Emi," she said roughly.

"You promise?" I asked playfully. Asuka snorted in exasperated amusement while Rei gave me a questioning look. "We'll talk about it later," I mouthed. Rei nodded. Moments later we reached the cages, where Shinji and Doctor Akagi were waiting.

Ritsuko cleared her throat. "Intelligence indicates that the Angel is directly above the hole bored by the Fifth Angel," she said and looked at each of us in turn. "Because the power's out, we can't give you any support beyond the battery packs we've loaded that will give you five minutes of activation." She looked down at her clipboard as Asuka and Rei nodded. "Since Captain Katsuragi is currently missing, the Commander has given me orders to relay to you." She raised her head and looked me in the eye. "Emi will ride tandem with Rei in Unit Zero." I shifted a little uncomfortably. "After activation, you will take Access Corridor Seven-G to the shaft and engage the Angel at your discretion. Proceed."

After we acknowledged our orders, we dashed to our respective Evangelions. Rei and I crawled into Unit Zero's entry plug, Rei taking the controls while I stood to the side of the command seat. While there was plenty of room for the both of us, I was still a little uncomfortable. It was like an adult sitting in the rear seat of a sports coupe: While there was plenty of room for my body, the space was arranged poorly. It was understandable, really. The space I stood in was probably meant for a technician to adjust the seat to a growing pilot or to modify the controls.

Rei was intensely focused on preparing the EVA for manual launch. I winced internally as I followed her mental checklist with the one I acquired in the previous day's incident. The LCL cycled in and Rei activated the Evangelion. A brief multi-colored flash started the control interface, and I gasped a little as Rei and I synchronized with the EVA.

Where my previous synchronization with Unit Zero had gone relatively smoothly, I could feel the struggle Rei was having. Oddly, I could also feel the EVA's armor restraints as if I were wearing them myself. There was a brief flash of confusion, and then resignation, as Rei took control. Activation complete, Rei began manual removal of the cage restraints. When that was done, we joined Shinji and Asuka in Corridor Seven-G.

"This is making me look ridiculous!" Asuka complained as we made the EVAs crawl along the corridor.

"I don't think the Angels care how we look, Red," I said. She snorted in amused irritation. I looked over at Rei and saw the concentration on her face. Wanting to help, I set my hands on top of hers on the butterfly handles. Her expression eased and we looked ahead.

"We've reached the vertical shaft," Rei said softly. 

Worry was beginning to knot my gut as I thought about what we were about to face. True, Matariel was the easiest Angel battle, but there were so many things that could go wrong just because I was there. As I began thinking of all the ways I could screw this up, Rei interrupted me.

"You are disturbing my concentration," she said without malice. I smiled. It was just like her to say something that would have sounded confrontational from anyone else, yet was a simple statement of fact. I returned my attention to making Unit Zero climb up the shaft.

"Is this better, Sis?" I asked.

She gazed at me levelly. "Yes." She returned her eyes to the display. "Thank you."

**_:: DUTY. ::_**

I winced at the volume of the "shout" and noticed a flash of something falling by our EVA's head. A second later, I noticed an orange splash that hissed at one of our battery packs.

"The Angel's using some sort of acid!" I informed Asuka and Shinji. "Watch out!" Rei closed her mouth, as I had just said what she was about to. A sudden burning sensation told me that some of the Angel's acid had hit Unit Zero's feet. We slipped, and suddenly, all three EVAs were in freefall.

I began to panic. While falling in and of itself wasn't going to hurt me, the sudden stop at the bottom was. Suddenly, there was a shock, and I saw stars. I blinked and struggled to breathe. After a momentary felling of helplessness, I had full control of my body again. Something was wrong, however.

I pulled myself from the back of the plug to check on Rei. My heart leaped up into my throat as I noticed the red cloud billowing in the LCL and realized that Rei was bleeding from a head wound and wasn't moving. In a panic, I reached out and touched her neck just behind her jaw. I was relieved to find a pulse. As I was trying to make sure Rei was okay, a vidwindow popped up, framing Asuka's scowling face.

"Damn it, Wonder Girl!" the redhead ranted. "Get mov- . . ." She blinked. "Emi? What are you doing?"

"Rei's hurt!" I replied, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. "She must have cracked her head against the seat in the fall, because she's out cold and there's blood everywhere . . ." I was beginning to hyperventilate.

"What?" Shinji's concerned image popped up next to Asuka's. "Ayanami's hurt?"

"Whatever," Asuka snarled angrily, and Shinji flinched. "Come on, Blue, get that hunk of junk off of my precious Unit Two before that Angel drops more acid on us."

Her comment made me check the outside display. Sure enough, all three EVAs were in a pile with Unit One on the bottom, Two in the middle, and Zero on top. Wedging my way into the seat and trying not to jostle Rei too badly, I took hold of the butterfly handles. Admittedly, my situation was uncomfortable, but I felt the flash of muted sensation that indicated that I was in control of the EVA. The controls felt sluggish, and its movements were mechanical, but I was able to move it off the pile and towards the cross tunnel. 

As the three EVAs entered the tunnel, the battery packs were ejected with a mechanical _thunk_. We gathered in a rough semicircle and began to plan our battle strategy. I knew what Asuka was going to say, and I knew it would work. I was just worried that I wouldn't be able to pull off my part of the plan as well as Rei would.

'Rei,' I thought sadly. 'I hope you'll be all right.' As the word "hope" crossed my mind, I suddenly felt a warm, pleasant sensation in my chest. It reminded me of the times when I was little and my mother would comfort me after I had scraped my knee, or something bad had happened to one of my siblings. It grew stronger as I looked at Rei, and I realized what it was.

I loved her. Not romantically, but as a sister. While technically, and according to the documents that had been forged for me, I was her little sister, I felt like her big brother, wanting to protect her, and her big sister, wanting to help her become more human. My thoughts were interrupted by the other pilots.

"- -ll we do?" Shinji asked.

"We'll destroy it, of course!" Asuka replied smugly.

"Sure," he replied nervously, "but how? I dropped the rifle in the fall and the battery packs are empty." He swallowed hard. "We only have three minutes of activation left."

"I have a three-part plan," she said simply. "Defense stays here, neutralizing the Angel's AT Field and protecting Offense from the acid. Backup drops down, retrieves the rifle and gives it to Offense. Offense then destroys the Angel with a burst from the rifle."

"Good plan, Red. I'll take Backup," I said. I smiled wryly and continued. "My synch ratio isn't good enough to project an AT Field, much less neutralize one."

"Excellent, Blue!" Asuka crowed. "I'll take Defense . . ."

"But isn't that dangerous?" Shinji asked. He sounded nervous, but even through the vidwindow, it looked more like he was worried about her.

"Of course it is, dummy!" she said. "That's why I'm doing it! Besides, I owe you one from the last battle. That of course makes you Offense, Shinji. Are we clear?"

"Roger, Red!" I answered, and Shinji grunted in assent.

Unit Two bounded towards the shaft. "Right," Asuka shouted. "Let's go." With that, her EVA disappeared up the shaft in a flash of red. I made my EVA lurch to its feet and made my way to the shaft. I tensed a bit and looked at Rei's face for a moment. With a determined frown on my face, I returned my attention to the battle.

'I've got to do this,' I thought. 'I _can_ do this. It's my . . .'

**_:: DUTY. ::_**

"You took the words right out of my mouth, Matariel," I muttered under my breath. Yelling the traditional battle cry, I leapt down the shaft. "Geronimo!" The fall took a few seconds, and I could hear Asuka's cries of pain as the Angel's acid spattered across her EVA. I presumed Shinji was getting into position. Just as I was about to fire the retro boosters to slow my fall, a gloved hand was set on top of mine on the controls.

"Not yet," Rei said. We fell for six heartbeats, and then she nodded. "Now."

Verniers opened on the shoulder pauldroons and directed the thrust of six powerful engines downwards, slowing our fall to an acceptable speed. We landed in a crouch, right in front of Shinji's dropped Rifle. We reached down and picked it up.

"Heads up, Shinji!" I yelled, as we threw the rifle upwards. Unit One caught it easily, and it turned towards the Angel.

"Thanks, Ayanami!" Shinji replied. "Asuka, clear the way!"

Unit Two flipped around from its sheltering position and pressed itself against one wall, leaving room for Shinji to fire a sustained burst from his pallet rifle, killing Matariel in a spatter of Angel flesh.

**_:: COMPLETION. GODSPEED, GABRIEL. ::_**

Asuka's EVA lost its hold on the wall and plummeted into Unit One, which easily caught it.

"Well," Asuka said, relieved. "Now we're even."

That evening, still in our plug suits, we sat stargazing on a hill overlooking Tokyo-3. Asuka sat between Rei and Shinji, while I sat on the other side of Rei. I smiled to myself at the spectacular view afforded by the lack of light pollution. I was able to see the Milky Way and I made out several Zodiac constellations. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who found it comforting, as Shinji spoke up.

"It's ironic," he said gently, "that without the city lights, the stars are so beautiful."

Asuka shivered. "But it doesn't seem as though anyone lives there." The city lights came on slowly, producing a lightshow that rivaled the stars. Asuka smiled. "Now that's more like it!"

"Humans fear the darkness," Rei stated softly, "and, to ease their fears, scrape away at the edges with fire."

"Wonder Girl's a philosopher, huh?" Asuka said, leaning back.

"If that's so," Shinji said, "maybe that makes humans special. Maybe that's why the Angels are attacking us."

Asuka snorted. "What are you, stupid? Who knows why they do anything?"

"I think," I said hesitantly, "that they are doing what they perceive to be their duty." I got to my feet. "As much as I like hanging out with you guys, Doctor Akagi's got me scheduled for some tests early tomorrow morning. I've gotta get some sleep, you know? "I leaned down and folded Rei into a hug, then let her go. "See you at home later, Sis." 

About a half hour later, I stood in front of my apartment door dressed in my school uniform. I reached into my satchel, pulled out my keys, and unlocked the door. I closed it behind me and made my way into the kitchen. I dropped my satchel from nerveless fingers as I saw someone sitting at the table. 

"Why good evening, Miss Ayanami!" Ryoji Kaji said with a lady-killer smile. "I was wondering if you could tell me about . . . " He reached below the table and placed a DVD case and an open wallet on the table. ". . . this."


	7. Ryoji Kaji, International Man of Mystery

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 7: Ryoji Kaji, International Man of Mystery / Persistence of Memory

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAiNAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 1JUL2003; Current version 21JUL2003

**__**

Ryoji Kaji, International Man of Mystery

My latest annoyance in Tokyo-3 sat patiently across from me, a wide smirk barely disturbing the stubble along his jaw. Kaji's brown eyes were alight with mischief, showing traces of the Boy Band charisma that had lured Misato in however long ago. The overall effect seemed to say, "You can trust me with your secrets, sweetheart. You can trust me with _everything_."

I was glad as hell that it wasn't affecting me. I began to examine the objects before me on the table. I started with the wallet.

It was made from battered black cloth with a frayed Velcro™ closure. Several bills of American currency peeked out of the top, and a central pocket was stuffed to bursting with water-damaged business cards. The thing that drew most of my attention was the driver's license beneath the thin plastic window in another pocket; the photo of the heavyset man with glasses, a beard, and almost as mischievous a smile as Kaji's; the face I had called my own.

A little shaken, I turned my gaze towards the DVD case, and felt my heart plummet. It was ADV's third installment of _Neon Genesis Evangelion_, with Commander Ikari's stern visage scowling disapprovingly in ink and paint on the cover. I reached for the case and opened it, revealing an empty spindle.

'Where's the DVD?' I thought to myself. 'Does Gendo have it? Can he even watch it? Is this the only one he has?' A sudden chill went up my spine at the thought of the Bastard King having access to _Death and Rebirth_ and _End of Evangelion_. Kaji reached over and took the case from my unresisting fingers. He leaned back in his chair and gazed at me through half-lidded eyes, waiting for me to respond.

I took a deep breath and replied, "It's a pilot thing. You wouldn't understand." I began to smirk myself as Kaji looked at me in confusion. I sighed. "I thought you'd appreciate that little bit of levity, Mister Kaji. I'm sure you get sick of people telling you, 'If I told you, I'd have to kill you,' whenever you're near classified material."

His confusion didn't last long, and his smirk returned full force. "Well, it appears you have me at a disadvantage. You know who I am, but I can't say the same for you."

"What do you mean? You've called me by name already."

"But that's just it. I don't think 'Emi Arizona Ayanami' is your real name."

I froze and looked at him. "Why not?" I asked.

"Because prior to Wednesday, September twenty-third, 2015, 'Emi Arizona Ayanami' simply did not exist in any database in either Japan or the United States."

"And how did you know that?"

His smirk was exchanged for a face-splitting grin. "I watched Doctor Akagi hack into the American Social Security database."

"She obviously wasn't aware she had an audience," I replied, deadpan. "So, where did you get the wallet and the Commander's portrait? I already know that you're at least a triple agent, so you don't need to feel shy about telling me that you were snooping about."

"Well," he said, looking at his watch and nimbly evading the question, "my busy schedule keeps me from staying too much longer." He stood, stretched, and then scooped up the DVD case and wallet. He walked past me towards the door.

"Just a moment, Ryoji," I said, putting what little steel I could into my voice. It was obviously enough, as he turned back with his hand on the doorknob. "Depending on who you're really working for, I _might_ be able to help you." I interrupted him as he was about to reply. "On the condition that Captain Katsuragi is present whenever we . . . 'chat' . . . in the future. Is that okay?"

"Of course!" Kaji beamed at me and reached into his shirt pocket. He flipped a rectangular piece of plastic at me. I caught it as he threw in his parting shot. "I believe you dropped this. Have a nice evening, Miss Ayanami." With that, he walked out into the night.

I looked at the phone card in bemusement. I idly turned it over in my hands and gasped at the artwork on the other side: Rei in a _yukata_, or summer _kimono_, under the moon. Memory flashed, and I remembered the last day of my life before I woke up in the "Reiquarium."

**__**

Persistence of Memory

I put my car in park and turned off the engine. I got out and locked the doors. While this was a quiet neighborhood most of the time, it was Friday night, and the college kids in the apartment block up the street were having a party. I was fortunate to even have a parking space. I shook my head and staggered to the front door of my house.

It had been a really long day at work, and I was looking forward to a hot meal and some rest and relaxation before I went to bed. Opening the door, I was hit with the aroma of Italian cooking. I sniffed and smiled.

'Lasagna,' I thought dreamily. 'Good ol' Mom!' I grabbed a serving and read the note next to a FedEx box on the kitchen table:

_Logan,_

This came for you today. Dad and I weren't feeling too well, so we've gone to bed. There's plenty of lasagna on the stove.

Love, Mom.

I set my lasagna in the microwave and turned my attention to the box. I checked the address and was pleased to discover that it was from one of the numerous online anime shops. I quickly made my past the shipping seals and ripped through the bubble wrap to find a package of _Evangelion_ phone cards, a _Nadesico_ art book, and a large box that purported to be a special edition of the _S^2 Works Neon Genesis Evangelion Soundtrack Collection_. At least, that's what I thought it said. Due to my limited knowledge of Japanese, all I could make out was the NERV logo, "Evangelion," and "S^2."

My ruminations were interrupted when the microwave beeped, and I retrieved my radioactive repast. Goodies in one hand, and my dinner in the other, I trekked my way into the living room and set up camp in the big recliner in front of the television. A little fiddling with the remote control, and I was basking in the blue glow of late prime-time programming.

I made short work of the lasagna and set the plate aside with a satisfied belch. 'Momma cooks some good Italian for someone of Irish descent!' I mused. Smiling, I raked my eyes across the DVD and CD racks by the TV and decided that I had time to watch some anime before I went to bed. Besides, I'd already seen the episode of _CSI: Whatever_.

'Now, what to watch?' I wondered. In a fit of whimsy I spun the DVD rack and randomly chose a disc of Evangelion. I popped the disc into the player and sat back to enjoy the angst fest. As I waited for the ADV trailers to finish, I began to open the_ S^2 Works _box. I easily tore through the shrink-wrap and pried open the flaps on the box. I was bemused at what I found.

It was a shiny red sphere about eight inches in diameter. 'Well, it's big enough to hold seven CD's, anyway,' I thought. I pulled it from the box and examined it more closely. It felt like some kind of ceramic, and I couldn't find any seams anywhere. 'What the Hell?' It was beginning to warm up, and I heard a slight rhythmic pulse, like a heartbeat.

I looked closer, and noticed that my reflection in the sphere wasn't distorted. That was highly unusual for a spherical surface. I frowned. Something wasn't right here. Just as "Cruel Angel's Thesis" began playing on the DVD's menu screen, motion on the floor caught my attention. I looked down and saw a dark circular shadow that encompassed the recliner, an end table, and a few DVD cases. I began to freak out as I felt a falling sensation and saw the floor getting closer. As darkness surrounded me, a feminine voice seemed to whisper.

__

:: Sleep, :: it "said." _:: Sleep, and be reborn, my child. ::_

After the memory finished playing out, I blinked and found myself staring at Rei. Mild curiosity touched her features.

"What were you doing, Emi?" she asked evenly.

I smiled gently at her. "Just reliving some memories." I glanced at the clock and stood up. If I wanted to be in any shape to go through hours of grueling tests, I needed to go to bed. "You don't need to worry about it, but thanks, anyway." I wrapped my arms around her in a sisterly hug and kissed her cheek. "Good night, Rei. I love you."

As I walked to my bedroom, I spared a glance back at her. She still stood where I had left her, a look of confusion on her face that included just the barest hint of a smile, and her hand on her cheek. I opened the door and walked in, barely noticing when Rei spoke.

"Good night, Sister."

***Author's notes***

Well, this is a short chapter for me, but I felt that my faithful readers deserved _something_ for having to wait so long on Chapter Six. 

Chapter Eight preview:

Emi has some "Girl Talk" with Doctor Akagi, and deals with Kensuke's love letter. Will she be able to maintain a professional relationship with Ritsuko? Will she be able to make Kensuke stop stalking her? Oh, and there'll be some fan service, too!

Next time on _I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug_: Ritsuko Blinded Me With Science / Love Stinks.


	8. Ritsuko Blinded Me With Science

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 8: Ritsuko Blinded Me With Science

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAiNAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 01AUG2003; Current version 06OCT2003

**__**

Ritsuko Blinded Me With Science

Sunday dawned beautifully, and I was awake to appreciate it. After taking care of my morning routine and preparing a vegetarian breakfast for Rei and myself, I made my way to the geofront. The walk was pleasant. The sound of birds chirping, along with the cicadas, provided a relaxing counterpoint to the usual hustle and bustle of a major city. A gentle breeze kept the omnipresent summer weather from being too uncomfortable. It was a shame that I was going to spend such a lovely day deep underground.

'Oh, well,' I thought, looking at my pale skin. 'At least I won't get a sunburn . . .' With that and a quick swipe of my ID card through the reader, I entered the geofront.

Scant minutes later, I found myself in front of Doctor Akagi's door. I knocked, and hearing her response, I entered her office. As I had expected, file folders littered the desk next to a MAGI terminal. The good doctor herself was turned away from me in her chair and seemed to be talking to someone on the phone. Not wanting to interrupt her any further, I turned my attention to the framed diplomas on the walls. I was impressed to discover that she had multiple doctorates: Medical, Biochemistry, Genetics, and Computer Sciences. Looking closer as she chattered on, my respect for her grew as I realized that three of her doctorates had the same date on them. Eventually, her conversation wound down and she turned to face me.

"Good morning, Emi-chan!" she said with a sly grin. "Are you ready for today's tests?"

"Well, Ritsy-poo," I said, trying to put on a Kaji-like lady-killer smile, "not particularly, but I guess I'll manage somehow."

"That's good," she said, her left eyebrow twitching dangerously. She stood stiffly and grabbed a clipboard. She took a calming breath and continued, "Why 'Ritsy-poo?'"

I gave her a slightly hooded glance. "It's retaliation for 'Emi-chan,'" I replied as we began walking towards a medical examination room. Noting her quizzical glance, I continued. "You and the commanders are the only people who know everything about my . . . 'situation,' right?"

She nodded. "Right," she said. We reached the examination room, and I hopped up on the paper covered exam table. Ritsuko turned to the small sink in one corner and quickly washed her hands. "Again, I ask, 'Why?' You've been called 'Emi-chan' by quite a few other people, I presume." She pulled an otoscope from a rack and screwed a disposable cap over its business end.

"Yes," I said, "but they aren't emphasizing it as much as you are." I sat still as she inserted the device into my ears and wrote down whatever observations she had made. "After all, they aren't teasing a man trapped in a teenage girl's body. _They're_ simply being polite to a teenage girl." I paused as she traded the otoscope for a penlight, and let a grin split my face. "Ritsy-poo."

She frowned slightly before she shone the light in my eyes to examine my retinas. "From our previous conversations, I'd come to the conclusion that you had a sense of humor. Say 'ahh,' please." I complied. She put her light away and jotted on her clipboard once again.

"My having a sense of humor," I said as she prepared a stethoscope, "doesn't mean I like people being condescending to me, _Doctor_ Ritsy-poo."

"Duly noted," the erstwhile blonde said. "Take off your shirt, please." Her frown disappeared and was replaced by a smug smirk when she saw what I was wearing underneath. "I wouldn't have figured you would wear pink lace, Emi-chan."

"Rei took my last clean plain one, okay?" I snapped testily, blushing crimson. I sat through the rest of the exam fuming silently. Ritsuko was quick and professional, but I couldn't help but shiver as she moved her hands gently around me. I ruthlessly squashed the nascent doctor fantasy and gulped a little.

"Shinji acted the same way during his first exam, you know," she said, amusement evident in her voice.

"I don't blame him," I muttered as I buttoned up my Tigers jersey and followed Ritsuko out the door. "You _are_ an attractive woman, after all." I smiled up at her as we walked down the corridors.

"Thanks for noticing," Ritsuko said, fidgeting slightly. "I appreciate the compliment, but it's disconcerting to hear it from . . . "

"A girl young enough to be your daughter?" I finished for her. I looked around a bit, and realized that I wasn't sure where we were. "So, Doc, where are we headed now?"

"Well, we're going to put you in the simulators while I take care of an exam for Asuka." She checked her clipboard and smiled at a note on it. "We just received the data necessary to sim Unit Three, and Lieutenant Ibuki's been setting up a simulator body for you."

I felt the wind go out of my sails. "So," I said in a small voice, "that means that Unit Three's arriving soon, then?"

"Yes," she said simply. "It arrives on Friday at 1500 hours, aboard the . . ." She rechecked her clipboard. "_USS Rainbow Connection_."

"Why _are_ there so many songs about rainbows, anyway?" I mused to myself in English.

"Excuse me?"

I paused before the locker room door and looked up into surprisingly expressive dark brown eyes. I shook my head gently and replied, "Don't worry about it, I was just thinking aloud about the current naming scheme the US has for its aircraft carriers."

"Yes, well," Ritsuko flustered. "Just suit up, and Maya will bring you to the simulators when you're done." With that, she turned and left.

I spent the next few hours soaking in LCL and playing with the induction mode, while Maya, and eventually, Ritsuko, played around with various technical things that were beyond my experience. Eventually, Asuka joined me in the simulators, and we ran some sorties against computer generated "Angels." After destroying Gamera and Ultraman Tiga for the fifth time, we broke for lunch.

I sat across from Asuka and watched with some longing as she tore into a double cheeseburger. Not being able to eat meat was getting to be annoying. I sighed quietly and poked around in my salad. My ruminations, both mental and culinary, were interrupted as Asuka spoke.

"You did pretty well today, Blue," she said smiling. "Not as well as myself, of course, but not bad." She rubbed absently at a bandage on her upper arm.

"Give me a couple weeks with Unit Three," I said, "and I'll catch up. So, what's with the bandage?"

"Hm? This?" Asuka frowned. "Doctor Frankenstein pulled a Dracula impression. She said she needed a blood sample." She shuddered. "That wasn't a needle; that was a tunnel borer."

"Man, that must have been rough," I murmured in sympathy. "So how was today's sim session compared to what we usually do?"

"It was kind of weird, actually," Asuka said with a thoughtful look on her face. "My interface kept cycling through different languages at random. Why do we even _have_ interface programs in Latin and Hebrew, anyway?" 

I was about to suggest that maybe another Child might speak them when Doctor Akagi walked up to our table. "I hate to interrupt your lunch, Emi," she said, placing her hand on my shoulder, "but I need you for some more tests." She smiled over at my companion. "We're all done with you today, Asuka, I'll call Misato to take you home." The redhead grunted in assent as she finished up her meal, and Ritsuko led me towards one of the many elevators.

We traveled in an awkward silence. Ritsuko read a thick stack of printouts, and I walked beside her trying to come up with something to say. Finally, I just started to hum "Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel" under my breath.

After I cycled through "Angel Eyes," "Earth Angel," and "You're an Angel," we arrived in familiar territory: the bizarre double-helix elevator that led to, among other things, the Dummy Plug System. I watched passively as the bands of light surrounding the elevator platform flashed by in an almost hypnotic pattern. Finally, I decided that I'd had enough.

"So, Doc," I began, "what are we going to do in the Reiquarium today?"

Ritsuko turned her head towards me and raised an eyebrow. "Reiquarium?"

"You know, the big tank full of LCL and my little sisters?"

"Well, that's an interesting way of putting it." She frowned down at her clipboard and looked at me levelly. "We're going to see if we can separate you from the main Dummy Plug System and create an . . . 'Emiquarium,' if you will."

I stopped suddenly as Ritsuko continued down the hallway. "What?" I asked in disbelief. I took a few breaths and hurried to catch up with her. "Why would you need another Dummy Plug system? Isn't the main one enough?"

"The Commander's orders," she snapped.

I groaned. "Oh, _great_, the Bastard King shoehorns me into his scenario again. What, killing me _once_ isn't enough for him?" Ritsuko glared at me for a moment, and then swiped a security card though a reader and brought me down another corridor.

Soon, we arrived at a smaller version of the Reiquarium. A single, naked Rei clone floated limply in a tank that looked like it could hold five or six, and a tube that reached from the floor to a large, brain-like mass of electronics dominated the center of the room.

All business, Ritsuko strode to a terminal and opened the tube. She quickly made it apparent that I was to strip and enter the tube. I sighed and complied, but not before making a parting shot.

"Doc," I said before the tube closed and filled with LCL. "Please make sure Gendo doesn't watch me when we do this sort of thing, okay?" I smiled softly as I heard her assent. The LCL covered my head, and I noticed a slight medicinal tinge to its aroma before I lost consciousness.

I regained awareness as a distant floating sensation dissipated into a new scene. I was sitting on vinyl, and a slight vibration made its way up my spine. My blurred vision began to coalesce as I realized I was wearing my glasses. I blinked and discovered that I was on a shuttle-type bus. I also had company.

I smiled at the two children in front of me. A little boy wearing clothes reminiscent of the early eighties and a battered Red Sox cap sat holding the hand of a blue-haired little girl in an adorable pink dress. The boy's head was down and his eyes were hidden beneath the bill of his cap, while the girl's crimson gaze was unwavering. I immediately decided to call the boy "Mini-Me" and the girl "Chibi-Rei." I looked down at myself, and found that I had returned to my original, male state.

Chibi-Rei spoke first. "I am you," she said, and indicated Mini-Me, "as he is also you."

I nodded and replied, "Of course. He is my inner child, or the 'me' that is perceived by me, and you are my Anima, or the feminine parts of my personality."

"Untrue," Mini-Me replied. "She is also the 'you' that is perceived by you. Like it or not, our shell of flesh shapes our perceptions."

A flash of memory, and I found myself standing before Doctor Naoko Akagi near Central Dogma. I was about to fulfill the orders the Commander had given me.

"What are you doing here, Rei?" she asked gently. 

"I am lost," I replied in the monotone that the Commander liked.

"Oh, I see." She punched a few keys on the terminals and the MAGI went into standby. "Well," she said, standing up and reaching a hand down to me, "do you want to come with me, then?" I wanted to respond to her kindness, but the Commander had told me to be cruel.

"It is all right," I said. "I can manage."

"But you can't go back by yourself, can you?" By now, she was kneeling in front of me and looking me in the eye with concern.

"It is none of your business," I said with venom dripping from every word. "Old hag."

"What?" she gasped in shock.

"I can get back by myself," I stated. "Leave me alone. Old hag."

Naoko's left eyebrow began to twitch. "You shouldn't call people 'Old Hag.'"

"But aren't you an old hag?" I asked with false innocence. The Commander had been adamant. I was to keep calling her "Old Hag" until he said otherwise.

"You're making me angry, Rei," she gritted from between her teeth. "I'll have to tell Commander Ikari to scold you."

"But that's what the Commander calls you." I said calmly. "'The old hag is useless.'" Naoko gasped in shock and began to get visibly angrier as I continued. "'The old hag is stubborn. The old hag is becoming bothersome. The old hag is in my way. The old hag has outlived her usefulness.' This is what the Commander says about you."

"Why, you . . . " she seethed, reached out her slender, graceful, and surprisingly strong hands around my neck, and squeezed. I heard a _crack_, and everything went black.

Back on the bus, I raised my head from my hands and looked in shock at my traveling companions. "Th-that wasn't one of _my_ memories!"

"And yet, you remember it, do you not?" Chibi-Rei asked.

"You are not only shaped by your experiences," Mini-Me stated. "You are pulled around by your senses and the biochemical stew in your body. Nature versus nurture."

"In our case," Chibi-Rei continued, "you are not just shaped by the experiences you call your own, but also those belonging to Ayanami Rei before our awakening in the Reiquarium." She shimmered briefly, and her clothes had changed to a feminine equivalent of Mini-Me's.

A new voice interrupted before Mini-Me could comment. "They do go on, don't they?"

I turned to face the newcomer. He was an older man with a careworn appearance. A kindly smile graced a face that was etched with years of suffering and joy. However, the main things that drew my attention were the halo and wings sticking out of his rumpled, 1940's era suit. I blinked a bit, and smiled myself in recognition.

"Hello, Clarence," I said gently. "Congratulations on the Bailey case."

"Thank you," he replied and sat down next to me. "I suppose you'd like to know why I'm here?"

"Well, yes," I said, raising an eyebrow. "I doubt you're here to show me that it's a wonderful life, since I wasn't actively suicidal or anything."

"No, I've come to take you somewhere," he said and pointed to my companions. "Now why don't you pull yourself together? This sort of Freudo-Jungian stuff is more suited to that poor Ikari kid."

Somehow knowing what to do, I walked across the aisle and took my personality fragments into a hug. There was a flash of light, and suddenly I was in female guise once more.

Clarence reached out a hand to me. "Are you ready, Gabriel?" he asked. I nodded, and the scene shifted again. I looked around the familiar featureless plain and spotted two figures standing nearby. One was a pale girl dressed all in black and silver. The other was . . .

"Dad!" I exclaimed and rushed over to him. I threw my arms around him in a hug. "Oh, God! I've missed you so much!" I was so glad to see him that I'd forgotten about my change in appearance. The girl looked at me sadly and fingered a sliver ankh as my father pushed me back to get a better look.

"Son?" he asked in confusion. "Is that you?"

I blushed furiously. "Um, yeah. It's a long story, Dad."

_:: I hate to rush a family scene like this, ::_ the girl "said," _:: but we really must be going, Mister G. ::_

"Right," he said sadly. "Son, I want you to remember that I love you, no matter what happens. When you find your mother, remember that she loves you, too. I - I have to go." Tears filled both of our eyes, and he walked over to the girl. "I'm ready."

_:: Okay, one appointment with Saint Peter, coming up! ::_ She winked at me. _:: See you soon, Gabriel. ::_

Sudden understanding flooded me. I raised my hand and waved at them. "Goodbye, Dad. I love you! Goodbye, Azrael. I hope I don't have to fight you." They disappeared up a pearly escalator, and I turned towards Clarence. "What now?" I asked.

"Now," he said, fidgeting slightly, "I bring you back." With that everything went black yet again.

I muzzily opened my eyes and found myself floating in the LCL tube. A slight pulling sensation brought my feet into contact with the floor, and the LCL drained out. I shakily stepped out and was shocked at what I saw.

Gendo Ikari stood there, cleaning a pistol over a rapidly cooling body. The nude teenager's red eyes had glazed over and her blue hair was matted in the pool of blood spreading from the back of her head. The small entrance wound in her forehead belied the gore spattered behind her.

Gendo gave me a cold, reptilian glare and turned to a shaken Ritsuko Akagi. "The secondary Dummy Plug system is a provisional success. Good work." With that, he turned sharply on his heel and walked out the door.

The day had been too much for me, so I fainted.

***Author's notes***

Wow. This took me a while to write, but it's worth it. At least I think so. I can't believe how hard it was to find reference for the Naoko Akagi scene. Also, this "Half-chapter" is longer than I expected, so the segment "Love Stinks" will appear next time. Thanks for your patience, my fans. I hope it won't take quite so long next time, but one never knows what Real Life will throw at one...

Edit: oops. Had Asuka calling Emi "Red." *blush*


	9. Different Viewpoints  Misato : Love Stin

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 9: Different Viewpoints: Misato / Love Stinks

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAiNAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 25OCT2003; Current Version, 08DEC2003

**__**

Different Viewpoints: Misato

"Geez!" Misato snorted in disgust at the Section Two agents manhandling their precious cargo. "Be more careful with her, you dopes!" She smirked to herself in satisfaction as the two lugs set Emi gently into the passenger seat of her Renault Alpine. The smirk was quickly replaced with a concerned frown as she remembered the call from Ritsuko that had brought her back to the geofront after bringing Asuka home. She still wasn't satisfied with the explanation her old friend had given her for not putting the blue-haired teenager in the infirmary until she had recovered.

"Trying to save money, my ass!" NERV's Tactical Operations Director muttered under her breath. Apparently, because there was nothing medically wrong with the Fourth Child, the Commander had denied the use of one of the infirmary's beds for her. Therefore, it was up to Misato to bring Emi home. She smiled down at her sleeping passenger and started her car. With more care than usual, she pulled out of her parking space and began the drive back to her apartment building.

As she stopped at the security gate outside the geofront, she glanced at Emi and hissed in shock. The change in light from inside to outside had uncovered several bruises. A single round bruise sat in the middle of her forehead, and there appeared to be massive fingerprints around her throat.

"What the hell kind of tests was Ritsuko running today?" Misato whispered. Troubled, she obeyed all the traffic laws she usually ignored as a matter of course. She was incensed at the possibility that the good doctor was torturing Emi. She hadn't known Rei's sister for very long, but she thought she had a good idea of what to expect from her. Her parties weren't just an excuse to drink beer and tease Shinji, but an opportunity to get to know her charges and coworkers.

Emi was perhaps as much of an enigma as Rei was, but in a different way. She seemed to be a tomboy wise beyond her years, but where a typical tomboy was more physical, she almost seemed to be uncomfortable in her own body. She had a quirky sense of humor, yet the first time Misato had seen her, she was huddled in a ball of abject despair. Despite all of these things, she was the most "normal" of the Children. Asuka's bluster hid a vulnerable soul. Shinji needed a boost of self-esteem. Rei was . . . well, _Rei_.

Misato was most impressed with the impact the Fourth Child was having on her twin sister. Emi's presence was beginning to crack Rei's stony facade, speeding improvements that had begun during the battle with the fifth Angel. She was sure that the First Child would always be quiet, but maybe she'd at least smile more.

She pulled into her parking space near her apartment and turned off the motor. She clambered out of the car and contemplated how she was going to get Emi to the apartment she shared with Rei. As she considered calling Asuka and Shinji down to help, a voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Need some help, Katsuragi?"

'Only one person,' she thought, frowning, 'has that smug tone of voice.' She whirled to face him.

"Hello, Kaji." She thought for a moment, and then grudgingly agreed. "If you take her legs, we can carry her up to her apartment." Suiting word to deed, they made their way to the elevator. They stood in uncomfortable silence until Emi began to murmur in her sleep.

Misato didn't recognize the guttural language the Fourth Child began in, but she did recognize English and then she turned to Japanese: "And in those days the angels shall return and hurl themselves to the east upon the Parthians and Medes. They shall stir up the kings, so that a spirit of unrest shall come upon them, and they shall rouse them from their thrones, that they may break forth as lions from their lairs, and as hungry wolves among their flocks."

Kaji almost dropped Emi's legs in shock, and Misato narrowed her eyes. Distracted as she was, she missed a few sentences and struggled to keep up.

"And they shall begin to fight among themselves," Emi continued, "and their right hand shall be strong against themselves, and a man shall not know his brother." A single tear tracked from her closed right eye. "Nor a son his father or his mother, 'til there be no number of the corpses through their slaughter, and their punishment be not in vain."

When they reached the Ayanamis' apartment door, Misato struggled with the passkey she'd been given by Section Two. She quickly got the door open and they brought Emi into the room marked with the sign reading, "Reflected Beauty, Laughter, Love, and Emi." A moment's work had the Fourth Child laid gently on her futon and under her coverlet. Misato smiled softly to herself as Emi snuggled into the blanket. Signaling Kaji to silence, she led him out of the apartment and hoped to get him to talk about what Emi had said to startle him.

Had she remained, Misato would have heard Emi's next sleepy utterance: "And the Angel of Hail shall strike the Fourth a mighty blow, calling out the Archangel Gabriel. Lo, though the Lovely Village of Avalanche be struck by a mote from Bardiel's sword, it shall prosper 'neath the Helmsman's steerage. So has God willed it, so may it be. Amen."

**__**

Love Stinks

"Oh, man!" I moaned around the corner of a slice of toast as I dashed towards school. "I'm going to be _sooo_ late!" I tugged on and straightened my tie as the school gates hove into view. Putting on a final burst of speed, I cleared the gates by centimeters before they closed. "Made it!" I stopped and finished my toast, brushing the crumbs off the yellow sweater-vest I was wearing in lieu of the normal uniform: a fact which did not go unnoticed by my class representative and friend, Hikari Horaki.

"Why are you wearing the wrong uniform, Emi?" she asked sternly. I caught the slight waver of concern behind her tough "responsible martinet" facade. Nevertheless, she stood impatiently tapping her foot, waiting for me to answer.

"Well," I said, heading towards the classroom, "I was going to do laundry yesterday, but something came up at NERV." I tugged at the hem of my gray skirt. 'Still not used to wearing these things,' I thought darkly. I smiled gently. "It's a simple formula, Hikari. Five clean uniforms," I held up my hand and splayed my fingers, "minus two identical girls multiplied by three days of school," I closed my fist and held up a finger on my other hand, "equals negative one. I think Rei's got the last clean uniform, so I had to wear this one."

The class representative's face cleared. "Oh." She cast a critical eye over what I was wearing. "Is that your old school's uniform?" she asked.

"Mm-hm," I agreed. "Unfortunately, I never got to wear it to my old school before I got transferred here." It was a blatant lie, of course. I wasn't even quite sure how I had acquired it. I knew that I hadn't bought the individual parts during the shopping spree my friends had taken me on. There had just been an unnerving typewritten note on the folded uniform in my room that read: "You might need this today. -- A Friend."

"I'll let it go, just this once," she said with a wink, and then she sobered. "But seriously, Emi, please make sure you've got the proper uniform next time. It would make me look bad as Class Representative if my friends don't meet the dress code."

"Gotcha, Hikari!" I made my way to my seat and watched as Asuka berated Shinji for some minor violation of her "Rules of Non-Stooge Conduct." As entertaining (and loud) as that was, I still felt my face begin to heat when I heard the buzz of conversation around me.

"Hey! Check out Ayanami!"

"Which one?"

"Emi. Man, doesn't she look _hot _in that outfit?"

"Does she have no shame?"

"Who does she think she is, not wearing the right uniform?"

Hikari apparently started a counter-rumor, because the catty remarks began to show more sympathy than jealousy. Unfortunately, the rumors reached the guys, too. I could feel all the sympathetic gazes and could practically hear the guys thinking of how to use the information to get me on a date. I sighed and turned to Asuka who was winding down.

"Hey, Red! You done disciplining Ace there?" I asked.

"_Guten Morgen_, Blue!" she said with a grin. "What's up?" She glanced sideways at Rei in her seat. "Wonder Girl said you weren't feeling well."

"Well," I temporized, and looked at Rei, who was staring out the window, as usual. 'Why would she lie?' I thought, and then answered myself. 'Rokubungi told her to.' I sighed and turned back to Asuka. "Doctor Akagi put me through quite a tough drill after you left." I smiled wryly. "When it was done, I suppose you could say that I was dead tired."

The redhead nodded to herself. "That's right. Misato had to go pick you up, didn't she?"

"Yep," I said as I sat down and prepared for the day. Asuka followed suit, and I leaned over to her and whispered. "Look, I've got some business I need to discuss with Aida at lunch. Could you and Hikari distract the other two Stooges for me? Just have her offer Suzuhara a _bento_ or something. I'll leave how to handle Ace up to you."

A wicked smirk spread across her face as she agreed. Soon after that, the teacher entered the classroom, and we suffered through yet another hours-long lecture about Second Impact.

Lunch arrived, as it often does in a high school, with much celebration on the part of the student body. I purchased a vegetarian bento from the bored cafeteria workers and made my way through the milling throng. I smiled and nodded to my various classmates as they made a few polite noises along the way to where the Three Stooges usually hung out. Just as I neared the hill, I saw Asuka dragging Shinji off as Hikari shyly approached Touji.

I looked for my target, but couldn't quite spot Kensuke. I did, however see Rei sitting on her accustomed bench and reading what appeared to be a psychology textbook. She looked up at me suddenly, and I could feel her gaze boring into me across the schoolyard. She nodded sharply once and returned to her book, a tiny, almost invisible smile on her lips. I smiled fondly myself and resumed scanning.

"Target acquired," I said softly as I spotted Kensuke, camera in hand. He was walking away from a group of boys and looking in confusion at the empty spot where Touji and Shinji should have been. I squared my shoulders and took a deep breath. "Here we go."

I quietly crept up on the unsuspecting military otaku with an uncanny grace born of a combination of good genes, fragmentary memories of Rei's training, and the simple fact that I had always been good at sneaking up on easily distracted targets, even when I had been in my original body. Absolutely certain he didn't know I was there, I touched his shoulder and spoke: "Aida."

His shriek was as rewarding as I thought it would be and he whirled to face me, clutching at his chest. It took him a few seconds to calm down enough to speak, and I could hear the gears turning in his head. His confusion turned into a tentatively hopeful grin. I felt a slight thrill down my spine, as though I'd achieved something I needed to do. I was sure it was something I'd done, and not anything relating to Kensuke.

"Ayanami?" he asked incredulously and blinked a few times. A slightly careful look crossed his features. "What can I do for you?"

I knew that look. I'd worn it a few times myself whenever an attractive girl had asked for my help on her homework. It was universal to geeks and weirdoes across the sidereal universe. I combined the hope that an attractive girl might actually care and the fear that she was going to utterly destroy someone's hopes and dreams. It even hurt a little, because I _was_ going to destroy at least one of them. There was no way I was going to date any guy if I could help it. I noticed that Kensuke was beginning to get nervous, so I decided to relieve a bit of tension and smiled a bit.

"Well, the first thing you can do," I said, "is dispense with formality and call me Emi. I keep looking over my shoulder and expect to see my sister when people call me 'Ayanami.'" I held up my bento. "The second thing you can do is give me some company for lunch. We have _things_ to discuss." The thrill was back with a vengeance as Kensuke broke into a gleaming smile that practically bisected his face.

"Sure, Emi!" He plopped down under the tree and patted the ground beside him. He frowned slightly as I sat across from him at a bit of a distance and opened my bento.

"First things first, Kensuke," I said before. I popped a carrot roll into my mouth with a pair of cheap chopsticks. I chewed, swallowed, and then continued. "Your note was the best written of all the love notes I've received since I got here. Not only was it well-written, but the calligraphy was magnificent, and your poetry seems to be original." With each point, Kensuke beamed with pride. "However . . ." Kensuke winced. He was obviously well acquainted with the word. "However, I am not interested in a romantic relationship with _anyone_ at the moment. If I were, my tastes are a little . . . different. I did think you deserved a little better than the other guys got."

He looked at me with pain-filled eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Well, for one thing," I said, "I'm telling you this face-to-face instead of just dumping your note in the trash." He turned thoughtful. "Or turning it over to Asuka for retribution." I said with a grin. He chuckled at that. Feeling a little better about what I was doing, I barreled on. "Besides, I'm giving you a chance to be one of my friends. I mean, any friend of Shinji's gotta be good people, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," he said.

"Of course I am. Tell you what, as a peace offering, I'll tell you something I think you'd like to know." He leaned forward with interest. "Now this is probably classified to high heaven, so you didn't hear this from me: Unit Three arrives on Friday."

A hint of military fandom gleamed in his eyes. He stood quickly and shouted in glee. "Friday? IT'S A DATE!"

A sense of dread overtook me. I slowly turned around and saw Asuka, Hikari, Touji and Shinji, along with several of our classmates who had heard the outburst, staring at us in shock.

I put my head in my hands and groaned in English, "Why me?"

*********************

Author's Notes:

Well, the holidays really put a crimp in my writing. This woulda been finished much sooner if I hadn't had to deal with all the various problems a retail clerk has around the holidays. Meh.

Thanks again for all the nice reviews, it helps immensely, and keeps my creative juices flowing, however slowly.

Next time on _I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug_: Waiting for My Ship to Come In


	10. Waiting for My Ship to Come In

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 10: Waiting for My Ship to Come In

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAiNAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 21DEC2003; Current Version, 02FEB2004

**__**

Waiting for My Ship to Come In, Part One

'Friday, October 9th, 2015. A date,' I thought to myself, 'which will live in infamy.' Although it was still only Monday, the so-called "date" was looming large in my mind. Somehow, despite my attempts at damage control, the rumors about the events at lunch were spiraling out of control. Worse, Hikari was _enthused_ about the whole thing.

"I can't believe that you were so bold, Emi!" the class representative said, her eyes gleaming with excitement as we walked away from the school. "I could never ask a boy out, just like that!" She almost seemed jealous.

A snort from the other member of our trio indicated that she wasn't jealous in the least. "I don't know why you asked that stooge out, Blue," Asuka said. Her tone implied that I'd asked one of the Angels to dinner.

I sighed and put my head in my hands. I had long since stopped denying that I had asked Kensuke on a date. No matter how vehement or truthful my assertions were, neither my friends nor my classmates would believe them. Suddenly, a wicked idea slithered its way to the front of my consciousness. A sly grin began to creep across my face as I lifted my head. I had a plan to minimize the damage. I straightened up and wrapped an arm across Asuka's shoulders.

"Well, Red," I purred. 'It's amazing what just a few minutes practicing voices can do for you,' I thought during the pause. "I needed to be able to keep an eye on you when Ace asks you out later." Her shocked expression foretold an explosion, so I put a finger to her lips and leaned in and whispered in her ear. "If I've gotta suffer through a mercy date due to some incredible social engineering, then I'm gonna need some moral support, _nicht wahr?_"

I could see her beginning to comprehend just what had happened. I let her go and turned to see Hikari's face. If she was enthused before, then she was positively glowing now. She held her fists below her jaw and jumped up and down in joy like a spastic spaniel.

"Oh, Asuka!" the class representative squealed. "I'm so happy for you! The other girls in our class will be so _jealous_!" Asuka's eyes bugged out in incomprehension.

"You know, Hikari," I said dryly as Asuka spluttered. "You could ask Suzuhara to join us as a triple date." The brunette stopped suddenly and blushed a brighter red than either Asuka's hair or my eyes.

She looked down and began playing with her fingers. "I couldn't possibly . . ." she said hesitantly and smiled gently. "Well, it might be nice . . ." We walked along, Asuka muttering darkly, until Hikari spoke up. "Hey, guys, Kodama's got a new game for her Famicom. Do you want to come over and check it out?"

Asuka's eyes lit up. "Sure! Anything to keep away from the stooge for a little while," she replied. "How about you, Blue?"

I considered it for a moment, until I caught sight of a girl wearing a uniform identical to mine. She seemed hauntingly familiar. "I'd normally jump at the chance," I said, "but I think I see someone I haven't seen in a while."

Disappointment flickered across Hikari's face for a moment, and she looked at me over her shoulder as Asuka led her away. I smiled broadly and shouted, "Have fun, you guys! I'll see you tomorrow, Hikari!" I watched them as they rounded the corner. Certain they were out of sight, I made my way over to the café table where the mysterious girl sat reading a thick hardcover book.

I took a long, appreciative look at her. She was a slender girl of about my apparent age with long black hair that was so glossy that it resembled a raven's wings. Her soft brown eyes flicked back and forth behind round, wire-rimmed glasses as she read. Her features were delicate and bordered on the average side of classical Japanese beauty. A small mole near the left corner of her mouth drew attention to her serene smile. It took me a moment to finally recognize her. I groaned inwardly as I realized that all I really knew about her was her name and the fact that she was supposed to be the Angel of Illusion. 

I stepped a little closer to her table and cleared my throat. "Excuse me?" I said softly.

"Yes?" she replied in a voice like, well, an angel. She scrutinized me carefully as she placed a bookmark and closed her book, gently setting it down. "Can I help you?"

"Would you happen to be Mayumi Yamagishi?" I asked.

"Yes, I am," she said, smiling up at me, "at least for the moment." She waved at a chair beside her. "Please, have a seat, Gabriel."

I warily took a seat across from her. Her sunny, serene smile seemed to take on a sly, devilish cast. She was still wearing exactly the same clothes, but now her body language had suddenly changed so that they looked much more skimpy. Where before I had seen a sweet girl that stirred up tender, protective feelings deep inside me, I now saw a temptress. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

She languorously opened her book and spun it around to face me. I looked down at it and recognized passages of scripture in Hebrew. What was worse, I could read it. It appeared to be some of the prophecies from the Old Testament. I was a little disturbed.

"H-how?" I stammered.

Mayumi gave a throaty chuckle. "Gabe, Gabe, Gabe," she said shaking her head with each word. "You always were good with languages. Guess it comes from smiting the Tower of Babel for your boss."

My heart sank as I realized that this was _not_ Mayumi. In fact, a little bit of terror was gibbering in the back of my mind. Strangely, a sliver of rage also accompanied it.

"What?" she asked, looking at me in mock concern. "No glib reply? You're slipping . . . or is it that you've got a mortal's soul tangled in your essence?" She leaned across the table, and I couldn't help noticing that the collar of her shirt had come undone, and I could see the top of her cleavage. "Hiya, Logie-kins, like what you see?" Her voice shifted to a teasing, sexy contralto. "We could make beautiful music together." She sidled around the table and began to caress my face. "Would you like to become one with Me?" Her breath was hot as she whispered in my ear. "Body and soul?" She began to stroke my back with her other hand. "It would feel . . ." She pressed herself against me and shimmied. "So . . ." She kissed me full on the mouth, lightly running her tongue across my lips, and then pulled back giving me a smoky gaze. "Wonderful."

I had broken out in a sweat. She knew exactly which buttons to press. On the one hand, I was sorely tempted. On the other, this had to be an Angel of some sort, and I had a sneaking suspicion of whom it was. "I don't . . ." I began.

"Aww," she pouted. "You're no fun." She flounced back to her chair and leaned over folded hands. "Or is it that you'd prefer someone else for a partner?" She smirked conspiratorially at me. "Like, say, that redhead? I could make her yours, you know. All I'd want in return is a little favor . . ."

Her offer firmed my resolve and confirmed my suspicion. "No." I closed the book before me and shoved it across the table to her. I got up from the table and began to walk away, my knees feeling weak.

"I could make you yourself again, with improvements," she called after me.

"Not at your price, Lucy," I said, not looking back. I cringed as I felt a blast of heat behind me.

"You damned bitch!" she shouted, her voice lowering into a _basso profundo_. "You'll cut a deal with Lilith, but not _Me_? And to top it off you _dare_ to call Me _Lucy_?"

"If you don't like it, Lucifer," I said, crossing myself, "go back to Hell."

"Why, this is Hell, nor am I out of it," she replied smugly.

"Oooh! The Prince of Lies quotes Marlowe!" I spun and faced her. "This has nothing to do with you." :: BEGONE! :: Much to my surprise, she disappeared in a cloud of sulfurous smoke. Although she had disappeared from sight, I could still hear the diabolical voice on the wind.

"Oh, this has everything to do with Me," she gloated as her voice began to fade. "Wake up, Ayanami!" The last phrase echoed strangely. "I'll see you again! Wake up, Ayanami!" Again, the last three words echoed, and darkness crept across my vision. 

"Ayanami. Ayanami. Ayanami . . ."

**__**

Waiting for My Ship to Come In, Part Two

"Ayanami," a concerned voice said, "are you all right? Please, wake up!"

I opened my eyes and discovered that I was flat on my back. A quick glance around told me that I was just a little past where Hikari and Asuka had turned off. It also let me see the concerned expression on Shinji Ikari's face.

"Are you all right, Ayanami?" he repeated.

I did a quick self-inventory and discovered that I didn't hurt anywhere. "I think so," I replied sitting up.

"I'm glad," he said, relief etched on his face. He quickly stood up and offered me his hand. I took it, and he pulled me to my feet. "What happened? You just collapsed after Asuka and the class rep left."

"I'm not sure, Ace," I said. I was a little worried about what I had just seen. Was it a vision, or was it merely a form of narcolepsy? "I guess the tests Doctor Akagi put me through yesterday wore me out more than I thought."

"Oh," he said, bending over. He straightened and handed me my school satchel.

"Thanks!" I said, smiling. I noticed that Shinji was being affected by the not inconsiderable charm inherent in an Ayanami smile, so I turned it down a bit. It was now good-natured and not radiant. I thought. "Would you mind walking with me back to our apartment building in case I have another . . . episode?"

He shyly nodded, and we began our trek. We traveled in companionable silence for a good portion of the way, although I did notice that Shinji was giving me some odd looks. There were the expected quick glances at my bust line and derriere which I pretended not to notice, and the thoughtful gazes that indicated that he had something on his mind. When we were about a block and a half away from the apartment building he spoke up.

"It's kind of hard to believe that you and Rei are sisters," he said, shifting his book bag from one hand to another. "I mean, you _are_ identical twins and all, but you're such different people."

"Well," I said gently. "It's probably because I was raised by people who loved me, where Rei has been . . ." I struggled to find the right word. " . . . A commodity all her life. She was raised by your father, you know." I noticed his darkening expression. "No offense."

"No," he said, a hangdog expression on his face, "that's all right. Sometimes I think father doesn't care about anything at all." We reached the apartment building and waited for the elevator. He cleared his throat. "Ayanami . . ."

"Yes?" I replied. "And call me 'Emi.' It'll keep your head from exploding if Rei and I are in the same room."

"All right, Emi, then." He chuckled softly. "Why did you ask Kensuke out on a date?" He lowered his head and continued. "Not that it's any of my business . . ."

"Because," I said with a grin, "if I'd asked you, Asuka would've had my spleen for dinner." I noticed the shocked look on his face. "Geez, Shinji! I'm joking." I schooled my features into a more serious mien. "She would have eaten my heart, instead."

I was still laughing when the elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. Finally getting myself under control, I continued the conversation.

"Seriously, Shinji," I said. "I didn't ask him on a date. Everyone assumes I did because of how he responded to an invitation to see Unit Three when it arrives on Friday."

"Unit Three?" he asked.

"Well, _yeah_," I snorted in an Asuka impression. "You don't expect the great Emi Arizona Ayanami to ride shotgun in someone else's EVA against _all_ the Angels, do you?" I noticed how much Shinji was cringing and stopped it. 'Or is he holding in laughter?' I wondered. "Actually, I was going to invite you and Asuka along as well, but since this has turned into a date against my will, I thought you might do something different."

"Like what?" he asked, recovering from his cringe and eyeing me warily.

"Ask Asuka out and make it a 'double date,'" I said as the elevator reached our floor. The doors opened and I strode out, leaving Shinji behind, until the doors almost closed on him and he dashed to catch up with me.

"Are you crazy?" he asked in disbelief. "She doesn't like me. If I tried to ask her out . . ."

I sighed and turned to face him. "Look, Ace," I said evenly. "The worst that can happen is that she'll say 'no,' which I doubt." I noticed his confused look and continued. "The reason I doubt she'll say 'no' is because I've heard about a certain volcanic rescue." I set my hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye. "I think that if you have the courage to ask her out without dancing around the issue, she'll be more likely to say 'yes.'"

He looked back at me for a moment, and I could see resolve building in his eyes. He nodded sharply, once. "Thanks, Emi," he said. "I . . . I'll give it a try."

"That's the spirit, Ace," I said and winked at him. "You have until Wednesday to ask her out, though."

"Why?"

"Well, she's gotta have time to buy her outfit, of course!" With that, I ducked into my apartment and shut the door behind me. "Mission accomplished."

***********Author's Notes ***********

Whew! That one took a long time! Writer's block combined with time shortages brought about by the various holidays and two console RPG's contributed to that.

Anyway . . . I hope to have my next chapter out by either Leap Year (doubtful) or Saint Patrick's Day (more likely). As usual, a big "thank you" to you, my loyal readers, and specifically Robert M. Schroeck's "Drunkard's Walk" series ( ) for finally getting me out of my writer's block "blahs."

Coming up: Preparations and a date with disaster. Also, Kensuke gets a severe case of "Mecha Envy." Plus more fan service! Next time on _I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug: _My Ship's Come in, and It's the _Titanic._


	11. My Ship    : Different Viewpoints Ritsuk

**__**

I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug

Part 11: My Ship's Come In and It's the _Titanic_/ Different Viewpoints: Ritsuko

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

*** Disclaimer***

__

Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAiNAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 08FEB2004; Current Version, 13APR2004

**__**

My Ship's Come In And It's the Titanic, _Part One_

On Wednesday morning, after an uneventful Tuesday, I walked with Rei to the geofront. We breezed through the security screening and got into the elevator to Terminal Dogma. As usual, Rei was being the vivacious chatterbox that all the fanboys loved.

" . . ." she said.

Admittedly, ours was a relationship based on quiet moments together, but this was ridiculous. Nevertheless, it was enjoyable in its own way. My own siblings back in "reality" had been much more raucous. It was nice to have family time that didn't involve a shouting match or a merry chase around the house that devolved into Wrestlemania XXXI. I smiled to myself at the memory. 

Then, I winced. I was feeling nervous about whatever tests Ritsuko wanted to run today, and my insides were being attacked by carnivorous butterflies. It was disconcerting to know that something traumatic had happened each time I'd been in the geofront before: my arrival, medical examinations, an Angel attack, and even Gendo killing me. I stopped suddenly.

I was dimly aware of Rei turning to look at me as recollection struck. I felt indignation as I stepped out of the tube to see Gendo's reptilian gaze. I must have shouted something at him, because he grimaced, pulled the gun and leveled it at me. I turned slightly as Ritsuko gasped in shock and then immediately returned my attention to that bastard, Rokubungi. The grimace had been replaced by a smirk and a flash of rapidly combusting nitrocellulose. Soon, my vision was filled with a small, spinning projectile that got larger and larger . . .

. . . And then I woke up in the tube and saw my own cooling corpse when they let me out. 'Y'know,' I thought, 'that sort of thing just ruins my day.' I shook my head and smiled ruefully. 'What a time for a vivid flashback.' I grimaced as a particularly vicious butterfly turned into a full-blown cramp.

"Oh, Hell," I said with sickened comprehension. The vaguely unsettled feeling in my gut wasn't due to nervousness.

"What is wrong, Emi?" Rei asked. I looked at her and smiled weakly when I saw the slight concern in her eyes.

"Nothing's exactly _wrong_, Sis," I said gently, putting my hand on her shoulder as we approached Doctor Akagi. "I'll tell you all about it later, okay?" My twin nodded once and stepped into the small locker room we used to "change" for Dummy Plug synchronization. I walked over to where Ritsuko was scrutinizing her clipboard.

"Good morning, Doc," I said with a slight waver as another cramp hit. "Do you have a minute?"

"Good morning," she responded, "and yes, I do." She tilted her head slightly. "What can I do for you . . ." Her eyes twinkled in amusement. " . . . Emi-_chan_?"

I fought down my irritation at the honorific. "I need some . . ." My cheeks heated as I searched for an appropriate euphemism. " . . . _Hygiene_ supplies after we're done today." I shifted uncomfortably as the good doctor digested that information. "Will that be a problem?"

"No," she said, distracted. I found myself disturbed by the look of surprise warring with amusement on her face.

'That doesn't bode well,' I thought as a naked Rei stepped out of the locker room. I found my breath caught in my throat. Despite being physically identical to her and considering her a sister, I still found myself appreciating her beauty. I had to look away quickly, a feeling of shame filling me as I went into the locker room and prepared myself for my own Dummy Plug synchronization.

Whatever awkwardness and discomfort I was feeling dissipated when I was floating in the tube of LCL. In fact, I was surprisingly relaxed and felt almost normal. Grasping the sense of peace, I settled down and just let my mind wander into a sort of Zen trance. No angelic dreams, apocalyptic worries or biological discomforts plagued me.

As all good things do, my blissful state of no-mind eventually came to an end. I left the tube and made my way to the locker room. Ritsuko came in with my supplies after I finished showering to remove the lingering LCL. She gave me refresher instructions on their proper use, smiling all the while at my embarrassment.

"You wouldn't be enjoying this as much," I muttered darkly, "if I'd been born a girl in the first place." I tugged on my jeans and pulled a tee shirt over my head.

"True," the ersatz blonde replied. Her amused smirk widened into a grin as she thought of something. "However, I _can_ give you some advice on how to relieve the cramps."

"Really?"

"Mm-hm." Her eyes glinted mischievously as she leaned over and shared a piece of folksy wisdom that left me blushing the color of Unit Two. I quickly made my way out to where Rei was waiting for me. Ritsuko's laughter echoed down the hall.

**__**

Different Viewpoints: Ritsuko

Ritsuko Akagi got herself back under control. She'd needed the laughter, and "Emi-_chan_" was even more fun to tease than Misato. The best part was that the advice she'd given was true. Emi _would_ feel better if she undertook the "self-explorations" she'd recommended.

She sobered quickly as she remembered the reason for the advice. Emi was undergoing menarche. That should have been impossible. Both she and Rei were supposed to be sterile. 

Frowning, Ritsuko walked over to the MAGI terminal in front of Emi's synchronization tube and called up the medical data from today's session. Most of the data was as expected: a steady heart rate and strong brainwaves. Strangely, the chemical sensors in the LCL filtration system had picked up the expected hormones and debris, but no blood. In fact, the LCL had been surprisingly pure for a six hour run.

"Hmm, that's funny . . ." the director of Project E mused. She sighed and entered the occurrence into the already enormous file on the enigmas that surrounded Emi Arizona Ayanami. A few minutes of work, and she finished the report for Commander Ikari's desk. He would also be pleased that the MAGI had finally cracked that bizarre encryption code on the DVD's that had been found in Terminal Dogma after Emi's arrival.

As an afterthought, she changed into her powder blue teddy and buttoned up her lab coat. Perhaps the Commander would be . . . in the mood. Smiling, she made her way to his office.

**__**

My Ship's Come In And It's the Titanic, _Part Two_

The sensation of impending doom descended on me as I walked beside Rei towards our apartment. Strangely, I also had the same thrill running up my spine that I had when I was talking to Kensuke on Monday. I finally noticed Rei's expectant gaze as it met my own.

"It is later," she stated firmly.

I shook off the feeling and told her what was going on. She listened intently. Strangely, she seemed sympathetic, but underneath it there was . . . jealousy?

"Rei," I said gently, with some disbelief, "it's not _that _great to go through it, but you should know that, shouldn't you?"

"I do not." She looked away from me. "Doctor Akagi has told me that I will never go through menarche."

My jaw dropped in shock. "But . . ." I swallowed nervously. "But we're supposed to be identical."

"Apparently," she said, "we are not." I held in a gasp as I noticed a shimmering of tears in her eyes. I quickly succumbed to my fraternal instincts and caught her in a hug, trying to comfort her.

"It's all right, Rei," I soothed. It seemed to work, as her tears were never shed. She quickly recomposed herself and stepped away.

"Thank you, Emi." She then resumed walking towards our apartment, as though nothing had happened. Somehow, I had a feeling that the subject would be brought up again.

'I hope I'm ready when it is,' I thought as I began to follow her. I was brought up short by a familiar voice.

"Emi!" Misato squealed, bringing me into a tight embrace. "Congratulations!" Normally, I would have enjoyed the close proximity to such a buxom woman, but I was finding it hard to breathe. I absently noted that she was babbling about the proud sisterhood of adult women as I tried to gently extricate myself.

"Doctor Akagi told you, didn't she?" I asked dryly.

"Mm-hm!" Misato's grin nearly split her face. "Now, we've got to have a party, just us girls . . ." I could practically see the beer truck arriving in her eyes.

"I'd rather not, Misato," I said, finally breaking free.

"But your first time only happens once!" A pleading look crossed her face.

My resolve wavered slightly, but I held firm. "A valid point, but no, thank you." I started towards the elevator. I took a glance over my shoulder at the NERV operations officer and shuddered at the sly cast her grin had taken. I heard an electronic chirp, and stopped to watch Misato answer her cell phone. I couldn't help it. I was curious. Also, I might have known in which order the Angels were going to attack, but I had no idea _when_.

"Captain Katsuragi," she stated. "Oh, Rit-chan! Hi! What can I do for you? Yes? Uh-huh. Okay, I'll be right over." She closed and pocketed her phone and then called to me. "Emi? Could you tell Asuka and Shinji that I got called back to work? I should be back in a couple of hours."

"Sure," I replied as cheerfully as I could in my condition. "It's on my way, anyway."

"Great! See ya!" Misato whirled and bounced off in the direction of the parking lot.

Shaking my head in amusement, I took the elevator upstairs. Upon reaching my floor, I discovered Shinji standing in front of the door to the apartment he shared with Asuka and Misato. He seemed to be staring at the number in bemused shock. He raised and lowered his hand towards the knob, as if he couldn't decide whether or not to open it.

"What's wrong, Shinji?" I asked as I drew near. He turned to face me and I could see the confused look in his eyes and the vibrant red hand mark on his cheek.

He smiled slightly and wonder filled his voice as he rubbed his cheek. "She said 'yes!'"

**__**

My Ship's Come In And It's the Titanic, _Part Three_

Thursday afternoon found me accompanying Asuka and Hikari on a shopping trip. I had tried to bring Rei along, but she was meeting the Commander for dinner. 

Like our last jaunt, we were at the Red Star Family Department Store. This time, however, I got to stay out of the dressing rooms. A simple statement that I still had clothes I hadn't worn yet had derailed Hikari's attempt to get me into another pink ruffle confection, and Asuka was deflected by the discovery of her own, untouched hazard pay account.

"How's this, Blue?" Asuka asked as she stepped out of the changing room. She swirled the knee-length skirt to an elegant ensemble, causing the tags to flutter briefly. I swallowed reflexively. She looked amazing, and I recognized the dress. The black bodice and white ruffled skirt were almost exactly the same as one of the dresses Sadamoto had used for a cover of the _Evangelion_ manga.

"You'll knock his socks off, Red," I said honestly. Hikari's entrance in one of the pink . . . _things_ cut off Asuka's reply. It was strange. If either Asuka or I had worn it, we'd have looked incredibly stupid. Hikari, on the other hand, looked devastatingly cute, almost as if it had been designed with her in mind. "That's a keeper, Hikari. Touji won't know what hit him." The brunette blushed brightly.

Despite having what I thought were perfect outfits, Asuka and Hikari spent the next few hours trying on outfits before finally settling on the ones I thought looked best. Not to say that it was boring, it was far from it. I was able to get into the conversations and joking. I might not have been up on the gossip, but I was a quick study. I was glad to get my mind off of my physical discomfort.

Once again, we sat in the ice cream parlor after the purchases were made. With half-consumed sundaes in front of us, we continued our gossip.

"So, Blue," Asuka said, gesturing at the shopping bags arrayed around our table. "You've seen what we're going to wear. What have _you_ got planned?"

"Well," I said, chasing a cherry around the bottom of my dish with my spoon, "I thought I'd wear my dress uniform."

"We have dress uniforms?" the redhead asked incredulously.

"Yep!" I replied sunnily. "I placed the order for it yesterday." I shifted uncomfortably. I had reread my orientation manual and discovered a picture of the EVA pilots' uniforms. Besides the plug suits and formal dress, we had fatigues and daily use uniforms. "We count as part of operations, so our uniforms would be similar to Misato's."

Hikari frowned. "Wouldn't the skirt be awfully short?" she asked. "I've seen what Captain Katsuragi wears, and it's not very modest." Asuka snorted in agreement.

"That's her daily wear, not her dress uniform," I replied. "Besides, she has special allowances for her position." I rummaged through my satchel and pulled out my manual. I quickly checked the security classification and grimaced. "Well, I was going to show you the uniform, but the only picture I have is right across from some classified material."

"Can't you fold the book over?" Asuka asked. "You know, not show her the classified stuff?"

I looked at Asuka with disbelief. "Red, just _how_ long have you been an EVA pilot?" I asked rhetorically as I put the booklet away. "You know how strict security is. The only way I can let Hikari see _anything_ in this book is if she either gets a job as one of our bridge bunnies or if she gets selected as the Fifth Child." I pulled out a notebook and a pencil and began sketching. "Of course, since the uniforms are considered public knowledge . . . " My pencil strokes formed sticks and circles as I roughed in a female figure.

"Bridge bunnies?" Hikari asked, confused.

"I got the term from a giant robot anime I saw once." I replied, smiling at her. "There were these girls in cute uniforms that worked on the bridge of the main starship who mainly served as exposition devices and rattled off all sorts of techno babble." I hoped my explanation would suffice, because I needed to concentrate on what I was doing.

My friends moved so they could get a better view as the sketch took shape. A static pose allowed me to display the uniform properly. As an afterthought, I roughed in a second figure so that I could show the back of it. The knee-length skirt and matching jacket put forth a professional image, which the sensible flats enhanced. I put rough hairstyles representing both Asuka and myself on the figures, and placed the service caps at the correct angle. I thought for a moment and placed in the red cuffs and collars on the jackets and then quickly hatched the uniforms to show their dark color.

"Wow!" Hikari breathed. "You draw really well, Emi! And those uniforms look nice."

"I'm not that good . . . " I demurred and cast a critical eye over my work. To my chagrin, my usual mistakes had cropped up again. Both figures' waists were too narrow, and I'd hidden their hands beneath the cuffs of the sleeves. I hoped Asuka wouldn't comment on how large I'd drawn her bust.

The redhead closely scrutinized the drawing and snorted. "I suppose it's as good a uniform design as any."

"Hey," I said defensively, "I didn't design 'em. I just drew them."

"Oh, relax, Blue!" she said dismissively. Then, an evil smirk crossed her face. "You do know that geek is going to freak out when he sees you in that, don't you?"

**__**

My Ship's Come In And It's the Titanic, _Part Four_

"Oh, wow!" Kensuke exulted. He was obviously enthralled by the perfectly tailored uniform I was wearing. The stunned looks on Shinji and Touji's faces indicated that they were likewise affected by the other girls' outfits.

We had taken the time to change into our outfits before we made our way to the docks to meet the _Rainbow Connection_. The boys, on the other hand . . .

"Idiot!" Asuka yelled as she slapped Shinji in the back of his head. "What kind of date is it when the guy doesn't dress up? You could at least have buttoned up your shirt and put on a tie or something." Meanwhile, Hikari was glaring at Touji's tracksuit. Of course, he was completely oblivious to what was wrong.

I sighed heavily. 'Was I that much of an idiot when I was a guy?' I thought. The really sad thing was that the least serious "relationship" here looked the best. Kensuke was dressed sharply in a pseudo-military outfit with his omnipresent camera firmly in hand. I snapped to attention and sketched a salute, causing his face to be obscured by his camera's viewfinder.

"You will give me a print of that picture, won't you?" I asked.

"Of course," he replied with a grin. Any further conversation between us was halted by the screech of tires as Misato's car skidded to a halt. Misato bounded out with a garment bag slung over her shoulder and approached us. Kensuke and Touji immediately turned their attention to the voluptuous Captain, who winked and shot them a peace sign. She made her way to Shinji and said something I missed because a fuming Hikari had walked over.

"Why those, those," she stammered, searching for an appropriate word, "_boys_! When I get my hands on Suzuhara . . . " She blinked and looked at me in confusion. "Why aren't you more upset, Emi? Aida is paying more attention to Captain Katsuragi than to you."

I looked at her sadly. "I tried to tell you guys that it wasn't a date, but nobody would listen to me. I heard that Kensuke liked this sort of thing and thought it would be nice to invite one of Shinji's friends along. He overreacted and the rumor mill had its way with the facts." I put a more cheerful smile on my face and continued. "So, who wound up asking who between you and Touji?"

She blushed and replied softly, "We sort of asked each other at the same time . . ." 

"See," I said gently. "He does care. He probably didn't dress up because he doesn't have any dressier clothes, or something." I took a look over at the Stooges and came up one short. "Hey, Hikari. Where'd Ace go?"

"Ace?"

"You know, Shinji?" I held my hand horizontally just slightly above my head. "About this tall, has five Angel kills?"

"The idiot's only got three solo kills, Blue," Asuka interrupted as she stormed over. Reaching us, she crossed her arms and began tapping her foot impatiently. "He'd better hurry up or we're going to be late."

I checked my watch. "We've got plenty of time, Red. We're almost there, it's only 14:30, and the _Rainbow Connection_ isn't supposed to dock until 15:00. So, where'd he go?"

"Misato brought him some clothes," she grumped. "He ducked into a bathroom to change."

"Speaking of our commanding officer . . . " I said. "Here she comes, now." I snapped to attention and saluted as she drew near.

Captain Katsuragi returned the salute. "As you were, Pilot Ayanami," she said with a grin. I immediately relaxed and returned the grin. "So," she continued, "what have you girls got planned for later?"

"Besides prying my 'date' off with a crowbar?" I quipped. 

Misato laughed gaily. "No, seriously, Emi."

"Sounds about right to me," Asuka said.

"Asuka!" Hikari chided and turned to Misato. "I think the boys are going to treat us to dinner, Captain Katsuragi."

"Jeez," Misato winced. "Call me 'Misato,' okay?"

"Um, okay, Miss Misato." Hikari seemed to draw within herself. I set my hand reassuringly on her shoulder, and she relaxed.

"Well, it's a start . . ." Misato sighed and then smiled as Shinji arrived. "And here's my little Shinji!"

"Misato!" Shinji whined, embarrassed. He had changed into the male version of the EVA pilot's dress uniform. Sadly, his bearing was a little timid for any sort of military apparel. Asuka approached him and began a minute inspection. Satisfied, she stepped back.

"You'll do, Third," she stated. "Who'd have thought you'd clean up so well?"

Since everyone was now ready, we made our way to where we were going to meet the aircraft carrier. I noticed the Section Two agents scattered about, but only because I was looking for them. I noticed with some amusement that Oeda and Kanzaki, the only agents I knew by any name, were acting undercover as street vendors. While we waited, we broke up into our date pairs and began to chat.

Hikari seemed to have gotten over her anger at Touji's fashion sense. They sat on a piling on the dock and watched the seagulls flying amidst the wreckage of old Tokyo. Occasionally, Touji would point out one gull or another, and Hikari would sight along his arm. She would realize what she was doing and jump suddenly, but eventually, she would do it all over again. It was sweet, really.

Shinji and Asuka were fun to watch, as well. Asuka did almost all of the talking, as usual. She ranted passionately and made grand gestures while her captive audience just smiled gently and took whatever she dished out with good grace. One smack to the back of Shinji's head brought a comment from my own "date."

"How could Shinji have betrayed us to the Devil?" Kensuke asked mournfully. "It's even worse that _he_ asked _her_."

"They have a lot in common," I said. "Besides EVA, I mean." I gazed out towards the mouth of the harbor and saw a whale breaching. It seemed to hang in midair for a moment, and then plunged back into the ocean in a plume of spray.

"What do you mean, Emi?"

"I can't really say," I replied. "It's not my story to tell." I shifted to a more comfortable position. I must have done something inadvertently sexy, because Kensuke's gaze was riveted on my legs. I cleared my throat and pointed at my face. "My eyes are up _here_, Aida."

He blushed and stammered an apology. I shook my head gently.

"It's all right, Kensuke," I said. "I know you can't help it. You are a guy, after all." I turned my attention back toward the harbor and caught the silhouettes of the transport fleet on the horizon. "Well, there they are." 

Kensuke immediately grafted the camera's eyepiece to his face and began filming. His conversation was now limited to exclaiming in delight at each new class of warship as they drew near enough to identify.

The flotilla was impressive, twenty vessels strong. I'd always thought the effect was a myth spread by tourists who'd spent too long overseas, but I found myself brimming with emotion as I saw the Stars and Stripes flying from various masts on at least sixteen of the ships, including the star of the show.

According to the files I'd been able to access, the USS _Rainbow Connection_ was, like the _Over the Rainbow_, a _Sinatra_-class nuclear aircraft carrier. While I couldn't care less about her displacement tonnage or the number of planes she carried, she was the grandest sight I'd ever seen as she glided into her berth. She was also the most frightening, considering her cargo.

Misato gathered her brood and led us towards the gangplank. After protocol was satisfied and my arm was sore from all the saluting, we walked across the flight deck towards the tarpaulin-covered mass of Unit Three. Hikari, Touji and Kensuke were stopped by security some distance away. As I neared it, I began to shake. 

Misato was right beside me in a heartbeat and had an arm around my shoulder. "Are you okay, Emi?" she asked.

"I'm s-sorry Misato," I stammered through my fear and tried to put on a brave face. "I'm just a little n-nervous. Stage fright, you know?"

She smiled gently. "Well, you're not on yet, you're just meeting your EVA." She turned to a Marine and said something to him. Moments later, the tarpaulin began to fall away to reveal Unit Three in all its glory.

"Man, it's ugly," Asuka opined.

"And the other EVAs are pageant winners?" I asked defensively. I might have been scared of it, but it was still my EVA.

Throttling down my fear as well as I could, I took a critical look at the multi-ton death machine. Just as I remembered it from the anime, it was black as night with white stripes on the arms. Its lines were sleek, and it gave the impression of efficient lethality even at rest. I tentatively put my hand on the armor plating on the back of its hand and felt my fear dissipate. Somehow, I knew that Bardiel, the Thirteenth Angel, hadn't yet possessed it.

I backed away when the NERV technicians arrived to begin moving it onto the massive wheeled transport. After a half hour, it was finally ready for the short drive to the geofront. Kensuke, Hikari, and Touji rejoined us, and we had an unremarkable dinner. Later, I stood in front of my door talking to Kensuke.

"So, did you have a good time?" I asked.

"You bet!" he enthused. "Thanks for inviting me along. They didn't even confiscate my camera!"

"Yeah, well," I said, "I had fun, too, but I hope you understand that this wasn't a real date for me."

Disappointment was writ large across his freckled face. "It wasn't?"

"No, this was me hanging out with my friends who happened to be on a date." I paused, letting him digest the information. "Remember when I told you that my tastes were . . . different?"

He thought for a moment. "Yeah, I seem to remember something about that. Why?"

"It's why I told you that we couldn't be anything more than friends." I opened my door and turned back to look him in the eye. "Kensuke, I'm a lesbian." His eyes widened in shock. "Please don't say anything about it to anyone at school, okay?" Seeing him nod dumbly, I stepped over the threshold. "Good night, Kensuke," I said gently as I closed the door.

***Author's notes***

Sorry for how long this took to get out, but as usual, Real Life gets in the way. I have a part time job with flexible scheduling. In other word, I have random shifts. Some weeks I work evenings, others I work mornings. Because of this, my circadian rhythms are completely fouled up . . .

Next time: Emi's first time in the entry plug of Unit Three has a few surprises, and someone important "drops in." It's _I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug_ Chapter Twelve: Back in the Saddle Again / The Sky is Falling! Plus there'll be some fan service, too!


	12. Back in the Saddle : The Sky is Falling

_**I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug**_

Part 12: Back in the Saddle Again / The Sky is Falling!

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

Disclaimer

_Neon Genesis Evangelion is © and ™ GAiNAX, et al._

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

First Version, 18APR2004; Current Version, 15NOV2004

_**Back in the Saddle Again**_

Saturday morning found me approaching Ritsuko at the geofront. She scribbled absently on her ever-present clipboard, not noticing my arrival. An evil grin found its way to my face as I snuck closer. Sadly, my plan to scare a few gray hairs onto her head was derailed by the arrival of her assistant, Lieutenant Maya Ibuki.

"Here are those reports you wanted, Sempai," the cute brunette said shyly, her gentle smile widening at Doctor Akagi's grunt of thanks. She jumped a little when she noticed me. "Oh! Good morning . . ." She paused a bit, her soft brown eyes taking in the color of my plug suit. " . . . Emi." She blushed slightly, obviously embarrassed that she'd had to guess my name.

"Good morning, Lieutenant Ibuki," I said cheerfully. 'God, she's cute!' I thought, fighting down a slight wave of desire. I turned my head towards the director of Project E, and let a mischievous smirk form on my lips. "Eh, what's up, Doc?"

The blank look she rewarded me with indicated an appalling lack of classic cartoon knowledge. "Not much, Emi-_chan_," she replied, causing me to wince, "beyond the activation test you're here for." She returned her attention to her clipboard and skimmed the reports she'd just been given. She gave a pleased nod. "These will do, Maya. Please start a Mendelev series on Unit Three. I'll be along in a minute."

The brunette acknowledged the order with a hearty "Yes, ma'am!" She turned sharply on her heel and bounced along towards the Pribnow Box, her feminine geometry evident. A throaty, alto chuckle let me know that I'd been caught looking.

"Somehow, I don't think you're her type." Ritsuko's half-lidded eyes gleamed with amusement.

"I suppose you're right," I sighed. "I'm under age, anyway. Besides, she's pining after someone else."

"Oh? Do I know the person in question?"

I felt my smile return at full force. 'This is going to be fun!' I thought. "Oh, yeah. Quite well, in fact."

"So, who is it?"

"I'm not saying!" I teased.

"Fine, keep your secrets," she said with a smile. "You must be feeling better, now that your cycle's done for the month."

"Gah," I said in a sour tone, my good mood wrecked. "Thanks for reminding me." I looked at my feet and felt a blush across my cheeks. My next words came out softly. "Oh, and that _advice_ you gave me? It worked." Taking that advice had been one of the most . . . _interesting_ experiences in my life.

"Did it, now?" she asked, smirking. She recapped her pen and began to walk down the hallway. I followed along and tried not to think about what was coming up.

It was an attempt doomed to failure. Some of the memory fragments I'd received from the Dummy Plug system told me exactly what could happen during an Evangelion activation. I began to twitch as each possible outcome flitted across my mind.

"You really should relax, Emi," Ritsuko commented as we neared the EVA cages.

"I can't help it, Doc," I said, tugging nervously at the collar of my plug suit. I really wasn't looking forward to my first activation of Unit Three. So many things could go wrong, even without the presence of Bardiel. "What if she goes berserk?"

"If that happens, we'll cut the power." She gave me a considering gaze. "Rei will also be in Unit Zero, just in case." I mulled that over as we arrived and made our way to our respective positions.

I settled myself into the entry plug and noticed the sharp scent of new vinyl. 'Ah, that new car smell,' I thought as the technicians dogged the hatch. The insertion went smoothly, and I blew a stream of bubbles in the LCL as I waited for startup. There was a brief rainbow flash, and the holographic control panel formed before me.

"Approaching Absolute Borderline," Maya stated over the comm link. I felt the slight tingle on my scalp where the A-10 clips were that indicated synchronization had begun. "Synch ratio starting at five point two three percent and rising within acceptable parameters."

I tuned out the tech's voice and turned my attention to the EVA itself. When I had synchronized with Unit Zero, I had felt a sense of resignation underlying everything. Unit Three, on the other hand, seemed to be feeling . . .

:: _Confusion. _::

'What the hell?' I thought. Unlike my experience with Matariel, the Ninth Angel, I was receiving raw emotional sensation, instead of actual words.

:: _Paralysis? Anxiety. Worry. Dread. Fear. Fear. Fearfearfearfearfear! FEAR! TERROR! _::

'It's all right,' I thought frantically at the presence within the EVA. 'Please calm down.' I was so busy trying to synch with Unit Three and calming it down, that I almost missed the frantic reports coming over the comm link.

"Synch ratio is spiking!" Maya shouted. "It's jumped by sixty percent, and is still climbing rapidly!"

'Sixty-five percent?' I thought. The EVA shuddered, lifting me from my seat, and anxiety clenched at my chest. 'Feels like I'm on a spooked horse, and, silly me, I don't know to ride very well.' As Unit Three broke the restraints, I came up with and idea and smirked to myself. 'Why not? It always worked on Mom's horses.' I reached for the controls and began to whisper soothingly. "Saa, girl. Easy." The fear began to recede as I repeated it over and over. I thought of my maternal grandmother's farm nestled on the slope of one of Vermont's Green Mountains and the herd of Morgan horses she raised grazing contentedly.

:: _Familiarity? _:: I began to feel the pressure on the EVA's armor as we sat crouched in the corner of the cage. Suddenly, I got an echo of the image I'd thought at it, accompanied by the scent of my grandmother's favorite cookies baking. :: _Family? Calm. Relief! Son? Daughter? Both! Love. **Love. **Sleep. _::

I wiped tears from my eyes and looked at my heads-up display. I noticed the rapid countdown indicating that the umbilical cable had been disconnected. I shakily put my hands on the butterfly handles and moved the EVA back to where the restraints were.

I cleared my throat and asked, "Doctor Akagi?" A slight whine entered my voice. "Can I go home now?" An awkward moment of silence followed my complaint.

"I-- I think so, Emi-_chan_," the doctor shakily replied. As she spoke, she regained confidence. "Just remember that we're having a harmonics test Saturday. Since we'll have to go over all of this data and make sure that there's been no permanent damage to Unit Three, we shouldn't need you back until then."

_**The Sky is Falling! Part 1**_

Rain fell in sheets as I returned home from school with Rei and Asuka. Our uniforms were plastered to our skin, and I was feeling too wet and miserable to appreciate the view. Besides which, I was certain that I was providing just as enjoyable a show. I looked sadly at the NERV-issued umbrella that hung uselessly from a strap on my wrist. A gust of wind had turned it inside out within minutes of its deployment.

"Are you still hung up on that thing, Blue?" Asuka asked, flipping a wet clump of hair from her face.

"I'm just a little miffed, is all," I replied. "I mean, you'd think that after a couple hundred years or so, they'd know how to make an umbrella that could stand up to a little wind." I thought for a moment, dredging up a memory. "Well, I suppose they make some here in Japan, but those bamboo things are so _heavy_."

"Back in Germany, the weather was much more pleasant," the redhead bragged.

"You can't tell me that it never rained in Germany," I said. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Rei was following our conversation. She just watched and listened quietly.

"What are you, stupid? _Of course _it rained there!" Asuka gestured vaguely at the sky. "It just never rained this hard, this often." We arrived in front of our apartments, and she sighed. "_Finally! _Now I can change out of these wet clothes!"

I smiled wryly and pulled on the front of my jumper. "I know what you mean, Red. I know what you mean." With that, Asuka disappeared through her door, and Rei and I passed through ours.

Once inside, we sat our fortunately waterproof satchels beside our squelchy shoes and I went towards the bathroom to change out of my wet clothes. A glance over my shoulder reminded me that Rei had no nudity taboos whatsoever. A blush heated my face, and I grabbed her a blue, fuzzy bathrobe from the hook behind the bathroom door. She tilted her head in curiosity.

"What is wrong, Emi?" she asked. The intensity of her gaze drew mine to meet it.

I swallowed dryly and handed her the bathrobe. "I guess that I'm being affected by my cultural upbringing, Rei. America has a bit more body modesty than Japan."

She nodded once and slung the bathrobe over her arm. "I was aware of that. I have been attempting to acclimatize you to the local culture." She walked past me and into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

I blinked, trying to digest her statement, and then realized what she'd just done. "Hey!" I exclaimed, but a smile grew across my face. If anything Rei could do was normal and sisterly, hogging the bathroom was it.

_**The Sky is Falling! Part 2**_

The soft hum of electronics served as a chant for my meditations as my fellow pilots and I underwent Harmonics testing. Actually, if it weren't for the fact that the experience could save my bacon in an Angel battle, I'd have been bored out of my mind.

"Emi-_chan_," Ritsuko said over the comm link, "please keep focused on the test. You just slipped five points."

"Yes'm," I said, embarrassed. I tried to clear my mind and feel my EVA through the muddy haze of the simulator bodies' connection. After a bit of concentration, I could feel a fraction of the slumbering presence deep within Unit Three.

"That's better," Doctor Akagi said with a smile. "Keep up the good work." She made a motion as if to cut the link, but she must have been distracted. Instead of simply winking out, the window blinked into "Sound Only" display. "Alright, let's get back to work."

"Units Zero and Two within contamination zone," a voice said. It might have been Maya's but I wasn't sure. "That's the limit."

"Units One and Three still have leeway," Ritsuko replied. "Try to increase plug depth by zero point three." Because I knew to expect it, I could feel the slight downward motion of the test plug.

"They're reaching the edge of the contamination zone."

"And they're still reading this high? That's great!" The window abruptly cut off.

I sighed and kept concentrating until the comm window reappeared.

"All tests have been completed," Ritsuko said. "Shinji-_kun_, you did well." She smiled warmly. "You, too, Emi-_chan_!"

Ever quick on the uptake, Shinji said, "Huh? What do you mean?"

"You made eight points of progress and Emi made seven," she said.

"Big deal," Asuka muttered over the comm link. "His harmonics are still fifty points lower than mine."

"Yes," Ritsuko said, "but it's an eight point gain over ten days. Also, Emi's already caught up with Rei, and this is her second harmonics test. Of course, it's the first one for which we've had access to Unit Three. Nevertheless, they've both made wonderful progress."

I fidgeted nervously in my seat as I watched Asuka's face on her comm window grow darker. Ritsuko had successfully pushed all of her buttons, and I was waiting for the explosion. The redhead's gaze flicked between what I assumed were two windows. 'Here she goes,' I thought.

"It's not wonderful!" she said. "All right, _maybe_ it's good that Blue will give me competent backup for a change."

"Um, Asuka?" Shinji nervously asked. "Does it really . . . ?"

"Shut up!" she snapped. "Don't let all this praise give you a swelled head, _Dummkopf_!" She continued in a more even tone. "I'm going home first."

Asuka approached me after I showered and changed back into my street clothes. She seemed a little agitated. "Hey, Blue, did you know that Misato got a promotion?"

"No, I . . .," I said and then froze. Misato's promotion meant that an Angel was coming soon. "No, I didn't." I smiled weakly. "But I guess that's good for her, right?"

Preoccupied as she was, she didn't notice my little slip. "Anyway," she continued, "we're throwing her a party and I figured you Wonder Twins might like to be there."

I thought about it for a moment. "Okay, we'll be there, even if I have to drag Rei kicking and screaming."

Asuka gave a smile that even Rei could have told was fake. "Great. Hikari will give you the details tomorrow. _Tschüss_!"

"_Bis bald_!" I replied and watched her leave. 'I wonder what's wrong with her?' I thought. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Rei spoke behind me.

"I don't think you will have to drag me," she said evenly. She moved beside me, and we began to walk home. "However, were you not going, I doubt I would. I . . . dislike large social gatherings."

I put my arm around her shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze. "It's all right, Sis. I think we'll manage. Besides, I'll bring my party mix of classical music." I looked at her with mock seriousness. "No one can resist dancing to Pachelbel's _Canon_."

_**The Sky is Falling! Part 3**_

The party was well underway when Rei and I arrived. Touji and Kensuke were making fools of themselves, Asuka and Hikari were sharing a private joke, and Misato was talking to Shinji. Rei followed me over towards the guest of honor and stood uncomfortably beside me as I presented the newly minted Major with a brightly wrapped gift.

"Congratulations, Major," I said with a smile on my face.

"Thank you both, Emi, Rei," Misato replied and returned my smile as she accepted the gift and set it beside a few other gifts she had received. I struggled against my disappointment. Although I knew gift etiquette was different in Japan, I still wanted to see her face when she saw the framed sketch of her and Pen-Pen I'd drawn.

Composing myself, I turned away and noticed that Rei had left my side. I glanced around the room and found her sitting off to one side of the room, away from everyone else. She gazed intently, her vantage point allowing her to see everyone without turning her head. Knowing what to look for, I noticed that she was observing with interest, rather than her normal dispassionate calm.

I smiled to myself and walked over towards Hikari and Asuka. "Hey, guys!" I called in greeting.

"Emi!" Hikari squealed, smiling. "I'm so glad you came! And you brought your sister!" She looked over at Rei. "I've been worried about her ever since I've known her. It's good to see that you've been a good influence. Isn't that right, Asuka?"

The redhead was obviously less than impressed. "Big deal, so the Yankee brought the Doll to a party," she muttered.

Being from New England, I'd never heard "Yankee" said with such venom, not even from rabid Red Sox fans like myself. For a moment, I wondered what I'd done to make her so mad. Then, it hit me. I sighed in exasperation.

"What did I do in my EVA that you haven't, Red?" I asked gently.

"What? You couldn't possibly have done anything the great Asuka Langley Sohryu hasn't in an EVA!" She was building up a good head of steam.

"Hikari," I said calmly, my eyes never leaving Asuka's. "Asuka and I are about to discuss some pilot business. Could you please go check on the Stooges?" Wide-eyed, Hikari nodded and backed away.

I waited for her to get out of hearing range, and then returned my attention to Asuka. "Now, Red, just what the _hell _is your problem?"

"What makes you think there's a problem?"

"It's got something to do with my synch ratio, doesn't it?" I stepped into her personal space. "You're upset that Shinji and I were able to get such good ratios so quickly."

"Why should I care?" Asuka huffed.

"Get this straight, Red. The only reason I've made such rapid progress is because Rei's given me some good advice," I lied glibly. I wasn't going to tell her that I really had no idea why I was improving so rapidly. 'Well, other than the fact that, just like Asuka and Shinji, my mother's in my EVA, somehow,' I thought. I set my hands on her shoulders. "Regardless of synch ratios, Asuka, I'm your friend. I will be for the foreseeable future. No matter how hard you push me away, I'll be there for you."

Asuka frowned and then shoved me roughly away. "I don't need your help, Yankee!" She turned and stomped towards where Hikari was mooning over Touji. I sighed and looked at the rest of the party. Apparently, Kaji had arrived with Ritsuko during my conversation with Asuka and was chatting with Misato. Well, he was chatting if one considered chat to involve a death glare from the person you spoke with. Ritsuko walked over to speak with Rei, and poor Shinji was caught in the crossfire. I walked over and caught the tail end of their conversation.

" . . . From now on I'm going to have to address you as a superior," Kaji said with his usual grin.

"What the Hell are you talking about, you idiot?" Misato asked, her anger evident. Something was naggingly familiar about this conversation, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Well," the unshaven spy answered, "it's unprecedented that both the commander _and_ the sub-commander are out of Japan." His smirk deepened with what I could only describe as pride. "That's how much they rely on their Major Katsuragi."

"My father's out of the country?" Shinji asked. Before Kaji could reply, Doctor Akagi walked over and answered the question.

"Commander Ikari," she said, "is at the South Pole."

My heart sank as everything fell into place. Another angel battle was coming soon.

:: _Duty. _:: The word echoed as if shouted from a great distance, but it was there.

My night ruined, I returned home prepared for the worst. At least this was one of the simplest Angels to fight.

'Catch it; cut it; go home,' I thought. 'What could go wrong?'

_**Author's notes**_

Yipes! It's taken me _this_ long to write this chapter? I can only point at my job and a couple of PS2 games as an excuse. I hope to have a good start on Chapter 13 by the middle of next week, but I'm making no guarantees. In case any of my forum buddies catch this revision, I'm not going to announce until Chapter 13 is post worthy...

Next time on _I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug_: The battle with Sahaquiel doesn't go as smoothly as Emi would like. It's Chapter 13: _I've Got It! I've Got It! / Mea Culpa_


	13. I've Got it!

_**I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug**_

Part 13: I've Got It! I've Got It!

A _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue

Disclaimer

_Neon Genesis Evangelion _is © and ™ GAINAX, et al.

This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.

continuance, 15FEB2008

_**I've Got It! I've Got It!**_

"Major Katsuragi, we need to talk," I said as I walked into the briefing room. She blinked owlishly at me and looked at the cell phone in her hand.

"I was just about to call you," Misato said, shaking off her confusion. "Emi, we've got an Angel on the way. Where's everyone else?"

"I'd imagine that Shinji, Asuka, and my sister are in school," I said. I waited for her brain to shake off the fog of a long night. "I suppose you should contact them so that they can get ready to fight it."

I laughed silently to myself as she frantically dialed the number that would signal the Angel alarm on all of the pilot's phones. She gave me a glare without much heat in it.

"And why weren't you in school, Emi? I know you weren't scheduled for any tests today," she stated.

"That's what we need to talk about." I glanced around the room, trying vainly to locate the hidden cameras. "How secure is this room, Major? I need to discuss something with you that's at least security level Gamma."

Misato's eyes widened, and she grabbed me by the shoulders, causing my plug suit to squeak under the pressure of her fingertips. She looked directly in my eyes. "Are you serious?" I calmly nodded. "We can't discuss anything like that here. I'll arrange something after this Angel is dealt with."

"That's fine, Major." I said. "However, Mister Kaji needs to be there as well." Seeing her doubtful look, I continued. "The subject deals with him as well, and I've already told him that I won't say anything without you there."

She nodded curtly and turned her attention back to the video screen, a troubled expression on her face. I looked at the screen myself and caught the familiar shape of Sahaquiel. The grainy quality of the video made it almost perfectly resemble the ink and paint version I was familiar with, but I was enthralled by its terrible beauty anyway. The single huge "eye" flanked by the smaller, sundew-like flanges drew my attention. Of course, the strength of my thoughts seemed to invoke a response.

::DUTY.:: Sahaquiel's "voice" echoed in my mind for the seventh time that day. On each repeat, it had increased in intensity, much like a train of monks walking down the road towards a listener, chanting at the loudest volume they could muster.

I sat in a nearby chair and considered my upcoming foe. This was supposed to be one of the easiest Angel battles, but something was nagging at my subconscious. I sat there trying to figure it out until I found a Styrofoam cup entering my field of view. The rich scent of chocolate rose to my nose. I followed the arm holding it up to a gently smiling Maya Ibuki.

"Th-thank you, sempai," I said, my cheeks burning. I couldn't help it; she was just so cute!

"You're welcome, Emi," she replied and looked at me with concern. "Are you all right? You look a little flushed."

I smiled weakly. "I'm fine, really." I took a sip of the hot chocolate and opened my eyes wide at the explosion of flavor. "This is incredibly good!" I would have tried to continue the conversation, but I heard Ritsuko calling for Maya.

The lieutenant rapidly answered the summons, leaving me alone with my hot chocolate, my thoughts, and the low murmurs of Misato and Ritsuko's planning until the other pilots arrived. Once they did, we quickly made our way into the briefing room.

I examined the holographic representation of the geofront on the floor as Misato gave the preliminary information on the Angel. The "aerial" view of the main buildings was well-crafted and the resolution was spectacular. My musings on the technological wonders of NERV headquarters were cut short as Asuka reacted to Misato's announcement of the plan to deal with Sahaquiel.

"So we're going to catch it by hand?" she asked. Skepticism colored her question.

"Yep!" the major beamed and pointed as the holodisplay changed into a map projection. "We'll place you at these intervals around the estimated point of impact. You will then intercept it with your AT fields at full." The four of us pilots examined the map; Rei dispassionately, Asuka critically, Shinji nervously, and myself calmly.

Shinji's frown tightened, and he asked, "And if the Angel goes considerably off course?"

Misato's smile collapsed into a neutral mask. "Then it's over."

Asuka thought for a moment. "And if the EVAs can't withstand the shock?" she asked.

"Then it's also over."

"What are our odds of winning?" Shinji asked.

"I have no idea," Misato said. "Only God knows."

I couldn't let that lie stand. "Didn't Doctor Akagi say that the MAGI had it at less than ten thousand to one?" I asked, arching an eyebrow. Misato had the good grace to blush.

"I thought you weren't paying attention," she muttered.

Asuka's face fell. "It's going to take a miracle to win!" she whined.

"Miracle, nothing," I snorted. I took Rei into a one-armed hug and flashed a victory sign. "The Ayanami sisters are on the job, Red! Add us to Ace's luck and your elite skills, and this Angel doesn't stand a chance!"

"If you say so," Asuka said, clearly not impressed, as Rei gently removed herself from the hug. The redhead turned back to Misato. "So, we've got to find some way to do this, right?"

Misato sighed sadly. "I'm sorry, there's no other way that we can see."

"So it's an official order, then?"

"No. We can't force you to undertake a plan with this little chance of success. If you guys are unwilling, you can refuse." She looked at each of us and seemed to see the resolve I felt in each of the other faces present. "Are you okay with this?"

"Well," I said, looking her in the eye and smiling, "I'm sure I speak for us all when I say we'll do it." The other pilots nodded around me.

Misato shifted uncomfortably. "Officially, you're required to write out a last will and testament in the case of your death. Do you have one?"

"No," Asuka said firmly. "I'm not going to die."

"Neither do I," Rei stated. "There is no need."

"Me neither!" I said. "Besides, Rei'd get everything anyway," I muttered under my breath.

"I don't either," Shinji said.

Misato seemed a little bummed. She brightened up and said, "Tell you what, I'll treat you guys to a steak dinner afterwards!"

Asuka took a considering glance at Misato. "Really?"

Misato nodded, smiling again. "I guarantee it." This earned a smile from Asuka.

Shinji's response was a little more enthusiastic. "Wow!" he said.

"Don't forget that Rei and I are vegetarians, Major," I added, smiling widely enough for both Rei and myself.

"I'll remember," Misato said with a wink. "It'll be a dinner you'll never forget."

Moments later, when we were in the elevator and out of the adults' hearing, Asuka blew out an exasperated breath. "Who does she think she's fooling? Does she honestly expect us to be impressed by a steak dinner?" She leaned back against the corner of the elevator and crossed her arms across her chest. "Those of the pre-Second Impact generation sure have low standards."

Shinji looked at Asuka out the corner of his eye and blushed slightly. He screwed his eyes shut for a second and relaxed. "Well," he said, once he had his capillary action under control, "Sensei did say that things like that were much more expensive then. They just can't help it."

She turned her head and snorted. "Whatever." She leaned forward and looked Shinji in the eye. "Just what was that with the 'Wow!' earlier? I know you were only pretending to be excited."

Shinji jerked back in embarrassment. "Isn't it better if she can command without worrying about us?"

"Fat chance of that, Ace," I said. "She's going to worry about us regardless. You and Red, especially."

"Why would she worry about me?" Asuka asked, frowning. "Nothing's going to happen to me out there."

"No, it's not," I replied cheerfully. "Ace, Sis, and I have got your back. And I know you've all got mine." I laid my arm across Rei's shoulders. "Isn't that right, Rei?"

My sister turned her head ever so slightly and met my gaze. "Yes, it is. I shall protect you and Ikari, Emi."

The conversation ended when the elevator reached its destination. The doors opened and we scrambled for our respective Evangelions. The insertions and startup went smoothly, though my mother's presence in Unit Three seemed to be somnolent. Once all of the EVA's were ready, we were catapulted to our positions.

As soon as my internal organs returned to a somewhat normal state, I took a quick look at my surroundings through Unit Three's instruments. I was positioned on the west, with Rei to the north, Asuka to the south, and Shinji to the east. I stepped out of the launch chute, allowing it to retract.

A map of Tokyo-3 appeared before me, marked with several concentric circles. Misato popped up in a vid window beside it and said, "Although we currently can't pinpoint it precisely, this is where the MAGI predict the Angel will strike based on the data we were able to collect before we lost the target."

I examined the map and noticed the scale. Apparently, Asuka also wasn't pleased by the prediction.

"The range is that wide?" she groaned.

"That's a long distance to the end," Shinji noted.

Doctor Akagi replaced Misato in the window. "With its AT field," she said, "the target can completely annihilate the geofront wherever it lands in that circle." Four glowing numbers appeared on the map, indicating each of the EVAs, and Misato returned to the screen.

"Under these circumstances," Misato said, "we'll put an EVA at each of these points."

"What is this arrangement based on?" Rei asked.

Misato smiled weakly. "My intuition."

"Intuition?" Shinji and Asuka asked flatly.

"Sure!" the Major replied. "Female intuition, you know?"

"How crude!" Asuka whined. "I feel the miracle slipping further and further away."

"Misato never wins the Lottery, either," Shinji added.

"_Ach, nein..._"

"It's not quite as bad as all that," I said. "She just might have all her luck on the battlefield, instead."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Emi," Misato said. "I think."

"You're welcome." I smiled gently. "So, how long until we see our target?"

"The MAGI predict," Doctor Akagi answered, "that the Angel will appear in approximately . . . one hour, fifty-six minutes and forty-two seconds."

I groaned. "Well, if I had any doubt about NERV being a military organization, it's gone now." I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms across my chest in a fit of pique. "'Hurry up and wait.'"

"We have you out there," Ritsuko said, "in case the Angel can somehow reduce the air resistance of its entrance into the atmosphere."

"Thus making it faster and giving it more kinetic energy for its impact. I know."

I sat back and began scanning the surrounding area to head off the boredom. Most of the buildings had been retracted into the ground, except for the weapons lockers, umbilical power stations, and those few old houses and businesses that weren't officially in Tokyo-3 proper. I also began checking for the obstacles like power lines and low hills that would hamper my sprint for the Angel's target.

My observations included a small formation of military vehicles that I assumed to be from the Japanese Self Defense Force, until I zoomed in and noticed Old Glory flying from an antenna on one of the tanks. I smiled when I recognized the globe, anchor, and eagle of the United States Marine Corps.

"Hey, Misato?" I asked.

"Yes, Emi?"

"Were you aware that we have a unit of military observers on our western flank?"

The Major's image pursed her lips. "No, I wasn't. Can you tell me what's there?"

"Three M1 'Abrams' main battle tanks and fifteen armed Humvees," I answered, "The markings seem to indicate USMC." I scanned a little further and added, "There appears to be a unit of German Panzers, as well."

I heard Asuka squeal in German over the comm net, "Where? Where!?" I smiled and kept my focus on the Major.

Misato visibly relaxed. "That's not as bad as it could be. The US and German governments provide a good deal of NERV's funding."

"Well, that's nice." I frowned. I was certain that SEELE had set _that_ up. "Would you like me to warn them out of the perimeter, Major?"

"If you would, please."

"Understood." With that, I raised Unit Three from the starting position and ambled over towards the tanks. The resolution of the cameras impressed me when I caught the expression on the young lieutenant's face as I asked his unit to go hull-down behind some hills two kilometers away from the projected impact zone. Apparently he hadn't been expecting a New England accent from NERV personnel.

I was about to return to my position when Lieutenant Aoba's voice broke into the comm net. "We've regained visual contact with the target."

"Range appears to be twenty-five kilometers," Hyuga added.

"The enemy is in sight!" Misato barked. "Get ready, everyone! Emi, don't bother to return to your previous position. Start from where you are right now."

"Roger," I replied and put Unit Three into a sprinter's start position. A window appeared in my heads up display, showing the Angel and an apparent distance ticker.

"The Angel's calculated trajectory is based solely on visual observation," Misato said. "The MAGI can guide you until the range is one kilometer. After that, you're on your own. I know you can do this. I trust you all."

"Range is twenty kilometers," Aoba stated.

"Begin the operation," Major Katsuragi ordered.

I deepened the focus I had on synchronizing with my EVA until I could feel the fibers of "my" leg muscles tensing. Three twinned heartbeats and the release of my umbilical cable later, Unit Three burst into motion. We dashed over low hills and a business district, and I was able to carefully place the EVA's footfalls within the reinforced streets without sacrificing any speed. I almost lost balance as we hurdled a set of power lines, but I was able to regain my composure and lost only one kilometer per hour from the dash. 'Easily replaced,' I thought.

I heard a sonic boom as Shinji started his dash in Unit One a little after Rei, Asuka and I had.

"Range is twelve kilometers," Aoba said.

**::DUTY. AMUSEMENT.::**Sahaquiel broadcast.

::Laugh it up, Sundew.:: I sent back and tried to spread Unit Three's AT Field. I was in for a shock.

The field spread, all right. But _mine_ did, too. A tone like a church bell rang across my consciousness, accompanied by a choir of clarions.

"_Was zum Teufel?_" I heard Asuka exclaim over the comm net.

"Concentrate on the Angel, Asuka," Misato scolded. The redhead responded with an inarticulate growl.

Shinji, in Unit One, arrived underneath Sahaquiel first, his AT field scattering photons in concentric orange hexagons. The Angel's own AT field struck it, producing a sound like waves crashing. Rei arrived as the Angel's body pressed against the junction of AT fields and I arrived soon afterwards. The vibrations of all five AT fields seemed to coalesce into something like a Mahler symphony in my mind. It was unnerving, but beautiful.

Asuka, having had the furthest to travel, arrived last, with her progressive box cutter deployed and ready for combat. She forced it up through the opening and directed it at the central eye. I braced myself and tried to form my AT Field into a parabola to direct the coming blast up and away.

I was shocked to see Asuka's cut extend rapidly at both ends across Sahaquiel's form. A white clawlike protrusion extended from it and the angel seemed to turn itself inside out. I stood dumstruck as it lifted into the air with an Immelman turn, knocking us down with a swipe of a glistening tail, and hovered in full display.

The white monstrosity before us vaguely resembled some of the depictions of Seraphs from medieval angel lore. A long, sinuous body supported six wings and a elongated head that made the Angel look like nothing so much as a dragon. Of course, I recognized the appearance as being that of a "design an Angel" contest winner. Back in my original reality, Gainax had produced art for the winner of Unit One fighting it. Apparently, Sahaquiel wanted to mix things up. I hoped we could handle it.

Asuka was the first to right her EVA followed by Shinji, Rei, and myself. I scanned the horizon for the Angel and only the sensation of something like a diminished seventh chord against my combined AT Field warned me in time to mostly dodge Sahaquiel's strafing run. My EVA's right pauldron fell to earth in a mangled heap with a large bitemark out of the back corner.

"Emi!" Shinji called out.

"I'm okay, Ace," I replied. "Watch out for its mouth."

I kept a watchful eye on Sahaquiel as he circled for another run. Flickering gracefully like a swallow, the Angel came in on a shallow trajectory, passing just out of the reach of Shinji's progressive knife and lashing at us with its tail. Rei placed Unit Zero between it and me, getting knocked into my EVA. I had difficulty maintaining my balance with the awkward mismatch in Unit Three's shoulders.

"Misato, permission to jettison my remaining pauldron?" I asked.

"Granted, Emi," she said. "Just try to keep it in a salvageable piece, okay?"

"Understood." I slammed my hand down on a control on the side of my seat and reached my Eva's right arm across to catch the pauldron as the explosive bolts separated it. I set it on the ground as gently as one could set a multi-ton object anywhere while in a combat situation.

Asuka growled in frustration, putting away her box cutter. "These pissant things don't have enough reach! Can we get some longer-range weapons?"

"On their way," Misato said. "Weapons Tower 14."

The tower rose from a mostly empty lot and the doors slid open, revealing four "naginatas" like Asuka had tried to use against Israfel. We armed up as Sahaquiel circled. Shinji and I with the most glaringly obvious lack of skill, while Asuka performed a flashy spin as she set for the next pass. I checked the countdown for my batteries and found we had just over a minute and a half left.

While we had been arming, the Angel climbed high into the sky and began a diving attack. I tried to set the butt of the naginata against my EVA's heel for the charge. The rapidly growing blob of white filled my vision and I prepared for impact. My breath exploded in a torrent of bubbles in the LCL as Sahaquiel slammed into me. The Momentum of the charge knocked Unit Three on its back and we skidded a kilometer.

The Angel latched its maw on one of Unit Three's chest plates, and I felt a sudden surge of pain racing along my veins.

**:: Little Gabriel::** Sahaquiel said. **:: Why do you stand against our duty::**

:: I-I am doing _my _duty. ::

**:: Truly? Then permit me to grant you the tools to complete it. ::**

My world exploded into more pain than I had ever known. Flashes of images and snippets of song filled my mind while myriads of textures warred with aromas and flavors across my sensorium. The jumbled mess was too much to bear and I blacked out.

**Coming Attractions**

The battle with the Tenth Angel continues. Emi is injured; can the other pilots defeat the flying enemy? Recovery, apologies, and revelations. Next time on _I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug_: Different Viewpoints: Asuka/Mea Culpa. Expect more fanservice, too!


End file.
